We know you'd be with us if heaven wasn't so far away -- Fall 2018

I wished I could split myself into four different people -- one to be with Penelope, Will, Desdemona, and Lucy each.  They all just lost their father and brother.  Though Desi was not my daughter biologically, I still felt like she was.  Will and Lucy were my grandchildren.  I still had a very hard time facing the fact that I survived my husband, my son, and my eldest daughter.  At seventy-seven, one would think that I would have been the first to go before Chloe and Remus... and yet, the world lost two beautiful stars who brightened so many lives.  I wiped away the tears that were threatening to fall down my face.

We all had agreed to meet at the church where we would all say our final goodbye before Remus would be buried next to his father and wife.  When I walked through the doors, I realized I was the first one there.  I walked up towards the casket and saw how at peace Remus looked.  I saw that he did not have his wedding ring on, and I knew the reason why -- his little girl had it.  I knew that Lucy had kept it on a chain around her neck since the day that Sirius had given it to her.  I felt the tears break forth from the barrier and I knelt down, trying to get as close to him as possible.

"I am so sorry," I said, my voice so shaky that I could barely understand what I was saying.  "You fought so hard.  Your father would be so proud of you, even if you lost the fight in the end.  You did so well, Remus... I am so proud to have had you as a son..."  And with that, I lost it completely.

I was so devastated.  I just lost my daddy... my mum was gone... and now so was Daddy.  I looked at the ring that was on the chain around my neck -- Daddy's wedding band.  I looked behind me and saw that Ayden was there, keeping an eye on me.  I stood up and turned around, walking towards him, wrapping my arms around him.  He kissed me on the forehead like he always did to make me feel better.  "I miss him so much," I said, tears leaking from the corners of my eyes.  "I c-can't do this..."

Emelyn and I just got to the church. We were saying goodbye to my father, the one who I had to worry about sharing the same fate. I took a deep breath as we entered the church, looking in front of us was my sister and Ayden, and further up was Grandma. My hand on Em's must have tightened because she pulled me close and tried to help any way she could. " I appreciate it..." I told her quietly. I couldn't move my feet close to where my dad was. I couldn't bring myself to go up to his casket. Tears clouding my vision, " I can't..." I said as a few tears rolled down my cheeks.

I held onto Lucy tightly, wishing that there was something I could do.  I noticed that Will and Emmy had come in and met Emelyn's eyes.  She seemed as much at a loss as I was as to how to help Will or Lucy.  "You can wait a little bit if you need to," I said to Lucy softly, but I would make sure she went up to say goodbye.  She would never live with herself if she did not do it.

Percy and I walked into the church and I saw my mum up with Remus, tears pouring down her cheeks.  I gave Percy's hand a squeeze and he went up to help her.  I just could not bring myself to go up there quite yet.  I was grateful that Percy was able to go up and help my mum.  I nearly fell down to my knees, but my son caught me.  I had not known he had been right behind me and his dad.  I held my son and knew that he would be having a hard time with this, too, having lost his uncle.

I had gotten ready, wearing my black suit with a skinny tie as I couldn't believe we were going to Remus' funeral. The Remus I had to fight because Boris won. My eyes red and puffy as I couldn't sleep lately. Everytime, seeing Remus lose to Boris....the light leaving his eyes and him coming at me. I had finished getting ready as I waited for Em by the door.

I made it to the door where Sirius was waiting for me and looked into his eyes, seeing so many things and wondering how he was doing it.  Something had happened before we found him and Remus, but he would not tell me what it was.  I took hold of my husband's hand and squeezed it.  This was going to be so hard... I could not handle it with Chloe's funeral -- Remus's would be no different.

The moment we had walked into the church, the grip on my heart was wrenching. I started to shake as we got closer and closer to his casket. I wiped my eyes hastily, and gripped Ember's hand tightly. This is going to my brother's funeral, the things we all did when we were younger. The things we didn't get to do as grumpy old men because Boris. That was it really Boris took everything from him and it infuriated me that he told me to not let him hurt anyone. " Why did he give up...." I muttered quietly. Stopping once we could see how peaceful he looked. The grip on my heart almost pulling me to the floor. I knelt down as we got to the front of the church. I put my hand on his casket, " Going to miss you Mooney.....you don't know how much." I took a deep breath as I tried to continue.

I had let go of Penny and went to Cathie, helping her up.  I knew Parker had his mum, but Cathie was by herself at th emoment.  I got her to a seat and gently sat her down in it, my arm still around her.  I saw Parker helping Penny in the line that was building to pay final respects to Professor Lupin.

I left Declan and grabbed Mum quickly before she fell to the ground.  I held onto her while she cried into my shoulder.  Tears fell into her hair as I held onto her.  There was no way that any of us could get through this day and say goodbye to Uncle Remus...

I stood outside the doors to the church, just staring at them.  I could not bring myself to go inside.  How could I?  I never got to tell Remus how sorry I was for everything... My best mate and I had so many fights the last coupel of years he was alive... how could I go in there and face him?  Say goodbye when I was feeling all of this guilt and regret?  Tears blurred my vision and I just stood there, unable to move forward.

I had made sure I was ready to go. We were making our final goodbyes to Remus today. I couldn't believe we were doing something like this. I knew Dean and the kids would have a hard time today. I would just let them know I'm here if they need me. Remus gave me a chance to become a teacher. When no place would hire a charms teacher just based on word of mouth. I smiled for a moment remembering how he would give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I checked up on Dean, I wasn't really sure how he was doing. " Dean.....you all right?" I asked.

I kept my hands on my husband's shoulders while he said goodbye to our brother.  Tears fell freely from my eyes as I squeezed them.  I needed to hold onto Sirius, to have some strength for this day.  I looked down at Remus, seeing him so at peace -- like the day he married Chloe.  He was with her now.. and I hoped that they were happy up there.  That was the only thing that kept me going was knowing that they were together.

I jumped slightly when I heard Juliet's voice behind me.  I turned and looked at her, having just finished with my tie.  I took a deep breath and shook my head.  "No, I'm not... but I've got to be -- for the kids," I said, feeling like I was repeating the mantra that I had nearly two years ago with Addison's funeral.  I felt numb and like I lost one of the most important men of my life -- which was true.

I found Stan and Ryan and saw that they both looked red eyed and puffy.  They looked like they were crying as much as I had been.  I put my hands on their arms as they were sitting next to each other.  "Are you two alright?" I questioned, my voice was thick.