Before you met me, I was alright but things were kind of heavy, you brought me to life -- Fall 1991

"Some teachers are better then others." I said. "I wish I was that smart that I could learn all this on my own." I let my head fall. In the back of my mind, I wondered if Father had made sure I didn't think I was good enough just so I had rely on him to teach me when I was younger and so I would have to go to him when I couldn't get the spells right. I shook my head to clear it. "I do want to learn, I just don't know how good I'll be." I admitted softly.

"Don't go to Snape for help," I warned immediately.  "Well, you're in his House... so he may help you more than he helps anyone else -- which is not at all."  I shook my head at that.  He was probably the worst teacher at the school, though I did like the challenge.  I excelled in Potions.  I shrugged slightly, hoping to show her that it did not really matter if she might not be good at it.  "As long as you want to learn, I'll be here to help," I told her simply.

I gave a small laugh when he spoke about Snape. It was true. While he was helpful, he wasn't the best to ask. "I try to get most things on my own." I admitted, Father wasn't the best to ask either so I learned to work on my own but I wasn't the best teacher. I looked up at him. "I want to learn more then anything." I told him sincerely, hoping he would know I would work hard to prove Father wrong, to prove to myself that I could do these spells and charms.

I nodded.  "I understand that completely," I assured her.  It was always easier to do things on my own - a lot less explaining to do.  "And good... what do you want to start with?" I figured I would le ther choose rather than instruct her on anything.

He was letting me pick? Father never did that. I tried to hide my shock as I thought for a moment. "Maybe the Bat Bogey Hex?" I replied slowly. "I mean, it's best to start with defending ones self right?" I wasn't sure why I felt the need to explain myself to him. Maybe because Father always told me what spell to work on and Draco always planned everything for us, which I didn't mind, he was much better at it. I wasn't used to deciding and wanted to make sure I at least made sense if I was wrong.

I chuckled slightly.  "why does that not surprise me one bit?" I joked, figuring she would want to get her hands dirty and try to master that one.  It really was a fun one, I had to admit.

I gave a small laugh, happy I had picked the right spell to learn apparently. I shrugged, "Well, someone was picking on me and I want to defend myself." I didn't want to be the helpless little girl that Father thought I was. I wanted to prove them wrong, just like Lincoln said. "I want to prove them wrong." I said softly, unsure if he had heard. It didn't matter either way, I had hear myself and that was enough. I held my head a bit higher and squared my shoulders, just like Father taught us, more determined then ever to learn the spell.

I nodded, understanding completely.  "Alright... well, I really don't wnat you to attempt it on me, but since I know the counter-jinx, I'm as good as anyone to try it out on.  I don't want you to get in trouble for casting it on another student," I said, though I did not relish this that much.  "But the main focus is the incantation and the will to want ot succeed.  It's really the same thing with a lot of spells."

I nodded but frowned slightly. "I don't want you to get hurt though." Even if I didn't master the spell, which I wouldn't, at least today, other thing could go wrong and that would bad. At least it would just be me getting in trouble. There was no way he could when it would be me who would be casting the spell. I shook my head, "I don't care if you know the counter-jinx, can't we use the leaf? Or a dummy even?" I could pretend the dummy was was Father, that would make me want to succeed.

I furrowed my brow slightly.  "Well, right now we'll just focus on motivation and the incantation... and if it gets to the point where we need a volunteer... I'll have come up wiht something by then," I said to her, shrugging slightly.  I normally was good at thinking on a whim like this.  I looked around and saw that there were some critters flitting about on the grounds.  I doubted she would hurt them even if she did not do the hex correctly.  I would be able to help them even if she did -- I had learned a lot of charms that helped fix things because I did use magic at home.  I was in a wizarding house so the Ministry thought it was my parents.  I could help a little bit with them, anyways.

I nodded, likening this plan a bit better. "That sounds good to me." I closed my eyes and thought back to everything Father had done to Draco and I and everything he said to belittle me and make me feel worthless. I allowed it to fill me and thought back to what had made me want to get revenge on our neighbours when Draco and I were little. They had stole his ball and made fun of me. I allowed that to fill me as well and I felt my face harden. I opened my eyes, more determined to succeed then I felt in a long time. I narrowed my eyes. "I think I'm ready,"

<< Hmm... the lexicon doesn't have the incantation for this hex, so that's why I'm not going to write it down lol >>

I nodded at her and told her what the incantation was.  "Without your wand, repeat it a couple of times so you get the pronunciation correct... sometimes that changed the entire spell," I told her.

<< that's okay, it works! >>

I nodded, put my wand in my pocket, and repeated the incantation a few times slowly, pronouncing it the best I could. Once I thought I had it right, I said it at a more normal speed. I looked up at him, hopeful that I had said it correctly. "Was it good?"

I nodded at her, smiling slightly.  "Yeah, that was great," I assured her.  I pulled out my own wand and pointed it at a squirrel that was climbing a nearby tree.  "Immobulis," I muttered and watched the squirrel stop.  "Trust me... you won't hurt it.  I'd say you could use a leaf or something... but the way the curse works, you need something that actually has bogeys," I explained.  I was sure that she would be slightly appalled by the fact of using something alive to practice the spell on.

I smiled when he said it was great but my smile faded as I realized what he was doing when he immobilized the squirrel. I shook my head. I didn't want to hurt anyone or anything, but Lincoln said I won't and he did say he knew the counter-jinx. I bit my lip slightly, still unsure of all this. "He won't get hurt?" I couldn't stand anything getting hurt, enough of that happened in my house.