I got a picture of you, I carry in my heart -- 15 December 1998

I glanced back, half expecting Juniper to follow me.  I was grteful to see Lincoln trying to steer her away.  I got around another corner and had to rest up against the wall.  I closed my eyes, fighting any of my emotions.  I was so good at keeping myself under wraps, I could not break now.

I looked back at Draco as Lincoln gently forced me away from my brother and I bit my lip. He turned the corner and was out of my sight. "Draco." I called out. "Draco, I'm sorry." Tears stung my eyes as I turned to Lincoln, I felt them start to fall. "I did the right thing right? He didn't need the flask right?" I knew what he would be going through soon enough. I took another look at the corner my twin had disappeared around before I turned back. "I have to make sure he's okay. This is all my fault. I should've figured this out sooner." I shook my hear slightly as I looked up at Lincoln. "Can I please have my pendant back?" I asked hopelessly. "I promise I won't take it." I just needed it in my hands, the promise that the cure was close by if I ever did need it again. I closed my eyes and took a few shaky breaths. "I'm screwing everything up today, just like I always do. Something bad always happens to counteract the good." I kept reminding myself that the twins were safe, today was supposed to be a day for celebration but it felt like anything but. I finally opened my eyes and turned my desperate expression up to Lincoln. "What am I supposed to do now?"

I heard Juniper, but chose to ignore her.  I was not sure if I could handle any more of her right now.  It pained me to say it, though.  She was my twin -- we hardly ever fought.  I looked around and saw a chair in a waiting room and went to it.  It would not do well sink to the floor in a hospital.  They would fuss over me and wonder where I had sustained my injuries in the first place.  And I do not like questions.

I kept my hands on June's shoulders.  "You both need to calm down before I even let you talk to each other," I pointed out to her.  I kissed her forehead gently.  "Look... how on earth is this stupid ass decision he's made your fault?  Don't blame yourself for this, June.  Just like it was not his fault that you got addicted to the remedy -- which, no, you are not getting back at the moment," I added.  I was not entirely sure if I trusted either one of them with their vices at the moment.

I went to take a shaky breath but it stopped in my throat when he kissed my forehead. He had never really done something like that before, we were just friends. Nothing more. I closed my eyes and shook my head to clear it, now was not the time to read into things like that. "It's my fault because I knew something was up, ever since the summer after our sixth year." I sighed as I opened my eyes. "I should've made him tell me. I could've helped him. I could've done something." I started pacing to get my frustration out. "And you're right. It's no ones fault that I got addicted to the remedy but mine. I'm the one who took it. I'm the one who couldn't stop on my own. But I knew something was up with Draco." I grunted in frustration as I balled my fists together and shook them slightly. My nails dug into the palm of my hands, the pain helped calm me down a bit. I looked over at my pendant in his hand. "I will get that back eventually though, right?"

"For once in your life, June, it wasn't your fault," I said, raising my voice in exasperation.  "It's his own damn fault for getting addicted to alcohol just like it was your fault getting addicted to this."  I raised the pendant in my hand.  "You both need to stop blaming yourselves for everything the other one does.  You both have individual minds -- you're not the same person.  You are close, yes, but separate."  I ran a hand through my hair, still exasperated.  I looked at her and then at my hand.  "Eventually," I said, not wanting to let my frustration rule my answers right now.

After a few moments of being by myself, I realized that I needed to be in the room with my new kids and my wife.  I stood back up shakily and knew I needed to have something to eat.  Instead of going straight back to the room, I went up to the top floor where the tea room was.  I got a couple of snacks and then went back down to where Pansy's room was.  I was feeling a little bit better after having gotten some sweets.  I saw June and Linc still talking -- almost looking like they were arguing -- about everything, probably.

I thought through what he said. "You don't blame yourself for my addiction?." I wasn't sure if I more asked or stated but I really wanted him to confirm that. "Not that you should, it's my fault." I sighed and shook my head. "I just wished I would've done something." I tried to explained softly as I looked down. "I could've helped him. Somehow." I shook my head slightly to clear it as I looked back up. "I just want to help him."

I shook my head.  "Perhaps at first, but no, I don't blame myself.  I just gave you a means to help cope... you're the one who made the decision to take it farther than the intended use," I said to her.  "Which is exactly what Draco has done."  I sighed and looked beyond Juniper and saw a very pale Draco standing there.  "If you can speak civilly, I'll leave you two alone," I added, saying that more to both of them rather than one or the other.

I shook my head slowly.  "I'm not talking.  I'm going in to be with my wife and children.  You both can leave," I said, dismissing them.  I did not want to speak to my sister.  I knew LIncoln was just trying to keep the peace, but Juniper needed him to leave with her.  I had Pansy; I needed no one else at the moment.

I nodded, "Good, I don't blame anyone but myself for what happened to me." I turned when Lincoln looked past me and smiled when I saw Draco still standing. He looked pale but at least he hadn't passed out anywhere. My smile faded when he spoke though, the hurt I was feeling clearly visible on my face. Tears stung my eyes but I didn't want to cry in front of anyone. I blinked them back before I spoke, a slight catch in my voice. "I'll go pack my things then and go back to the Manor. You, Pansy and the babies can be a real family." I'm not sure why I automatically thought he would make me move out, but I figured that would be the next step so why wait? I couldn't hold back my tears anymore. "I was just trying to help you." Before either Lincoln or Draco could say anything else or try to stop me, I ran down the hall, turned a few corners and slumped to the ground as I leaned against the wall. I wasn't sure where I was, I just knew I needed to get away from Draco. He didn't want me anymore. No one did. My tears fell freely, I just hoped no one found me. Father had kicked me out and disowned me and now, Draco didn't want me either. Where was I going to go now?

I rolled my eyes at Draco and his insensitivity.  "Really, Draco?  Is this all entirely necessary?" I asked, having gotten more bold after our talk about me asking for his sister's hand in marriage.

I looked at Lincoln darkly.  "Tell her that won't be necessary.  I just want time with my family right now," I said, sounding remarkably like Lucius Malfoy -- the man I tried so hard not to be.  "I do believe it best for me and Pansy to get time together with our children.  You can deal with her for right now... if I speak to her, I will be more like Father than I care to admit.  Please," I added more gently.  I knew that I would be far too harsh than I wanted to be to my sister if I spoke to her right now, which was why I was asking her to leave.  I knew how I would get.

I sighed, running a hand through my hair.  I wanted to stand there and yell at Draco for being such a jerk to Juniper, but knew that I needed to do damage control.  "You will need to fix this," I warned him sharply.  "I will do what I can... but she needs her brother."  I walked away from him, never before having been this upset with Draco.  I sighed again and then walked after Juniper.  "June, wait," I called out after her.

I knew I had to deal with Juniper, but right now I could not.  I walked into the room where Pansy was still holding our children looking confused and worried.  The twins were sleeping now and I moved them to their individual beds that the Healers had in there for them.  "I'm sorry for all of that," I said to her quietly.