Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart -- Summer 1997

I had owled Juniper to see how she and Draco were doing.  I knew she had needed the potion for him and I wanted to make sure everything was okay.  I knew she would not tell me the entire truth of what was going on there, but I hoped one day she might feel comfortable opening up to me.  With everything that had happened this past year at school, I felt like it was time to finally go see Austin.  I was barely making it on my own, but I was finally free of my family.  I had left the minute I graduated.  Of course, they were hardly able to contain their glee, but I did not care.  I was sitting on a bench in a park that was within minutes of where my brother was buried.  I did not want to go alone... and I really did not want to count on someone else, either.  But I had to.  Juniper understood enough to know how hard this was for me.  I still was not entirely sure if I was going to be able to do it, but I had to try.  He was my brother.  I had decided to meet here, though, in case I ended up not being able to muster up the strength to actually go see him.

The day had come to met Linc...and Austin. I was happy when I got his letter asking if I would come with him to visit his brother but as the day got closer, I got more nervous. I knew how hard this was going to be for him and I wasn't sure how he would react to everything. I just hoped I would be able to offer him some comfort thoughts this. I sighed as I took a last glance in the mirror. I knew Draco would be okay, Snape would make sure of that, I just hoped I would be too. Draco wasn't terribly happy about me going but he understood enough not to make a big deal about it. After saying goodbye, I disapparated to the park where we were to met. I saw him right away, sitting on a bench. I took a deep breath, forced a small smile and walked over to him. "Hey Linc."

<< if you want this before or after Snape's house, just let me know and I can edit it >>

<< Works wonderfully  >>

I was in my own little world when Juniper walked up to me.  She almost startled me.  "Hey," I said, smiling slightly.  "How are you holding up with everything?" I knew better than to ask for any more detail than that.  She sometimes seemed more secretive than myself -- especially now that she knew the truth about me.

I sighed. Of course the first thing he would want to know is how I was holding up. "I'm doing better thanks. Draco and I are living with Professor Snape for a bit while things cool down." I volunteered. I felt I owed him a bit more then I had put in the letters. "Thanks for this." I said, touching my dragon pendent with his potion in it. "Draco can verify that he took both of the doses you gave me. I haven't touched it." I had wanted to so badly but I forced myself to remember that Draco needed it more then I did. He was the one in pain, not me. "How have you been doing?"

I nodded at her.  "I believed you in your letters," I told her, knowing at first I was hesitant.  But I also knew that Juniper would not lie about Draco needing something.  And there it was.  I shrugged, sighing.  "I-I don't really know," I said honestly.  "I'm barely making it on my own... but I'm away from them so I'll live in a cardboard box on the street to be able to do that."  I looked past Juniper and towards where my brother was buried.  "I wasn't going to do this... and I'm still having second thoughts," I continued slowly, "but I owe it to him..."  I did owe it to Austin to say goodbye, to prove to him that I survived, to show him that I could get a better life for myself that would have been his.

I nodded in understanding, glad he believe me about the potion. "I would let you come to our place but we're already invading Snape's place enough as it is and our house maybe one of the last places you want to be right now, besides your own." I said truthfully. I was so glad that he had finally got away from his house, he deserved so much better then he has there. I wished there was more I could do to help but right now, I felt like I was almost in the same spot as he was. I followed his gaze and saw the cemetery. I took a shaky breath, knowing that Austin was right there. I turned back to Linc. "We don't have to go if you don't want to." I said gently, not wanting to force him into anything he didn't feel comfortable with.

"By the sounds of it, you're right about that," I agreed.  From everything she had written in her letters, though vague, I could tell things had gotten ten times worse for her and Draco.  Which was why they were now staying at Professor Snape's house.  I was no sure if I could handle the mental warfare her father seemed to be the master of - I dealt with that enough from my own family let alone hers, too.  

I shook my head.  "It's not that exactly," I said quietly.  "I just don't know if I can... I'll be looking towards a side of me that has been hidden for so long... I almost don't know what to do."  I hoped she understood what I meant.  I had been hiding and running from my brother's death, it seemed, for all these years.  Now was the time to face it and what I had done - even though Juniper told me numerous times it was not my fault.  I just could not help but feel responsible.  And I was so guilty... it should have been me at the bottom of those stairs; he could have had a life.  And a good one -- they loved him.  He could have been happy.

A gave a humourless laugh, if only he knew. I wanted to tell him, but then I would have to explain everything and I wasn't quite ready for that yet. I was grateful that he had opened up to me after Aunt Bellatrix's attack, but I wasn't ready to do the same. More then he could ever know, I appreciated the fact that he never pushed me to tell him anything.

I went to take his hand to comfort him but stopped myself in time. I sighed and nodded. "You've been hiding this part of you for so long, you have no idea how you are going to react." I attempted to show him I somewhat understood what was going on in his head. I knew he still blamed himself, "Remember, you had nothing to do with it, you're here today for a reason." I allowed silence to fill the space between us for a few moments before I spoke again, "Are you ready?" I asked gently.

