Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart -- Summer 1997

"You would've." I said. But it was true, why hadn't he pulled away? "It seems I'm always apologizing to you hu?" I turned back to Austin's gravestone and started talking to him again, "You see what I mean Austin? Your brother is always trying to make sure the everyone else feels okay. He cares more about other people then himself." I looked up at Linc and smiled, "That's what makes him so special." I let my head fall, "I was just trying to comfort you Linc, but I'm not sure how to do that with you." I admitted as I bit my lip and looked up at him. He had never needed comforting before, he was always doing the comforting. It was my turn to help him like he had helped me since we had met.

She was right, I definitely would have pulled away.  I smiled slightly and shrugged when she started talking to Austin again.  I could nto believe that she was making this a little bit easier for me.  I sighed and shook my head.  "June... I'm not sure if I even know how to," I answered her quietly as I was not used to showing my emotion like this.  "But you did help..."  I wanted her to know that.  Though I was not sure if I would reach out for her hand again, I wanted her to know that it was okay and that she did help me.  I almost wanted to take her hand back in mine, but I was not sure if that would be a wise idea.

I gave a small laugh, "At least I'm not alone in that." I said of the fact that he didn't know how to comfort himself. I looked up at him, "How did I help you?" I wasn't sure I had. I knew he probably needed someone to come here with him, and I was happy to be that person. I was so touched that he asked me to come with him to visit his brother, but did I really help him? "I can never help you as much as you've helped me. I can never repay you." Not only did he help me more times then I can count but he's never asked any questions or forced me to tell him anything I didn't want to. I turned back to Austin's gravestone, "You have a truly amazing brother, but I'm sure you knew that."

I shook my head, sighing.  Of course she would not see how she helped me.  That was June.  "You came with me... and you haven't left yet," I told her.  "You know... from what I can remember of him, you remind me of Austin a little bit.  You somehow just know what I need at a given moment.  Whether it's helping me avoid eating with all the other students at school to avoid them touching me to just now -- taking my hand for a split second."  I did not think that I was all that amazing.  "I don't help you -- or anyone, really -- to get something back in return besides the fact that I know I helped someone along the way.  You don't need to think you have to repay me for anything."

"I'm not going to leave." I assured him. I can't believer thought that I would leave him in his state. Tears started to form when he said I reminded him of Austin. I shook my head. "I never know what you need Linc." I admitted. "I'm just trying to help you whenever and however I can." When he mentioned me taking his hand, and that he had needed it, I looked up at him. "You really mean that? That you needed me to take you hand for that second?" A few tears fall but I didn't bother wiping them away. "I know you don't care about being repaid but there has to be something I can do. You've done more for me then you will ever know." Between giving me confidence in my magic when I was younger to helping me though my addiction to his home remedy, he helped me more then he could even imagine.

I put my hands in my pockets a little bit.  I looked at her.  "Have I ever lied to you?" I asked, proving my point that I really meant what I said.  She really had no idea how much she had helped me.  I would never have gotten this comfortable around anyone else, I did not think.  I was sure that she would not believe me if I said anything else.  I took a step forward, wanting to comfort her.  I pulled my hand out of my pocket and I went to wipe her tears away, but did not move anymore forward than I already as.  I was sure that she would end up apologizing to me for it.  And really, it was probably best if I did not.  I would end up feeling bad about freaking out afterwards or something.

"No." I said slowly as I shook my head. He had never lied to me so why start now? He had needed me to take his hand but I still felt guilty for not asking fist, at least giving him some warning. I saw, what I assumed, was him about to wipe my tears away when he stopped himself. I wiped them and gave a half smile to him. "I'm sorry." I shook my head again. I shouldn't have left my tears, I should've wiped them away from the start. I didn't want Linc to go through what he had gone through in the hospital after he caught me. I knew it didn't look like a lot from the outside but I could only imagine what he felt like on the inside.

I shook my head at her.  "You don't need to apologize," I assured her.  I always felt like I was saying that to her, but I really did not mind.  It was almost like second nature, really.  "I can assure you that wiping away tears would be like a walk in the park considering what I used to get on a daily basis."  I always tried to make light of what happened to me at home when I was with Juniper.  I did not want her to worry so much about me.

I shook my head, slowly, "I can't imagine." He had showed me some of his scars while I was in the hospital wing after my attack. I could picture them all over his body and it made me shudder slightly, wondering how he had gotten each one. I turned back to Austin. "Your brother has been through so much but he's still as strong as the the last time you saw him." He was my strength when I needed him. "He protected you from so much." I knew that Linc always made sure he got blamed for everything when Austin was alive so that his brother was never hurt. He had done so well to, until Austin had wanted to return the favour and ended up falling down the stairs. I knew Linc would probably try to deny it and say that he had failed to protect Austin when it mattered most. I was trying to prove to him that it wasn't his fault.

I looked at my brother when June started speaking to him again.  "I protect you from enough, though," I added, shaking my head and rubbing the back of my neck with my hand.  I did not feel like I was all that strong, but it was nice to think someone thought that.  All I did was try to make it through, that was all.

"You gave him four great years, better then he would've had without you." I pointed out. I had wondered what would've happened to Austin if Lincoln hadn't been there for him. "He may have gone through what you tried so hard to protect him from." I hated that I was bring this up, I just hoped that he would start to see that he had done his best.

I shook my head.  "No... they really loved him," I said, remembering being jealous of my little brother at the same time that I was happy for him.  It meant that he would not have to deal with what I went through.  And really, looking back, when Mother was not around... Dad loved me, too.  We had our moments... and those moments I clung to up until the day that he died and she went to Azkaban.  "I could tell... they never looked at me the way they gazed at him.  And that was okay.  It meant that he would be okay if things ever went too far and I wasn't strong enough to pull through..."  The thought still saddened me to this day.  If only I had fallen down those stairs... Austin could have had a life - and a good one.  But even that was not necessarily guaranteed.  Perhaps they would have turned on him eventually without the blight in the family being there.

I nodded, understanding him more then he probably knew. I sighed at what I was about to say. "It was similar with Draco and I." I admitted, wondering if I had told him that before. I'm sure he suspected if I hadn't but I wanted to make sure he knew I understood. "Draco was always the perfect one, they give him that look." I looked up at him. "I was the disappointment our whole lives and I was okay with that." I shrugged slightly, brushing it off as I'm sure he had done when Austin was alive. "It meant that Draco didn't get hurt and that mattered more then me being okay." I gave a small smile up at him, "I think I know what you mean."

A sad smile came across my lips.  "It certainly sounds like you do... and for that, I am very sorry," I said.  No one should have to go through what we went through.  It was horrible.  We had just been children... why put us through that much pain and misery?  "Though, I believe that is why you and I can probably get along better than we would ever realize before."

A sad smile came to my lips as i remembered a similar conversation between Draco and I, apologizing to each other for our parents. I had thought that I would never hear those words from anyone else but of course Lincoln would say them. I shook my head though. "You're not the one who made me the disappointment but I am sorry for what you went through as well." I looked over at him, returning his sad smile. I nodded, "Me too. Maybe something good came from all the hell we went through. Maybe someone figured we deserve something better then what we've been given." I gave a shrug, wondering if I even made sense to him. I turned to Austin. "You're brother always seems to know just what to say. I bet he was awesome with you." I could only imaging what Lincoln was like with his little brother, I smiled at the thought.