Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart -- Summer 1997

I sighed. I could tell he didn't want to talk about himself anymore for the moment. "Not when it means they'll get hurt." I replied just as softly. That's why Lincoln had never met my family besides Draco. Who would want to meet someone who would torture their own niece just to send a message to her nephew? I shook me head to clear it and sighed again. "You want to talk about me though don't you?" I looked past him for a moment. I did want to talk about the attack and I didn't have to worry about keeping the face that it had been Aunt Bellatrix a secret from Draco anymore, but I couldn't really talk to him about it. But I could talk about what happened to me. "I can tell you a story about a girl names June if you want." I informed him slowly. Yes, Draco and I talked in third person when we wanted to lighten the mood or couldn't really talk about what was happen to us. I could talk to Lincoln about the attack in third person. "I'll warn you though, it's not a happy story."

I shrugged at her question.  I understood copletely if she did nto want to speak about herself.  I was having a hard time confiding in her about everything.  Some of the memories that were being brought up I had not let myself remember for so many years; it was difficult to say the least.  "Tell me only what you're comfortable with, June," I told her softly, wanting to make sure she knew that my vagueness and silence was not necessarily me pressuring her to speak about things if she was not ready to do so.

I took a shaky breath and nodded. "Like I said though, this isn't a happy tale, although I have heard sadder." I thought of the story that Lincoln had just told about his family. They were both sad, in different ways. Neither one could be considered happy. I closed my eyes and allowed all the memories of that day come back. I took a few deep breaths to help calm myself before I opened my eyes as they glazed over. "Once upon a time," I began, but I stopped almost right away. That was the opening line to fairy tales and in fairy tales, good always won. Even though Draco and I had planned our Happily Ever After, this story definitely did not start with once upon a time. I took another deep breath and began again. "Once, there was a girl named June." I debated what to say for a moment, how I wanted to word everything, before I went on,

"She has a twin brother. The twins didn't have the best family but the two of them were as close as two people could be. They would do anything to protect each other, and people took advantage of that. One day, when they were about sixteen, the boy received a horrible task he was expected to complete. Neither of them wanted him to do the task, but the stakes were to high for him not to. They tried desperately to find a way out of it but it was pointless. Junes brother reluctantly let her help, but only with small things, he didn't want them to hurt her. The twins decided to take as long as they could to finish this task, it would give them more time to figure a way out. The group who had assigned him this task quickly grew impatient though and sent one of their own members to help move things along. She happened to be the twins Aunt Bellatrix." I took a few shaky breaths, this was the actually attack we were getting into now. I finished the story slowly and softly. "She found June, and she tortured her, whipped her and did every thing imaginable to hurt her, short of death, Bellatrix needed June to be alive. And before she left her to bleed out, she gave her a Dark Mark, not a real one, but a Mark none the less. Only blood relatives of Junes can see it when they touch it but June can see it all the time." I finally turned to Lincoln, my eyes focusing on him. I felt tears lightly falling down my face but hadn't realized that I had ever started crying. "She did that to me to remind Draco of what was at stake if he didn't finish his task." I closed my eyes and took a few shaky breaths to calm myself down. I hadn't expected to say that much. That was as much as I could tell him at this point. I would never tell him how close I had been to dying that night in the tower. I could never admit how close I was to letting them kill me the entire time so that Draco didn't have to complete his task. After a couple of moments, I opened them and actually looked at Lincoln, wondering what expression I would find in his eyes. "I'm sorry," I said quickly, "I didn't mean for it to come out all at once like that."

I looked over at Juniper as she spoke.  I could not believe it and yet I understood it all too well at the same time.  I shook my head at her when she apologized.  "You never need to apologize," I assured her.  I wanted to do something to comfort her, but I just could nto bring msyelf to do anything. "I wish I'd have known before... I could've helped you so much better," I said to her softly.

I took a few shaky breaths as I shook my head. "It wouldn't have changed anything." I tried to convince myself, but was it true? If I would've told him, would I have felt the need to use his potion to numb the memories of that day? I would never know and I didn't want to think about the 'what ifs' right now. "And besides, this isn't about me so I'm sorry I'm turning this into something about me." The tears had somewhat stopped, but I still felt some come down. I didn't want Lincoln to think he had to comfort me, since I knew he didn't like physical contact, so I turned back to Austin's grave. "Your brother's more concerned with what happened to me them what happened to him. He must've been a great brother and I wish I would've gotten to see the two of you together." I turned a small smile to Linc, trying to force my tears back. "Although, I'm getting a pretty good idea of what you were like together today."

