The killer in me is the killer in you -- Spring 2005

I glared at Lucius through unshed tears and stepped away from his hand.  "Just leave, Father," I said.  I knew that I was so close to breaking and how that looked in Father's eyes.  I did nto need to deal with him being condescending during this time.  I just needed to grieve.

I sighed and left my son with his daughter and set out to get together the arrangments.

I barely got to Keegan's side before collapsing.  I held onto her hand -- her cold, little hand -- in mine, kissing her forehead as I pulled myself up a littel bit as I was on the floor and she was laying seemingly peaceful on the couch.  My heart was broken into a thousand pieces as I rested my forehead against Keegan's.  My tears were falling onto her face and I wished that I could somehow bring her back.

Sobs escaped my throat as I held my baby girl tightly in my arms.  What was I going to do?

A FEW DAYS LATER....


I patted myself down and made sure that my black dress was not creased.  I pulled my hair back into a low ponytail that laid on my neck.  I slipped my feet into a pair of low, black heels.  Going to my son's room, I saw him just sitting on his bed.  "Do you need help with your tie?" I asked softly, staying composed for his sake.

Startled, I looked up at my mum.  I nodded at her.  I waited for her to straighten me up.  "Auntie June and Uncle Linc are going to be there, right?  And ABel and Elliot?  Uncle Austin?" I asked, wanting to know if everyone would be there to say goodbye.

I nodded at Dorian.  "Don't worry, love, everyone will be there for us," I said.  "I'm going t ocheck on dad, okay?" I was highly worried about him.  At least it did not appear as if he was drinking again.  yet.

I left my son and found Draco in Keegan's room, staring at her empty bed.  It was where I had always found him since the incident.  I put my hand on his arm.  "Honey... it's almost time," I said.  He was barely speaking, either.  I was extremely worried.

I turned slightly and looked at Pansy.  I took her hand and brought it to my lips.  I felt bad for being so distant with her; I was just worried I would end up hurting her more than she already was.  I needed a drink... but knew I should not.  "yes, let's go," I said quietly.

I looked at everyone sitting around the table as I leaned against the counter. Everyone was eating what they felt like and they all seemed to be ready, just a couple last minute things they needed to grab before we headed out. I was the only one who hadn't gotten the proper cloths on yet. I sighed and took a sip of my coffee, the only thing I felt like having right now. I put it down again, knowing I had to talk to Abel and Elliot. I really just wanted to go back into bed and pretend we weren't getting ready to say goodbye to Keegan. I took a deep breath before I spoke. "Abel, Elliot, I want you to be there for Ian today. I'm sure he will be upset." I heard a catch in my voice as I thought of how I would feel if Draco died. I had to shake my head to clear it. "I'm not sure if he'll want to be away from Aunt Pansy and Uncle Draco very much but they'll have a lot of people to talk to." I felt tears start to come and I closed my eyes and took of shaky breath to try to stop them from coming. "Please be good today." I couldn't say anything else over the lump in my through and I didn't want the kids to see me upset. I turned to face the counter and placed both hands on it as if it was my life line. The tears fell now and I had to force them not to rack my body. This was all my fault, I wasn't even supposed to be working, but they had called me in so I was unable to watch the twins. Pansy was forced to go to Father and Keegan had the accident. If I would've been able to watch them, nothing would've happened.

I nodded at what mum was saying. Of course I would make sure Elliot was on her best behaviour. I could only imagine how Ian must be feeling and I would make sure that I would be there for him. I saw mum turn around and grip the counter so hard her knuckles turned white. I turned to dad, wanting to help somehow, but the look he gave me told me it would be best if I left for the moment. "Come on Elliot, let go finished getting ready." I thought quickly of a way to get us both out of the room.

I walked with Mum and Dad to where we would be saying goodbye to Keegan.  I was not entirely sure how I was feeling about all of this.  I was hiding what Grandfather told me to hide from my parents, but I missed my sister -- even if she was a pain.  I held onto Mum's hand and we made our way to the casket before anyone else arrived.  My sister looked so odd laying there so still and peaceful -- she never looked that way in life.  She was always so full of energy.  I blinked back the sudden tears and squeezed my mum's hand tightly.

I looked at my big brother and nodded.  I followed him out of the kitchen so leave Mum alone to grieve and I took hold of Abel's hand.  Being eight, I was not entirely sure how to handle all of this.  I understood that Keegan was gone and was up in heaven... but it seemed like there was more to it than what everyone was saying.  "Abel," I said quietly, "do you think Keegan is all better up in heaven?" She was sick or something -- again, I did not fully understand what was wrong with her -- so if she was all better where she was now, should we not look at that rather than be sad that she is no longer with us?


<< Elliot is SO a Hufflepuff!  Just her little thoughts tell me that we put her in the right House  >>

I got myself all presentable for the tragic loss of the child.  I just hoped that Dorian would keep his mouth shut about what happened.  I did not want to torment the boy with mind games or modifications.  I would go to the funeral services despite the wishes of my son at not wanting me there.

I pulled Ian into a hug instead of just holding his hand.  "You're allowed to cry, sweetie," I said, unsure if he felt comfortable to do so in front of people.  I knew the Malfoy family had issues showing emotion -- I knew Draco was just acting like a hollow shell.  I just hoped that Lucius would not show up; Narcissa could come, I knew that, but if his father appeared... I just did not want a fight on top of everything.  I wished Juniper would get here soon to help her brother -- she was the only one able to get through to him when he buried deep within himself.

I let my wife comfort my son and I just stood there staring down at my daughter.  My little girl.  I failed to protect her.  It was tearing me up inside.  I gripped the side of the coffin so tightly... How could she be gone?

I sniffled but no tears came.  I could not cry.  "I'm going to go sit with Abel," I said, looking up to my older cousin.