I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go -- December 1975 (DONE)

John and I had been seeing each other for two months or so... since I separated from Robert.  I could not believe how quickly John and I connected.  It was as if it wer emeant to be.  Robert and I got married late in life... when I was thirty -- which was five years ago.  I had not expected to start a family at thirty-five, but I had taken a test and gotten it confirmed at St. Mungo's.  I was pregnant. To be honest, I was unsure if it was Robert's or Jonathan's.  The timing of when I would have gotten pregnant... was so close to when I left Robert and started seeing John.  And Jonathan and I were so careful, I was almost positive that it was Robert's.  Part of me hoped, though, that it was John's.  I was at his front door and I knocked.  It was only a matter of time before my life would change.

I heard a knock and went to the front door.  I opened it and smiled at Cathie.  I took her hand and brought her inside and closed the door.  We kissed and I sensed something was wrong.  I brought her to the living room.  We sat down and I put an arm around her.  "Cathie, sweetie, what's wrong?" I asked her.  I lifted her chin gently so she woudl look at me.  I saw the tears in her eyes and it worried me.

He was always so sweet and caring.  John always knew when something was wrong; there was never any way I could hide it from him.  I tried to work up a smile, but it did not work. I was happy that I was pregnant... what I was not happy about was that I would have to choose the father to be with no matter if it was the man I loved or not.  I did not want my child to not be with her father.  I put a hand on John's knee.  All I wanted to do was to curl up in his arms and just stay there forever without saying a word.  But that was not possible.  He needed to know everything that was going on.  That was the first thing that astonished me about Jonathan; he was honest to a fault.  He was up front about everything.  He never played any games with my mind like a lot of men liked to do back when I was dating.  I could not believe that I had been so lucky to find him.  "John... I'm a couple of months pregnant," I told him bluntly.  There was no use in sugar coating it or trying to run from the fact of the matter.

What Cathie told me nearly made my jaw drop open.  She was pregnant?  And a couple of months along?  That meant... well, that meant that it could be mine or Robert's.  I held her hand and pulled her closer to me.  We were always careful, but I knew nothing was completely foolproof.  I kissed the top of her head.  "Do you know any more than that?" I asked, getting to the question that would have hung in the air the entire time if not spoken right away.

That was when the tears started to flow from my eyes.  I buried my face into Jonathan's chest and we stayed like that with his arms wrapped tightly around me until I was able to talk.  I pulled away so I could look at him.  "I'm not entirely sure... but with the way that everything seems to add up, it has to be Robert's," I said, hating the pained look that I saw in John's eyes.  I knew he was good at hiding emotion from his facial features, but his eyes gave him away every time.  I knew he had gotten accustomed to hiding reactions due to the curiosity of his child who was a werewolf.  One had to be good at hiding emotions when you had situations like that.  I wish I had not had to say the facts... there was some doubt, though.  It could be John's... it just was not likely.

I wiped away the tears from cathie's cheeks.  I already had known the answer to that or else she would not have been crying when telling news such as this.  She had been speaking of making it completely official and getting divorce papers in order... but now, with her being pregnant with Robert's child, I could not let her do that.  Not for me... not for us.  She had to see if it could work... for the sake of the child at least.  "Sweetie, you're going to need to go to him and tell him.  Things may still not work out, but you owe it to your baby to at least try," I said softly.  I had to let her know that it was okay.  It would be difficult, but everything would turn out for the best.

I hated when Jonathan was right.  I knew what I had to do, but I hated hearing them voiced aloud.  "But Jonathan... I don't know if I could leave you.  I love you," I whispered, looking into his brown eyes.  I was not sure if I would be able to handle not being with him.  I had never felt this way with Robert... how could I go back to something where there was nothing?

I kissed Cathie gently.  I gave her a sad smile.  "I love you, Cathie... but if Robert is the baby's father, then he has every right to know.  When the baby is born, we can always do a test.  And if it turns out to be mine, I will be in your life forever... both of you.  If it's Robert's... hen I will not interfere or get in the way.  The child deserves something stable, Cathie," I said.  I hated being hte voice of reason, especially when the outcome was not favorable towards myself.  It was breaking my heart to be logical about this, but someone had to be.  And I knew that Cathie could not do that.  That was why she came to me.

I could not believe this.  Of course John was right.  My baby deserved a stable environment in which to grow up.  But I would rather that environment be with Jonathan and Remus than with Robert.  I put a hand over my mouth.  "Perhaps it's better this way," I said sadly.  "You won't have to tell Remus a thing... let your son stay in peace about everything."  I knew how John and Remus's relationship was.  They were extremely close.  I was not sure how Remus would react to his father even having a girlfriend let alone having a much younger sibling as the boy was fifteen.

Perhaps it was better this way... for the children at least.  And in the end, that was all that mattered.  As a parent you had to put them first -- even if it resulted in your own unhappiness.  Not that I have ever been unhappy with the way things turned out with me and Remus.  I would never have done what Romy did.  It did not matter to me if he would have been green; he was still my son.  I continued to hold Cathie.  I would until she absolutely had to leave.  This would be my last night with her... I was not about to let her go.  "You will be strong enough to do the right thing," I whispered to her softly.  I knew that this was goign to be a difficult path... her going back to a man she did not love.

I felt like such a horrible person.  "Oh, Jonathan, I am so sorry," I said, forcing myself not to let the tears fall.  I did not want to be crying the entire time since it would be our last date.  I hated that I did this to him.  I was the first person he had really truly been with since he got divorced.  I felt horrible.  Why did it have to end like this?  I was going to leave Robert... I would have never had a doubt of leaving him once I fell in love with John -- after two short months!  But I could not do this to Robert, either, if the child was his.  We could find out in nine months... but how on earth was I going to last nine months if the baby was not Robert's?  And with the way things added up, it had to be.

I kissed the top of her head.  "Darling, you never need to apologize," I said.  "I wouldn't trade any time spent with you for a thing -- yes, even a day like today.  I would have missed out on so much if I had never met you.  You are a gift that came into my life.  Everything will be alright."  It had to be.  If I did not believe it to be true, then I had lied ot my son for fifteen years.  I told him every single day that everything will be alright.  He needed encouragement.  I liked to call myself his cheerleader.

Of course Jonathan would find ways to comfort me during a hectic time like this.  I just wish that it would not have to end like this.  "When the baby is born, there are ways to find out for sure who the father is," I said to my love.  I knew that this was going to be extremely difficult just to walk away from.  I was not sure if I could do that; just walk away from Jonathan Lupin.  I loved him... I did not love Robert.  This was too difficult now...

I rubbed Cathie's back as we sat their, lost in our own thoughts.  "I will be there," I said softly.  On the off chance that it was my child, I did not want to miss a moment of her life if I could help it.  I would be in the background, but I would be there.  I refused to abandon a child -- I saw how it tore Remus apart.  "You are happy to be having a child, though, aren't you?" I asked her.  The tears were hopefully just due to the situation at hand.

I looked at John and smiled.  "I'm so excited to be pregnant," I said to him.  If I knew for sure that it was John's, I would be even happier.  Why did this have to happen now?  It would be better if it had happened when I knew for sure.  I snuggled closer to John.  I still felt like I needed to apologize to Jonathan for putting him through all of this.  I knew he said he would not trade our time together for the world, but this was so much drama and I knew what Jonathan had been through before.  I hated to cause him this much sadness.  I looked at him and kissed him.  I knew that I was going to have to leave.  I pulled away and stood up.  There was no use in avoiding the inevitable.  "I love you... and I am sorry," I whispered to him, holding his hand as he walked me to the door.