I don't know why they say grown men don't cry -- December 1975 (DONE)

Christmas break was finally here.  It had been a depressing couple of weeks.  I could not wait for Remus to walk through those doors.  I really wanted to see him.  I would not be able to tell him what was going on, but I knew my son would put a smile back on my face.  I was in the process of making some lunch for the two of us.  He would be getting home soon -- he would not let me come pick him up from the station.  I knew that the Potters went to pick up James and that they always dropped Remus off.  I thought that it was really sweet of them.  I got along well with Ryan and Tabatha... they understood the boys so well.  I heard the front door open.  "Remus!  Did they want to stay for some lunch?" I called out.  I always extended the invitation to the boys and the Pottesr.

I set my bag down in the hallway and hung my cloak up.  "Nah, they had to get home," I said, walking up to my dad and giving him a hug.  I noticed that he looked a little down.  I tried to smile at him, but I was not having the best week.  The full moon was coming upon us... and I should be used to the way it made me feel, but I was not.  I was used to feeling that way, but that does not mean that I could handle it very well every single month.

I smiled when I saw my son.  I gave him a hug and led the way to the kitchen where I had mostly finished sandwiches.  I poured us something to drink to go along with our lunch and we sat down at the table.  I noticed how Remus moved and I, obviously, knew that the full moon was going to be upon us in a few short nights.  "How are you feeling, son?  Do you need me to get you anything to help?" I asked him as we started to eat.  I knew not much helped him, but I always tried.

I shrugged.  "I'll be alright," I assured my father.  I went through this every month, I could handle it.  I just got tired of it after all these years.  But there was no way to keep me from feeling like this.  We were quiet as we finished our sandwiches.  I knew something was wrong, I just was not sure if he would tell me.  "Dad, is everything okay?" I asked, a little concerned about him.  I had never seen him this down before -- except when I was first bitten due to everything that followed.

I smiled at my son and stood up to clean up our dishes.  "I'm fine, Remus," I said, trying to be as convincing as I could.  I feel like it was the same answer as the one Remus just told me.  I knew that he was not alright, but there was no point in pushing the issue because I knew he would not admit that he felt like crap even though he could talk to me about it unlike how he had to keep it bottled up while at school.

I knew that tone; I used it quite often.  I followed Dad into the kitchen and watched him rinse the dishes and leave them in the sink for later.  I crossed my arms a little bit.  I was not sure if he would answer me honestly, but I had to ask.  This seemed as good a time as any for me to bring up what has been on my mind.  "Dad, can I ask you a couple of questions?" I asked him.  I was really wondering if he ever regretted staying with me and to having to take care of me with my curse.  I was worried about my dad being happy.

I laughed a little bit and nodded.  "You know you can always ask me questions," I informed my son.  I was not sure why he thought he needed to ask permission first.  I figured that this was something really personal or else he would have just asked.  I made us some tea since I knew that helped Remus -- he told me so in a letter about how a girl at school helped him with that.  I looked at him.  "You never need to ask permission," I added, thinking that we had already had that trust there and I had no idea why he would ask whether or not he could ask me anything.

I smiled and knew that to be true, but the subject I was about to broach was not necessarily pleasant.  I ran a hand through my hair and looked at Dad.  "Dad, do you ever wish that you had taken a different path?  I know taking care of me when I was little wasn't easy.  And it's just gotten harder and harder... have I ever kept you from happiness?" I asked.  I was really nervous about hsi answer.  But as far as I knew, Dad had never found anyone else to love.  I knew he went on a couple of dates when I was younger, but it never worked out.  I heard one of them say that with a child they were not sure if they wanted to deal with me.  And that was without knowing what I was.  They all just assumed I was sick... which, in a manner of speaking, I was.  I could not believe that I still had these doubts.  With the way Dad was acting, though, I think I was correct in questioning his happiness with his life decisions.

I nearly stopped what I was doing.  His question caught me off guard.  I had to clean up some of the tea that I spilled.  I grabbed a towel and cleaned it up and then set the mugs in front of me and Remus in the dining room.  I sat down and took a sip before answering.  "Remus, I do not regret a day in my life.  Even marrying your mother... as horrible as it all turned out to be, it gave me you.  I suppose the only thing that I can say I regret doing is somehow angering Greyback and not being there to protect you," I answered my son honestly.  I put a hand on his arm.  "I have been happy, Remus.  You have never kept happiness from me.  If there was ever any time that things didn't work, it was never your fault."  I was sure that Remus was probably talking about my dating life.  I had a few dates in the years previous, but nothing ever came from them.  Was I afraid that they would not accept Remus for what he was?  Of course.  Look what happened with his own biological mother.  But he had never kept me from doing anything that I wanted to do -- whether it was dating, a career choice, anything.

I smiled a little bit and took a sip of the tea.  I let the warmth spread through my body before saying anything else.  It felt good with the aches that I was already starting to feel.  My body getting ready for the transformation in the next couple of days.  "I'm glad that I didn't keep you from anything," I said, truly relieved.  I always felt like a burden to everyone who's lives I touched.  If they knew my secret, I felt that way.  I could not help it.  It was a lot to keep to themselves... and it was a dangerous secret to keep.  I looked at Dad again.  "So tell me now... what's wrong?" I asked softly.  I knew he had lied to me earlier as I did him.  It was not that we were holding deep secrets from each other, but it was just the fact that for me it was the same thing that happened every month so why bother with saying whether it was hurting or not?  The answer was always yes.

I laughed; I should have seen this question being repeated.  I shook my head.  "Remus, nothing is wrong," I said.  I did not want Remus to worry about me.  He had much more to worry about compared to any other fifteen year old kid out there.  He did not need to worry about his old man.  I finished my cup of tea and smiled at him.  "I've just been worn down the past couple of weeks.  I've been working a lot and I could not wait for this little break," I admitted.  So I did not have to be at home alone thinking about Cathie, I was at work constantly.  I always took a couple of weeks off during Christmas break due to the fact of spending time iwth Remus.  This is just what I was doing to help cope, though.  I had not loved anyone else since Romy until I met Cathleen.  I just wish things would have ended differently.

I was not sure if I believed my dad, but I dropped the subject.  He would just end up dealing with it on his own anyways, so I was not going to push the matter.  I stood up and helped finish cleaning up the mess from lunch.  I went to the hallway where I dropped my bag.  "I'm going to put some of this stuff away," I called out to my dad, figuring that I would get some things organized.  I hated leaving messes around the house... that was one thing that dad and I had in common:  being neat freaks.  I think it had to do with the fact that when I changed, sometimes I left blood and fur around on clothes and such.  Things we did not want people to see all the time.