I was perfectly fine with getting the attention off of my horrible life for a moment, but let Juniper get back to that topic.  I would not press her for anything.  That was pretty much the basis of our entire relationship.  I shook my head slightly.  "If Austin were here, there'd be a few more jokes or something to make us laugh... get our minds off of things," I said.  That was one thing my little brother always tried to do for me was to make me smile because I hardly ever did -- still have an issue with it now, actually.

I gave a small laugh and nodded, "I can see that. Sadly, I'm not very good at that." I admitted. I wiped away the last of my tears, happy that they had subsided for the time being. "That did make me feel better though. Again, I'm sorry I turned this into something about me, it's just Draco still feels guilty about what happened, even though he shouldn't, so I can't really talk to him about it. With what happened this summer," I shook my head and gave a shrug, "I've just been finding it harder to not think about then usual." I sighed but looked up at him. " I may not be good at making you laugh or taking your mind of everything but talk about my attack helped me, maybe that will help you. Is there any stories of the two of you you'd like to tell me?"

"You odn't need to apologize," I assured her.  I had wanted her to open up so I could try to help her -- and I was surprised that I managed without really doing anything but listen.  "I'm always here for you."  I wanted her to know that before we switched the attention back to my miserable life.  I chuckled slightly.  "Well... there was one time, the summer before Austin died, Riley... he was actually being a dad," I said, finding it much easier to face what I had to go through when I dissociated myself from my parents and called them by their first names rather than by mother or father/dad.  It just seemed easier to cope with.  "Genevieve was elsewhere, and he had taken us out to get some ice cream.  It was a glimpse as to how normal families were probably."  I ran a hand through my hair.  "It really was a great time... we got to play in the park.  But then we got home and within an hour everything changed again back to normal..."  I trialed off, knowing that she probably would have preferred me thinking positive thoughts rather than negative ones.

I found it odd that he chose a story with an ending like that but maybe, all the stories of Austin and him did. I looked over at him, "At least the ice cream and park sounded nice." I said slowly, attempting to focus on the positive part of the story. "You and Austin must've had a fun time." Until they got home anyway. I shook my head to clear it and gave him a smile. "Austin seems like a great person. I'm glad you had him in your life, even of it wasn't very long. You deserve someone like him, someone to make you laugh." Everyone deserves their own 'Austin'. Mine was Draco, even though Father liked to convince me that I didn't deserve him as my brother. I tried to push that out of my mind whenever I could. Everyone deserves to smile and laugh. Right?

I sighed.  "I just wish that Austin could have been saved and taken out of that place," I said.  As hard as it was, I was grateful that the Lupins ended up taking me out of the place I commonly referred to as Hell.  It did not happen until my sixth year, but it was better than never.  I sighed again.

"But you saved him." I pointed out. "You protected him for your parents as long as you could. If you hadn't protected him, what do you think would've happened to him? You made him the perfect one in their eyes by making sure you got blamed for everything." I reminded him. "You can't deny it either, I know it's true. I did the same thing with Draco, although I'm pretty sure Father always loved him more than me so it wasn't that difficult of a task."

I sighed, wanting ot argue with her, but she did have a point.  "Yeah, I guess," I settled with saying.  I ran a hand through my hair.  "I almost think that Austin had a role in looking out for me in the long run."  I know that probably sounded stupid, but I liked to think he played a part in getting me away from our grandparents at one point in my life.  "I've never really mentioned my belief in that before to anyone... that I almost feel like he was the reason that the Lupins took me in..." I trailed off, looking down at my brother's grave rather than at Juniper beside me.  I did not want to see the look on her face to make fun of me or anything for thinking like that - not everyone believed in things like that to be compeltely honest.

I smiled slightly, happy that he didn't argue about it. I nodded, "It makes sense to me." I turned my gentle smile up to him. "You looked out for him and now he's looking out for you." I turned to Austin's grave so I could talk to him. "You just want to make it up to your brother for everything he's been through hu? You're still trying to make him feel better." I gave a small laugh, "You'll always look out for him, won't you?"

I turned to look at her, surprised that she was so believing of this.  "Yeah..." I said, chuckling slightly.  "He's better at it than I am."  That was for sure.  I did nto think I deserved a kind family like the Lupins, but he must have had a hand in it to think that I did.

I gave a small laugh, of course he wouldn't think he was good at looking out for people and making them feel better. "It sounds to me like both of the Matthews boys are good at that." I said. If he argued with me, I would just remind him of all the times he had looked out for me and everyone else who he's helped.