There's a difference between giving up and knowing you've had enough -- Summer/Fall 2005

I hated going over to the manor, but I needed to check on my mother.  She still deserved my love after all.  Of course, I made sure that Father was not there and was at home.  I entered the manor I used to call a home and searched for my mother.  "Mother?  You are here, right?" I called out, wondering if she was even here.  I just wanted to make sure she was okay.  She lived with Father... and he probably did not let her grieve at all about Keegan -- especially since he was the one who arranged for my daughter's murder.

I head my son call and hastily wiped away my tears. I had been looking at pictures of Keegan, attempting to properly grieve for my granddaughter since Lucius wasn't home. Once I thought I had all evidence of my crying gone and I had closed the photo album and put it away, I called out to him. "Draco, I'm in the parlour." I took a deep breath, painting my face into a blank canvas.

I followed my mother's voice, feeling like something was not right here.  I walked into the parlour and saw her.  I went up to her and put a hand on her shoulder.  "Are you alright?" I asked her, not entirely sure if there as anything wrong, but with the intention of my visit, that was an appropriate question to ask.  I wanted to know what all she knew... and I wanted to make sure she would be okay.  I loved her.  I did not want her to be hurt by Father anymore.

I forced a smile up at my son. "I'm fine Draco." I tried to assure him, but it was a lie. Something did not add up with Keegan's death, and I was trying to figure out what it was. I shook my head to clear it, my mind was probably just playing tricks on me. "What about you? How is everyone doing?"

I shook my head.  "I'm fine," I said to her.  "And that would be as much of a lie as the one you just told me."  I wanted her to know that I was good at telling when people were lying to me.  I had to learn quickly when I had been with the Dark Lord.  Occlumens I was good at, and I was just as good at telling when people were lying as I was at hiding my own thoughts.  "I'm here to help you," I added, wanting her to know that I was not going to let her go on with this life.

I looked over at my son with the same forced smile. "I'm fine, really." I tried to convince him again. I wanted to give a small laugh when he said he knew I was lying, I guess we taught him well, but I wasn't going to admit that out loud. I sighed at my son. "Draco, I don't need help, I'm doing okay." Lucius wasn't home right now so, at least at the moment, it was true. "Do you need any help? Do Pansy or Ian need anything?" I asked, hoping to distract him from me. I knew Juniper was pretty good at distracting people from topics she didn't want to talk about so he was probabaly use to it. I wasn't sure how well it would work but I had to try.

I knew that I was going down a very dangerous path -- destroying Father's life, drinking again, isolating myself -- but I did not care.  I needed to do this.  I needed to take away the one thing that Father held dear in his life from him and that would be my mother.  I laughed, but it sounded cold and mirthless and so very hollow.  Did I need any help?  If only she knew.  I put a hand on my mother's shoulder gently.  "Pansy and Ian are doing better than one would expect," I said to her.  But that was because they used their support systems whereas I was hiding in myself.  

I sighed and looked into my mother's eyes.  I knew she would be able to see everything that I was so good at hiding from everyone else because she was my mum.  She knew everything.  I took a deep breath.  "Mum, I'm tired of seeing the way he takes you for granted," I said to her quietly, just diving right in, ignoring her attempts of changing topic like I did with Juniper.  My sister did learn from the best, though.  "I can help you... please, let me do this."  I needed to help her.  I did not want to see Mum end up the same as my daughter -- just collateral damage.

"Draco," I sighed, hoping he would drop this. "I told you I'm fine." I hoped he would believe my lie but I knew he probably wouldn't. "You're the one who needs help. What can I do to help you?" I could tell he wasn't as easily distracted as I hoped, but my daughter had to get her persistence from someone. "You don't need to worry about me. Worry about yourself and your family." I could never let him know how close to the truth he was about what happened in the manor. I was sure he knew though, he had lived here most of his life.

I shook my head and ran a hand through my longer-than-usual blonde hair.  "I need to do this,' I said to her, not liking how my voice sounded almost panicked.  I took a deep breath to calm myself down.  "You need to get away from him.  I need to get you away from him.  Before you become even more collateral damage than you already are."  I looked at her and hoped that she would listen to me.

"Draco, your Father and I are fine. You don't need to do anything, just go home and be with your family." I tried to insist. "I'm not collateral damage." But was I? I shook my head to clear it. No, Lucius may not love me like a husband should love his wife but I was not collateral damage. I wouldn't let it go that far, right? "Suppose I was to get away from here, where would I go?" I decided to just play along with my son and see how far he was willing to go. He seemed determined that I needed to get away from my husband. I had been able to life with him for this long, if you can call it living. Why should now be any different?

I could see the doubt flash in her eyes.  That was enough to tell me that I was right to do this.  And the fact that she was even, just hypothetically, talk to me about it was all that I needed.  "Nowhere near me or Juniper," I said to her honestly.  "At least not for a little while... I have a place -- it's in the Muggle world, but secluded.  And protected."  I put spells and charms on it already so that it was protected as much as it could be away from Father.

I looked at my son curiously. He had a place…in the muggle world? Lucius would not be pleased if he knew that but I put that to the back of my mind for the moment and sighed. "How did you get a place in the muggle world?" I asked, but my mind was working though everything. If he was so concerned about me, maybe I should get away, even if just for a bit. I shook my head to clear it though. If I disappeared, Lucius would just know it was Draco's idea and would go after him, maybe even Juniper as well as his way of getting to Draco. No, I couldn't leave. I had spent my children's lives being too afraid to stand up for them. The least I could do is not give Lucius a reason to be mad at our children just because our son thinks I need to be saved.

I smirked slightly.  "I just took Father's advice and made connections," I said.  "Just not exactly the way he wanted me to."  I took a deep breath.  "Mum, if I didn't have the place secure and had a plan as well -- we will use the Fidelius Charm -- to protect you.  You don't have to use me or June as your Secret Keeper... but someone who will never cave to Father."  I just wanted Mother to get away from him.  I was going to make sure it happened, too.