I thought about her words for a moment.  She was right.  I was here for a reason.  And that reason was to actually give my brother the proper respect he deserved from me.  If only he knew what I had tried to do during all these years... helping those in need at school and even now, attempting to help those who struggled.  It was part of the reason I was struggling so badly with my living arrangements and even just food to eat.  I gave everything I could to those who needed help to escape from bad situations.  The sad thing was, though I have met quite a few people who needed help, so many do not want to listen.  They trusted no one and if only they could realize how much I understood that.

Juniper's voice pulled me away from my thoughts.  I took a deep breath and shook my head.  "Not really," I replied honestly, though I took a step towards the cemetery.  There was no turning back now...

I took a deep breath of my own and followed him into the cemetery. We walked by various gravestones until he stopped at one, Austin Matthews. I looked up at him. It looked like he wasn't going to say anything so I sighed and decided to introduce myself. "Hi Austin, my name's Juniper but you can call me June if you want. It's what my friends call me." I bit my lip, not sure what else to say. "Your brother's here too, I'm one of his friends. He misses you, a lot." I turned back to Linc, having looked at Austin's gravestone when I was talking to him. "He helps a lot of people when they need him most. He helped me, more then once." I stopped talking, not really being able to tell the emotion that was on Linc's face. I wasn't sure if I had over stepped my bounds, worried that I might have. "Is this okay? That I'm talking to him?" That I was talking to him as if he was still here?

When we found my brother, my voice caught in my throat.  How on earth could I say what I wanted to say to him?  I was fighting tears - even though I knew that it would be no use once I did find my voice - when Juniper started talking to him.  I could not believe it.  She was making it so much better for me to be here with Austin.  I nodded at her and cleared my throat slightly, hoping that I would be able to speak.  "Yeah, it's fine... great, actually," I told her honestly.  I was not sure if anyone else would have done that.  She actually gave me the strength to speak up.  

I took a small step closer to the grave and sighed.  "Hey bud, don't listen to everything she says," I started out quietly, trying to stay light to keep my emotions in check.  "I don't think that I've helped that many people... and definitely not when they needed me.  No one really needs me.  But she did get one thing right..."  I stopped for a moment, knowing what was going to happen the second the next words came out of my mouth.  "I do... I really do miss you a lot, bud."  I closed my eyes, feeling the tears that I could not fight start sliding down my cheeks.

I took a shaky breath, I had never seen Linc cry before. I wasn't really sure what to do. I took his hand in mine to confront him. "Don't listen to him Austin, he helped me when I needed him most. He helped me when I didn't even realize I needed it." I though back - had it really been earlier this year?- it seemed like a lot longer ago. Linc helped me get over my addiction to his home remedy that I hadn't even really realized I had become addicted to. "Your brother is such a great person, you would be so proud of him." I told Austin.

I looked down at our intertwined fingers and my eyes widened. I pulled my hand back. "Linc I am so sorry. I can't believe I did that." I started pacing, hoping Austin didn't mind. "How could I be so stupid? I shouldn't have done that. I am so sorry." I looked up at Linc, hoping he would be able to forgive me.

Of course Juniper would argue over the fact that I was helpful and needed.  I swear arguing was in her nature.  It was part of the reason I liked her; she had a strong spirit whether she cared to admit it or not.  I only hoped that I had done enough to make my brother proud of me if he were still here.  I knew I could never make up for what had happened, but maybe I could stop that from happening to someone else.  Sometimes all someone needed was a smile or someone to acknowledge their existence to keep them from doing something horrible... and that was what I tried to be for people.  I just never thought it worked.

I had not even realized that June had taken hold of my hand - surprisingly - until she let go of it and was apologizing.  I almost longed for her hand to be back in mine.  I looked away from her and wiped my eyes, shaking my head.  "June, it's fine.  You don't need to walk on eggshells around me," I told her quietly.  "Really, it's okay."  I looked at her, feeling so guarded and yet so vulnerable at the same time.  I wanted to reach out and take her hand back in mine, but at the same time I wanted to shove my hands in my pockets to prevent it from happening again.

I shook my head, "I should know better by know, I've only know you for how long? Six years?" Had it really only been that long? It seemed like I had known him my whole life. And ever since I've know him, I knew he didn't like to be touched. "You don't like to be touched and for a very good reason." I shook my head again, "I can't believe I did that." I started pacing again. As usual, he was being so nice about it. That was one of the reason I liked him, despite how many mistakes I make, he was always so nice about it and forgiving. I looked at him again. "I am so sorry." I said sincerely. I always seemed to be apologizing to him for one reason or another and he would always say it was okay. I really didn't deserve a friend like him.

How could I get her to realize that it really was okay?  It was something that I did not realize I needed until it stopped.  We had been friends for six years now... and in that six years she had earned my trust to have her here with me.  I could not believe it.  And in the last few months, I had had more physical contact that was not negative than I had in a very long time.  That amazed me even more than anything.  "Ah, but just think... I wasn't the one who pulled away," I said to her softly.  Would it have happened?  Yes, as soon as I realized she was comforting me that way, but she did not need to know that.  "You don't need to apologize, June."