I knew that there was something about you....how can I help? ---December 1975

It was a brisk afternoon after class, I had made my way back to the common room. Walking in I found my usual spot by the fireplace as I was somehow always the one to get that spot. I really hoped it wasn't because James had scared everyone away when I want to use it. I put my bag down beside me as I took out my book. It was Wuthering Heights, so what if sometimes I am a hopeless romantic. I pulled my hair into a ponytail as I threw my legs over the side of the chair as I reached for the blanket. Now, I can read. I noticed that Remus was in the common on the other side of the couch. " Oh! Remus...Hi...I'm sorry about that..." I said as I noticed he was by himself again and he looked like he was in rough shape. Sitting up I looked to him. " Are you all right?"

I was laying down, my arm over my eyes.  I heard someone come in and I knew it was Lily; James made sure she always had a spot in her favorite chair.  I opened my eyes and moved slightly when she went for the blanket that was close to me.  I smiled at her.  "I'm fine," I said, used to the automatic answers whenever anyone asked me that during this time of the month.  "Just tired is all."  And that was not completely a lie.  I looked at the book in her hands and realized I had not heard of it.  "A book from home?" I inquired, sort of assuming it was Muggle in nature.

I moved over beside him, he looked just like I thought he would. " I know some remedies for some scars?" I suggested. I was trying to be nice. I would not stay this oblivious for him for long. Receiving the look, I sighed, " I know....and I want you to know I don't care...." I said hoping he knew what I meant when I said I didn't care. I won't tell anyone. " It'll stay in the vault."

I shook my head at her.  "I don't know what you're talking about," I said to her.  I knew I had some scars, but most of them were hidden by my sweater.  I really did not want to get into anything with Lily.  It was best hen people did not ask questions, then I would not have to lie to them.

I raised my eyebrows at him. I am so impatient, I took his hand; "Remus, I won't tell anyone....I know..." I said in a hushed tone as I looked around the room and noticed we were alone. I smiled, " I have actually been doing some research...." I said as I pulled my book to show him. " Just not right now....yes, it's a book from home....I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic sometimes." I said as I grinned. " But, anyway....I have been looking into some stuff...I'm sorry it happened. " I told him as I smiled reassuring him.

All I heard was the pounding of my heart.  She knew.  I could tell by the sincerity in her voice and the look in her eyes, but I could not admit to it.  It was hard enough admitting to it with the other Marauders... let alone someone else.  "Don't let James hear that... he could use it against you somehow," I commented, indicating her book.  I pulled my hand away from her and stood up, not wanting to put this secret on her.  It was hard enough for me to keep it and to deal with it let alone the guys and now Lily.  "You need to stop; you don't know what you're saying," I dismissed her notions the best that I could.

I understood why he was panicky. " I'm not going to say anything...but how can I help?" I asked him. I know how he is. He would want to do it on his own and it didn't really surprise me that he was this panicky. " I'm sure I'm not the first one to know. Remus, I promise on my life I will not say anything...." I promised him. I know it would be hard for him to trust me. " I'm sorry it happened..." I said as I gave him a small smile. " I've read up on some things and want to help you best I can." I said as I offered. " You have helped me with a lot....it's my turn to try to start repaying the favours. " I said as I tried to make him calm down. " I swear....I won't say anything..." I told him, " It's just I have noticed that when your sick it happened after the full moon...I know you are a healthy guy....so it just seemed odd and more signs just added to that..." I said as I continued. " The guys are very protective of you...." I said as I could read people.

"Lily, stop," I said to her.  I did not need her help.  There was nothing she could do anyways.  No one could do anything -- the guys were the only ones who helped and that was just because they broke a million school rules and the law to do so.  I shook my head.  "I didn't help you to get favors.  I helped you because I try to be a decent human being."  And I tried to be decent because the thing that took over once a month definitely was not.  "And they're not protective of me, Lily.  They're protecting you all from me.  So, please, do not make this any more difficult and complicated than what it already is."  I wished she would understand that.  If she knew so much, then she should know not to cross a werewolf.  She just needed to stop.

I watched as his body language changed on me almost as fast as I had expected. I cleared my throat, " Remus...I wont back off....I know you didnt do these things you do for something in return. That's just who you are. I wont say anything. I don't expect you to believe me. Just know I don't look at you as anything but Remus Lupin. My friend." I wanted him to know. Just because of what happened I don't see him as the monster that takes over. Did I know what james and the others did for him. No not really I had my guesses. Looking up to see his sincere expression. " Im sorry." I said to him quietly. " I know you don't want my help...but I want you to know. I am training to be a healer...if there's anything I can doto ease some pain....please don't wait to long to ask." I said as I gave him a smile.

