The ghost of your disappointment is haunting him -- July 1997

I tilted my head slightly to the side as I chewed another bit of my sandwich. Draco clearly had a plan. It involved both of us getting away from here and I was all for that. I had no idea what he was thinking though. "You don't know if he'll take us...Draco, where do you want to go and when do we leave?" I smiled at him, "You know I'm up for anything if it involves leaving here. What's the plan?" I was happy he was thinking this way. He was getting back to his normal self. He was right, he would be okay, eventually. He was also right about Father. I wasn't sure if either of us would survive if we didn't get away. Draco had a plan for that and I would follow him anywhere.

I knew Snape would not let us run from our problems forever, but he may have advice and be helpful in the manner of us at least being able to heal properly before anything else is done to us.  I looked at her.  "Spinner's End -- Snape," I explained to her.  "We leave as soon as he says.  I don't know if you found it, but on the floor of my closet I had a bag packed... it's my emergency bag to leave here."  I sighed and readjusted myself so I was laying down, but propped up slightly wiht my pillows.  Sitting upright was taking it out of me.  "I knew something would happen the second I realized I would not take the mark.  So I prepared the best that I could.  I'm sure he'll let us stay... he's always been there for me whether I wanted him to be or not."  I really looked up to Professor Snape... I viewed him more as a father figure than my own father sometimes.

I nodded. It was a good plan and I hoped it would work. "I had seen the bag and figured out what it was. I packed my own the other day, it's next to yours now." I really thought through the plan. "I think it'll work. I mean I know we can't stay there forever but maybe, just long enough to get back on our feet." I turned to look at Draco laying on his bed. "Should I write him? Ask if we can come?" I though Snape maybe willing to help us. He really was a great person.

I nodded at her.  "Do it... because I don't know how much longer either one of us can stay holed up in here," I said.  At least there we would not have to hide.  And Professor Snape was the only adult that I could act more like myself around.  He did not care, but he warned me to be careful about who saw me like that.  I got to see his nicer side, and I was grateful for that.

I nodded and quickly wrote the letter on the parchment paper I had brought in from my room when I wrote my letters to Linc. I really wanted to send Linc's letter to him, to make sure I always had some of his potion, but I knew Snape's letter was more important. I sighed. "It's not long, just saying we need to get away from here for a bit and we'll explain more when we get there if he allows us to come." I summarized. I looked over at Draco, "Sound good?"

I nodded.  Snape knew how much the death affected me.  There had not been much time between the murder and the torture, but I had opened up to him about what I was going to do.  I had no asked if we could stay with him, but I knew he was there for him.  I had broken down with him about what I had done.  "That's good," I agreed.  "He knew what I was planning on doing about the Mark... I had spoken to him about it.  This hopefully won't be too surprising for him."

I nodded and walked over to the window to call my owl. I had bought her last summer so I could send letter to whoever I wanted and Mother and Father wouldn't know it was me. They still had never seen her. She was a grey and brown barn owl, easily blending in. "Go Eve. Please bring back some good news." I had tied the letter onto her and she flew away. "And now we wait." I turned back to Draco and sat back down. "Are you feeling any better?" I had hoped with the protein shake, it would at lease give him back some of his energy. I was still worried about him

<< And since I forgot to mention it in the PM, I love June's new pic!   >>

I was laying back down, though my head was propped up more than it would have been if I was by myself.  "I'm fine," I answered automatically.  That had been my response for nearly a year whenever anyone had asked me that at school.  There was nothing to do now for me anyways.  My body had to heal on its own -- I was ot going to take any more of that potion that was for sure.  "Thank you... for everything that you've done for me in the past year," I told her quietly.  I had secluded myself from everyone but Snape since the murder that I was not sure if Juniper knew how much I appreciated everything she had done -- especially now after saving me again.  "I... can I talk about what happened up there that night?" I asked her, my throat seemingly constricting and I felt my eyes water slightly.  I had to talk to someone... Snape knew.  I had told him everything.  All of my doubts and what my decision was going to be about the Mark.  He had understood.  I knew he did; I just did not have the heart then to ask if I could stay with him.  Because, obviously, it would not be just me he would have to house.  I would not leave my sister behind.

<< thanks! I saw you changed yours a while back, which it also loved, so I thought why not... >>

I knew he resopnded the way he always thought he had too. I was about to make him tell me the truth when he asked if we could talk about what happened. I hoped he knew that he could alway talk to me about what happened, nothing would change that. "Of course. Draco, you can always talk to me about anything. If you want to, we can definitely talk it over." We hadn't talked much since, but maybe this would be a great way to get back to where we used to be. I had hoped he would open up to me at some point, as Linc once said, keeping things bottled up isn't always the wisest idea.

