I know you hear me, I can taste it in your tears, holding my last breath - Fall 2018

I was at a loss.  It had been longer than I realized since Chloe had died in my arms.  She was my humanity... I was a little surprised in myself that I had made it this long without her.  But I knew... I knew I would not last much longer -- no matter how hard I tried.  No one else seemed to realize what was going on, except maybe my son.  My poor son and daughter... I was not the same since losing Chloe.  They deserved better than me... but I could barely control the beast within me.  The wolf was out of control and I had no idea what to do about it.  Just thinking about it made the beast awaken within.  I closed my eyes; it was all too much.  I was to the point of letting go... but I could not unleash this on anyone.  But what could I do?

I had to find him. He had not been the same without her. I had hoped he would beat this but it seemed like Remus was losing. I was not ready for the fight that would end up consuming one of my best friends. I don't know how I will cope with the inevitable. I ran a hand through my hair as I had finally found him. He looked worse than the last time I had seen him. "Mooney?"

I felt myself shaking; it reminded me of someone going through withdrawal of a drug of some kind.  I suppose I was keeping the beast from it's thirst of blood and violence.  So, in a manner of speaking, the wolf was going through a kind of withdrawal.  A kind that I hoped it would make it through without too much of a fight.

I heard my name and looked over at Sirius -- my best mate who could help me through anything.  Help me through anything but this.  The only one who could help me now was gone.  I had tears in my eyes.  "I don't know how to go on without her," I admitted hoarsely.  She was my better half.  She kept me who I was.  I looked down at the wedding band that I was holding in my fingers, reading the etched words on the inside You and me against the world.  It had been my father's ring I had gotten him when I was younger, turned into my wedding ring.  Now it was just me against the world... and the world did not stand a chance.

I knew this was corny but true. " She'll always be with you mooney...whether you want to believe me or not. She is always here....the fact that you don't know how to get along without her proves how much affect she is in your life. " I went out. Swallowing deeply, I have seen this look before. " Remus...we're all here to help along in the ways we can. The one who does all the fighting is you....we will go along without her here physically. Not emotionally. " I tried to get closer. It seemed the closer I got the more aware of everything he became.

That was true -- in a normal case.  But this was far from normal by any means.  I shook my head and backed away from Padfoot slightly.  The wolf did not appreciate him that close and it was harder to fight my other side with him that close.  "She wasn't just my strength to fight the good fight," I tried to explain to him, blinking back the tears that were bound to fall in one way or another.  "She was my humanity.  I never realized it before now... and without that, I'm not me.  I'm barely holding on, Padfoot." 

I knew that this was almost as hard on them as it was me.  Before I completely lost it, I knew that there was something I had to ask of my friend... something so terrible, that I had no idea how to even approach the subject.  I just knew that time was not on my side anymore.

I eyed my friend suspiciously, " you are still here...don't forget that." I said to him. I am not ready to lose him. I wasn't planning on losing him anytime soon. I just hoped this wasn't what I thought it was and Remus was saying goodbye right now. " As long as you were that she'll always be with you. You have that humanity in you...just let it out." I coughed lightly, " Remus....you married her...not Boris. He doesn't own you.." I said trying to give him a little oomph to fight him.

The thought of Chloe on our wedding day brought a shimmer -- only a mere shimmer -- of hope onto my horizon.  It was enough to give me the strength to focus on what I needed to say.  "I need you to promise me something, Sirius," I said, looking into my friends' eyes.  I knew what I was going to ask of him was not going to be easy by any means.  But it was something that was necessary.  If I lost the fight... I could not and would not let the wolf - I could not even call it Boris anymore - harm anyone else.  We had already done enough damage in the past year and there was no need to continue letting it run rampant if there was another choice.

" No..." I said simply. I did not want to hear anything that was going to be coming from Mooney's mouth right now. After I said no I saw his eyes and it was something he needed to say. " Depends what is it?" I asked. I am not doing anything ridiculous.

