Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart -- Summer 1997

I guess there was one way to look at it.  Maybe karma was not such a bitch after all -- or maybe it just felt pity for us.  I chuckled slightly, shaking my head.  "I wasn't always like this," I assured her.  "I knew how to protect, but it was Austin who was always making me feel better..."  I looked towards my brother's grave.  "Always the little jokester, weren't you?" I said, a slight smile coming to my lips.  "It was like he knew even at his young age that I needed to be able to laugh... he'd always be doing really random things to get me to smile even when it hurt to do so.  And we'd play Healer... I swear, if he would've survived, he'd be the best one at st. Mungo's."  I sighed, wishing that I could see that day where Austin was alive and thriving at doing something he loved.

I gave a small laugh, picturing Austin and Lincoln playing healer and Austin knowing just what to do to make his brother feel better. "So it's Austin I should thank for you knowing what to say to me?" I raised my eyebrows slightly, hoping to lighten the mood if I could. I turned to Lincoln and thought about Austin becoming a Healer, "From what you told me about him, I bet he would've made a great Healer." I turned back to Austin, "You helped your brother feel better and I'm sure you would've helped a lot of others as well."

I nodded, running a hand through my hair casually.  "It really is," I told her.  "I would never had made it through the four years that I remember vividly if it weren't for someone to fight for."  Of course I remembered the rest of my life just as well, but those four years that I had Austin would remain vivid no matter how much time had passed.  Most everything else would fade eventually.  I hoped that it would, too, now that I was no longer with my grandparents.

I nodded, "Having someone to fight for makes everything easier." I agreed. For some reason, that made me think of my attack and my addiction. If I didn't have Draco and Lincoln to fight for, even if it was just to get them not to worry about me, I wasn't sure how I would've got through. This brought back the actual memories of my attack that I was usually able to suppress. I had to close my eyes and take a few deep breaths to remind myself that I was not there anymore, that the pain I felt was not real. I was happy that I had stopped immediately taking the glass Dragon in my hand when the memories came, it had to mean I was getting better right? I opened my eyes and smiled up at him. "Austin was and still is a great reason to fight." I was hoping Lincoln hadn't noticed my mini panic attack, I was getting better at hiding them. Today was about Austin, not me.

I glanced over at Juniper.  "Are you alright?" I asked, knowing that the answer I received would most likely be a lie.  I knew that look in her eyes -- I just might not know the specific reason behind it.  She had that panicked look that something triggered a memory... whether it was the attack or something else, I could not tell.

<< OMG, I just realized... Linc's father would be buried next to Austin after his mother killed him.  What if June, to distract the topic from herself, says something about it?  And Linc never told anyone that his mother had killed his father (except maybe Dean)... and it could lead to interesting-ness lol >>

<< oh! that could be interesting.....let's see what happens.....let me know if you want me to change anything.....>>

I shook my head and forced a smile "I'm fine, today's not about me anyway." There was no day that was about me, that's what Father wanted me to believe anyway. I shook my head to clear it and glanced around for something to distract him from me. I noticed the gravestone next to Austin's read Riley Matthews. I tiled my head slightly, tiring to make the connection, Lincoln never really talked about his family but I thought I remembered him saying Riley was his fathers name. "Lincoln, is that you're father?" I asked indicating the gravestone. I turned to him, hating that I was bringing up his past but not wanting to admit what had been going on in my mind. I just hoped my distraction worked.

I just shook my head when she said it was not about her.  I knew better than to argue with her about things.  I looked ahead at Austin's gravestone and was glad that June had come with me.  Until she mentioned my father.  At first, I had no idea where it came from until I looked at her and followed her gaze.  I nearly forgot that my father was buried right next to Austin.  I got flashes of so many things in my mind that I closed my eyes and had to shake my head slightly to clear these images.  I took a deep breath and said, in my normal steady tone, "Yes, that's my father."  I ran a hand through my hair.  "He died around my third year of Hogwarts... well, murdered more appropriately."  I tried to keep the bitterness out of my voice.  My mother killed him because, for once, he was being a father.  He was trying to protect me... something that never happened.  He always attempted to make up for hurting me but could only do that when my mother was not around -- so it rarely happened since she was always there.  She did not work while he did.  I was not entirely sure if I was ready to speak about my father, but I would answer questions the best I could fi she asked.

"Murdered?" I asked before I could stop myself. My hands flew to my mouth to stop anymore outbursts. I wasn't sure Lincoln actually wanted to talk about his father, I could hear the slight bitterness in his voice and hated myself more for bringing it up. I took a deep breath. "We can talk about it if you want." I offered. It was the best I could do. Of course I wanted to ask about it, but I didn't want to force him to talk about something like this if he didn't want to. Whatever his response, I would respect his wishes. I was just glad that he had forgotten about my mini panic attack, my distraction technique had worked.