<< Haha yeah... I change their pics all the time because there are so many good ones out there! lol But thanks!  I really liked his other one, too, but then I found this one  >>

I hoped that maybe in talking about it I would not be haunted by him the way I had been.  I was not sure if I could look at her, though.  It was hard to look anyone in the eye since then.  Instead, I looked down at the marks I had on my arms as I idly traced over them without really thinking about what I was doing.  It caused some tenderness and pain, but I would take that over seeing whatever it was that I would see in my sister's eyes when I started talking.  "I almost didn't do it," I said, my voice sounding a little stronger than I expected.  "I didn't want to.  Being up there... having him there in my sights... I just -- it just made me realize that even more."  I shook my head, but stopping when it made it throb.  "I-I wish Greyback hadn't found you... you could have been safe... it was just Aunt Bellatrix and Snape up there with me and the professor.  I could have fought against her... Snape could've helped him... he promised he could protect us so I didn't have to do it..."  I leaned all the way back on my pillows supporting me and put my hands over my face and then ran them through my hair.  "But I had to once she brought you up... I had to," I said quietly, my voice breaking slightly.

<< I know! I found another few I saved and will be changing out eventually...>>

I closed my eyes and took a shaky breath. I knew it was my fault that Draco had to kill Professor Dumbledore. It wasn't just on his conscience, it was on mine too. "I know Draco. I know." I assured him. "Greyback found me when I was protecting first years from him. I heard them scream so I ran towards it and saw him. I told him to pick on someone his own size....he grabbed my arm and took me up to where you were." I sighed and looked at Draco, wishing he would look at me. "I remember seeing your wand lowered but I wasn't really concentrating on that at the moment. I knew you didn't want to, I hated seeing everything you went through.....knowing it was my fault." I shook my head. "Aunt Bellatrix told you didn't she? That she was the one who attacked me?" I had heard her say something but I was under the affects of the Crutiatus Curse at the time and couldn't concentrate on what she was saying. I assumed that she would tell him at the most opportune time. "I should've told you sooner but you had so much going on." I took another shaky breath, "I'm sorry, for everything."

I finally looked at Juniper through teary eyes.  "It was not your fault," I told her.  "Don't ever think that it was your fault.  The only one we should blame for putting me into that situation, really, is Father.  But even then... no one other than me said those words... sent that curse..." I closed my eyes and felt a tear escape its confines.  I did not want to talk about it to place blame on her or anyone really.  I just needed to get some of the weight off of my chest before I drowned in my misery.

"It's not your fault, you didn't willing say those words. You said them to save my life." I reminded him unnecessarily. Tears had started forming and I felt a few fall. I shook my head, "If only I could've stalled him a bit, got under his skin enough so he would focus only on me instead of us, maybe I could've bought you some time." I had no idea what had been going on up in the tower, how close Draco had been to getting out of it all, until now. I sighed and looked at him, "I blame Father for everything." I almost wished he had been in the room so he would know exactly what he had done to Draco. Would he have cared though? Would he have cared if Draco had failed his task and I had been killed? Somehow, I didn't think so. He would've only cared that Draco had failed and that he himself would've been killed as well.

I shook my head slightly and opened my eyes, looking at her.  "All that would have done was provoke Greyback to maul you... I would not have been okay with that, either.  At least this way..." I could not even finish my thought.  At least this way what?  At least this way we were okay and Dumbledore was gone?  At least this way there was some understanding for what had happened now?  I sighed.  "He did what I would have willingly done for you... he understood what needed to be done and he had come to terms with it the moment Greyback walked you up there to that Tower."  He told me it was okay... that he understood.  Somehow that did not make me feel better about ending his life.

"It still would've bought you time." I said under my breath. I looked over at my brother. "Do you really think I wouldn't willingly die for you as well? Why do you think that I'd been trying to get us both used to the idea of them killing me?" I ask gently. I shook my head. I would do anything for Draco, I had accepted the fact that I might die if he couldn't finish the task. I guess I never said enough to get him use to the idea though. I sighed, "He was a great person in life and death. I have no doubt he knew what he was doing and that he understood what you were being asked to do. He was trying to make the decision easier on you, just like I was." We both had the same idea, just in terms of different outcomes.