When he had said no, I should not have been surprised. I could only imagine what was going through his mind; it was probably right on, too.  I had to take a moment to regain some control over my emotions -- even sadness seemed to feed the beast within me.  Anything but happiness... which I no longer had.  "I've caused too much pain not being able to control this... I need to know - if I lose control - that I'll be stopped," I said, pausing.  I really did not want to say the last part aloud.  It was too horrible... and yet necessary I feared.  I did not want to put Sirius in this position... but I could trust no one else to do it.  He was the one who brought me Bellatrix to exact my revenge... he was the one who had been able to hunt me down before everything turned into disaster.  I had to know that it would be taken care of.

" I promise I won't let you wreak havoc if that's what you mean...I'm not leaving either..." I said as I knew what he was saying I was just simply pretending to not have heard him ask something like that. " I won't let you leave my sight." I told him hoping that was comforting enough. I could see the thoughts swimming. " Hang on." I said hoping he knew what I meant. I felt tears coming to my eyes, " I won't let you hurt anybody."

I was having a hard time keeping everything locked up.  I met his eyes.  "Don't let me hurt you," I whispered, my voice shaky.  I knew that I would never dream of hurting Padfoot, but then again I had hurt Chloe... the love of my life.  And me being away had ultimately killed her.  And it broke my heart.  Even though Bellatrix murdered her, I had killed Chloe before her heart had stopped beating.

I nodded as tears were clouding my vision, " I won't..." I said almost at a whisper. I hoped he didn't mean what I think he meant. This was tearing me apart. I took another step toward him. I had almost not recognized him anymore. " Remus...." I said pleadingly. " I'm not going to let you hurt me or anyone......that's a promise." I felt my voice get caught in my throat.

What Sirius did not realize, was that I was killing myself already.  And I already lost the battle.  I was so close to ripping his throat out that it killed me.  I wanted to hug him, but I knew that touching him would only provoke the animal within and I really did not want that.  I had hurt Chloe so badly... and now she was dead.  She was gone.  And I did not want to hurt Sirius or anyone else and make them feel what I felt.  Not even my worst enemy deserved this agony.  I felt myself slipping away faster and faster, this time I was not sure if I could come back from it.  I was so scared.  This was the one thing that had always been my greatest fear:  losing myself completely to this animal within and that was exactly what was happening.  I met Sirius's tear filled eyes with my own.  I held my wedding band tightly in my hand, that I had moved into my pocket to keep from attacking him.  I loved her -- I loved all of them.  I hated doing this to them... I hated that I could not say goodbye to everyone.  But it was probably for the best because then they would not see what was going to come next.  I felt tears fall from my eyes.  "I am so sorry," I said in a whisper, my voice catching in my throat.  I could not say anything else.  I was lost.

The human was finally gone.  I had finally won.  I sneered at the man who stood before me.  His feelings towards this human would get him killed.  I could smell it on him.  A growl rose from my throat and I started to change into my natural form.  I lunged with teeth bared.

I watched as my friend had finally lost his battle within. I felt like my heart had been torn out. Like I had let him down even though he wouldn't let me think that. I swallowed deeply as he said he was sorry. I knew those were his last words as the creature before me screamed as he changed into the new form of Remus. Tears falling from my eyes, " I'm sorry Mooney..." I said as he lunged at me in his animal state. I transformed as he charged me and this killed me. I knew I had to fight back otherwise I would be gone too.

I charged Remus..or better yet Boris. I had lost eye contact with Remus, I was face to face with Boris. I felt anger and hatred and sorrow all at once. This was confusing and heart breaking. I went for Boris' throat as he did the same on me. I felt my jaw click against him as I bit down hard. I had to make him immobile. I had no idea on how I would make him stop. Remus has passed away and this thing has taken him over. He had tossed me into a boulder as I gathered myself back up I approached him snarling and spitting. He was going to regret taking my friend from me. It's his fault. I would end him. Could I really end Remus?

I threw my head back for a moment and howled before charging towards him.  I was infuriated by the thing in front of me.  He was weak and inferior in every way.  I lurched towards him, thrashing my jaws.  I slammed into him and we both fell to the ground.  I was going to win this; his feelings were impairing his judgment, much to my advantage.  Or so I believed.  I reared back and went in for the kill.