If I were brave enough to ask you to stay -- Late Summer 2016

Addison was coming over.  Ian was spending time with his mother.  This was the happiest I had been in a very long time, this entire summer.  With the way that Addie was speaking, though, made me fear what her purpose was for coming to me tonight.  I knew that she had been pulling away the more summer had been passing us by.  I wish that the woman I loved was not married to someone else... and I wished that I never let Lucius force me to marry Pansy.  I wish that I was strong enough to leave her.  After Keegan's death, I had wanted to.  I barely spoke to Lucius anymore... so why should I care about pleasing him?  Oh, that was right, he was still my father.  The door opened and all my worries disappeared when I saw Addie walk through the doorway.  I smiled at her.

I wish he was not so happy to see me.  It broke my heart, what I had to do today, but it was something that was necessary.  We both had families.  It was stupid of us to get involved.  I walked up to him and wrapped my arms around him still.  "You need to stop looking at me like that," I said, smiling at him.  It was like I was the most important person in the world to him.

I took hold of her hand and we moved tot he living room, sitting on the couch, cuddling like we were school aged.  "And how is that I look at you?" I asked, kissing her cheek as she leaned against me.  How I wished that I could just make it so we could be together.

I turned my head so I could see into his beautiful, caring blue eyes.  Eyes that no one would have ever thought would have the look in them that they did when he gazed at me.  "Like I'm the only girl in the world," I said, slightly sad as I knew the reason why I was there.

I kissed her on the lips, holding beneath her chin gently.  "That is because, to me, you are," I assured her.  She rested her head on my chest as I held her.  We stayed silent, both of us ignoring the reason why Addison had come to me.

How could I say goodbye to him?  I held his hand in mine, wishing that this would have happened under different circumstances.  When it happened in school... Draco had changed by the time Christmas had come, Dean nearly killed himself, and I loved Dean so much.  I still loved Dean... but it was not the same as it was before.  But I had to give it a chance to go back to that if possible.  "Draco... I think it's time we stop this," I said sadly, not looking at him for his eyes would beg me to stay and I would.

I sighed heavily and did not say anything at first.  I steeled myself for what was bound to be brutal.  "We're just fooling ourselves aren't we?" I inquired softly.  I was not sure if I could look at her.  It would be too painful.

I did not want to cry so I was not wanting to look at him.  I did not want to deal with his bright eyes pulling me back to him.  This needed to be done.  I did not want to back down from doing what was right.  We should not have been doing this at all, so this was the right thing to do... to end it.  "Yes," I said quietly.  "We can't keep doing this..."

I stood up and walked away from her and ran a hand through my hair.  "I know," I said, not wanting to be holding her in my arms while we did this.  I had been thinking about getting the divorce papers for Pansy, but I had a feeling that something like this would happen... so I never did.  We were separated, though.  It was probably only a matter of time before it was over with her.  I had only kept with the marriage for Ian's sake.  But he was old enough now... why stay in a bad marriage if I really did not have to?

I hated this.  Why did we have to have feelings for each other?  We had families... we had to put our children before ourselves.  I stood up and walked towards him, putting a hand on his shoulder.  "Draco... I wish it could be different," I assured him.  Maybe if Dean and I were to split up, then perhaps we could be together.  But while I was still married, I could not keep doing this.  I had to figure out that part -- which should have been done in the first place.

I shook my head and finally looked at her.  I saw the pain in her eyes.  I pushed all my emotions down -- something I had grown rather good at over the years.  "Addie, I know.  But it isn't.  And we both knew that going into this," I told her, putting my hand over top of hers on my shoulder.  I brought it to my lips and kissed it gently before bringing it down to our sides and letting it go, watching as it fell limply to her side.

I sighed and stepped away from him slightly.  I wanted him to hold me, but knew that it probably was not the best of ideas at the moment.  "I think I should leave," I said, not wanting to, but knowing that I should.  It would be easier that way... if easy was even an option.

I really did not want her to go, but I knew what would happen if she stayed.  "Yes," I agreed, "I think that best."  I looked at her and we met eyes.  I saw the tears in hers and it pained me.  I wish that this did not have to happen.  Like I said, we had known this day was inevitable from the start.

I blinked back the tears and nodded.  "Alright... I'm just going to go, then," I said, stalling, hoping that he would at least hold me in his arms once more.

I fought against all of my wants and watched her walk out the door.  I moved to the couch and sat down, putting my elbows on my knees and my face in my hands.  I knew that this would be the worst decision I could make as of right now.  I stood back up and sent word to my wife.  Why?  Because I did not want to be alone.  And why not attempt to work on my own marriage right now when Addison was going to try to work on her own?  I, at one point, did have feelings for Pansy -- I just would never call it love.