With how sincere Lily was, I hated jumping down her throat like that.  Really, I did.  But I was so used to people judging me and making snap decisions about who I was just because of what I was.  Even if they knew me, once people found out... their opinions always changed -- except for the guys.  I should have expected this from Lily.  She always believed in the best of people.  I sat back down, calming myself.  She really did think that being kind to others really was who I was... not this monster that hid within me.  I smiled sadly and shook my head.  "You say that now, Lily... but you will end up not viewing me as your friend eventually.  It always happens that way," I told her quietly.  I always tried to hide things like that from people because it would lead to questions.  But since she clearly knew the anwers to those questions, I knew I could let her in on that little bit.  Any childhood friend I got turned against me when I disappeared and act all weird at the full moon.  Of course they did not understand any of it, but they were hurt.  They did not know what the problem was, but they always thought differently of me after it happening just a few times.  "And the pain ... it keeps me from hurting anyone else," I added.  I used to always hurt myself while at the shack on the full moons... until the guys came to visit with me and explore the grounds with me and go on our little adventures.

I nodded as he spoke, " I'm not everyone else..." I promised. I would be there for Remus whether or not he believed me. I doubted he would really ever believe me. If I knew though, I know who else did too. I smiled briefly, that's why they all protected Remus with their lives. " You know...I will think of something to make the pain for afterwards to try to help the most." I said as it was now a challenge for me to help a friend. He looked a little more calm. "Remus, take it easy on yourself...this is who you have become it does not control you. You know how to harness it...you have been for however long you have had to deal with this. I'm sorry about that. You are a good person and something like this is terrible...not saying that people deserve this by any means. I am proud that you are pushing through to be able to harness it in a sense. " I went on. I have read about them, a lot.

Once I had figured it out it was just a matter of time to actually bring it up. What better time now than when he just dealt with it. " I am not going to say I know how you're feeling because I don't...I am going to tell you I am here for when you need it. I always will be."

I was not entirely sure if I believed her.  It took me awhile to believe that the guys would not desert me -- but they proved it when they all became Animagi to go out with me and help me.  I sighed, shaking my head.  "Lily... I'm fine afterwards," I lied simply.  "I've handled it since I was five.  It's nothing to worry yourself about.  Honest..."  I realized what I had said.  Only the guys knew that I had been bitten when I was that young and that was only because they had gotten the truth out of me the way they did.  I stood back up and ran a hand through my shaggy hair.  If only she knew... it was nowhere as easy as she seemed to think it was to harness this.  

the battle every day not to let the wolf take over and rip out the throats of the Slytherins who did things to us and fellow Gryffindors.  But that was because the one time that the wolf got loose... he ravaged a town basically and that haunted me since I was six.  The guys did not even know about that incident.  I looked at Lily when she spoke again.  "I don't need anything, Lily.  I don't need you to do anything to help me with pain... nothing.  I appreciate you wanting to help... but I don't need it."  I was not trying to be mean, but I was so used to pushing people away that I could not help it.

I smiled as I nodded. This was typical Remus, to try to keep himself out of everything. To make sure none of the attention is on him. I now know the full reason to why. " Okay, well....when and if you change your mind I'm here..." I said. Looking to him, " If you please sit down I will stop talking about it and bother you with something else.." I said as I looked to the book in my hands. Whenever he seemed like he was wanting to avoid a topic it always felt like we were the kids in trouble somehow. " So, how is transfiguration handling you?" I asked him. We had been working on a few different things and I was told from Professor McGonagall to seek help from Remus. So, I guess this would be a good time to start.

I sighed and sat back down.  Perhaps talking to Lily about it -- in the future, once I got my mind wrapped around the fact that she knew -- would be beneficial.  It was not like the guys were always that empathetic about what I had to go through every single day.  But I really did not want to burden anyone with that -- not even my father knew how hard the struggle was sometimes.  I did not want any of them to worry.  I smiled slightly.  I always found it interesting that Transfiguration was my best subject as I changed into a werewolf every month.  "It's actually going rather smoothly for myself... are you having difficulties with any of the recent lessons?" I asked her, my eyebrows raised slightly.

I smiled as he sat down, " Actually yes...I am having some trouble. " I told him. I would stop talking about it for now. Letting him come to me. I could always see if he can advise something for me. " Would I be able to pester you for some help?" I asked him. I mean, it can't hurt to ask him. I wasn't sure if he was going to help me, with James the way he is. " Just having some trouble with changing the goblet into a bird. "