I laughed, though there was no humor within it.  "Have you ever wondered why I lived with my grandparents?" I said, though I knew that even if she had wondered, she would not have wanted to ask.  That was just how our relationship went.  I put my hands in my pockets as I thought about how to continue.  What did I want to say?  I had not talked about his death in years... if ever.  "My mother is in Azkaban for killing my father.  I hope she rots in there for the rest of her miserable life," I added, my voice filled with disgust and loathing towards the woman I could barely call my mother.  "Even though Austin died near me, I hadn't seen him... so I never saw the thestrals until third year at Hogwarts.  It all happened right in front of me..."  I shook my head slightly.  If my father had not been there, I would be dead, I knew that.  I just wished that one of the few time he actually acted like a father did not end in him dying in my arms.  It was not something quick like the Killing Curse... I had been covered in his blood.  I could do nothing for him and the mere thought of that moment brought tears of anger and sorrow into my eyes.

Of course I had wondered why he was living with his grandparents but our relationship prevent me from asking. Neither of us wanted to talk about our own families so we never asked about the others. I took a shaky breath as he spoke. I heard the bitterness in his voice when he talked about his mother. I couldn't believe I had known him all this time but I didn't really know him. I shook my head slightly, not sure how to respond. "Lincoln, I am so sorry about your father." I said sincerely. From what I could piece together, it seemed that of his parents, his father was better, even if only slightly. His grandparents were at least just as bad as his mother. "I can't imagine what that must've been like." To watch your father die in front of you, it must've been horrible. Even with how my Father was, I wouldn't want anything to happen to him. I sighed as I shook my head. I couldn't believe he had never told me this before but I understood. There were things about my family he didn't know, like that it had been my own aunt who had tortured me nearly to death. I took a shaky breath to calm myself down. Now was not the time, but I was finding it more difficult the usual to suppress the memories with everything that had happened to Draco.

I shook my head slightly, sighing.  "I hated him so much... but he would swoop in at random times being nice and acting like a father -- only when she wasn't around," I said, feeling the guilt in my stomach from what happened with my father.  "And I hate that fact.  I never knew why he stayed with her... why didn't he just take me and leave?  It would have been so much easier if he would've just been horrible to me the entire time like she was," I continued, though I really did cherish the good moments with him.  "I could have understood that to a point... but not the bipolar-like tendencies of being a caring dad to an abusive father.  His last act was one of a caring dad, though... and she killed him for it.  He stood up for me and protected me.  And she killed him."  I cleared my throat slightly and sighed again.  I looked over at her.  "I'm sorry... but at least you now know why I have issues with people attempting to help me or protect me... they always seem to pay the worst price."  I felt like I needed to apologize for my history.  It was not exactly something people enjoyed hearing of.

"That must've been so confusing for you, not knowing how he would act on any given day. Whether you had to protect yourself or not." At least with our Father, we knew what to expect. He could still be unpredictable at times, but Draco and I never fooled ourselves into thinking Father would actually care about us someday or be nice to us. "The 'whys' are always the worse questions to ask, especially when you can't get the answers you need." Draco and I had always wondered why we had been given this life. We weren't feeling sorry for ourselves, but we had always be curious as to what made us different from everyone else that we had this life and they had theirs. "At least you must've had some good memories with him." I could not remember one happy time I had with Father, he reserved them for the prefect one although, maybe we were both the disappointments now. I knew without a doubt that my Father would never stand up for me. I shook my head, "You don't need to apologize for anything. You didn't do any of this. I am sorry for what you have gone through." I took a shaky breath at his last sentence. "I know what you mean, about paying the worse price. That's why I push people away when they start to get close." I shrugged it off but I myself had almost paid the worse price for Draco. I had almost died so he wouldn't have to finish his task but I wasn't able to convince him to let me go. It was only fair I guess, I was sure I would've made the same decision if I had been in his shoes. That didn't mean I liked it any less though.

I nodded slightly, sighing.  "There are a few," I admitted.  I wish there were more, but beggars could not be choosers.  I looked over at Juniper and smiled slightly.  "I noticed," I added when she mentioned pushing people away.  I never cared, though, because I knew it was for good reason.  I did the same thing, so how could I judge her for doing it?

"Just focus on them, don't think about the bad times. That never turns out well." I informed him. I nodded, "It's for the best. Being close to me only ends badly. No one would want to be close to me if they knew my family. That's why Draco and I don't have many real friends. We don't want them to get hurt." With Draco and I, it's only us that gets used, no one else has to pay the worse price. I took a few more shaky breaths to calm myself, too many memories were going though my head.

I nodded, knowing exactly what she meant about that.  "Sometimes it's okay to let people in, though," I replied to her softly, liking the idea of talking about her and her family a little bit more than me and mine at the moment.