The ghost of your disappointment is haunting him -- July 1997

"I didn't deserve it -- from either of you," I said, speaking of the ways they had each tried to help me.  "If I would have listened to Snape... maybe things would have been different."  I stopped, not letting myself do this again.  "I can't keep thinking of the what ifs... there's no way to bring him back.  I did it; I killed him.  There's nothing I can do about it now..."  I needed to stop dwelling on it.  But how could I not?  I took Professor Dumbledore's life.  "And I know what you would do for me, June.  I'm just not okay with that."

"What you didn't deserve is what they put you though by making you do that task and the effects it still has on you." I had seen it, like now he would think of the what ifs. He had to stop doing that if he wanted to get over what he had done, what he had to do to save my life. I knew it would be tough but he saved my life by killing an innocent person, the least I could was help him get past this. "I'm not okay with what you would be willing to do for me either Draco. This was one thing but don't ever say that you would die for me again. You have more to live for then I do." I knew I was being a hypocrite since I had tied to convince him to let me die to help him but I knew my life didn't matter as much as Draco's did. Father liked to remind me of that as much as he could.

I chuckled with no humor.  "Like what, June?  There's nothing for me... I know when I step foot through that door without you by my side, something will happen to me.  I know this.  I am not the pride and joy anymore.  Not that I enjoyed living for that, but it was better than nothing," I said, shaking my head.  "So tell me... what the bloody hell do I have to live for?"  My grief and anger were starting to take control of me as I spoke to my sister.

"Me?" I more asked then answered. I knew that Draco was just taking out some of his anger on me and I tried not to show that it hurt. "You can live for me." I told him again. "And when I'm not here anymore I know you can survive without me." I looked over at my brother, knowing this was true. "You're the one who always protected me from Father, you're the one who resisted the Mark, and your the one who killed to save my life." I took a shaky breath. "You'll be okay without me, your strong enough on your own. I could never survive without you."

I realized when she answered me how much of an ass I sounded like.  I did not mean it towards her at all.  I felt myself calm down slightly, though I still felt guilty for saying what I had.  "If I'd be okay without you, I wouldn't have fought so hard to save you," I told her gently.  I would not have done what I did to keep her alive if I could have gone on without my sister.  "I'm sorry, June... I didn't mean it the way it sounded," I added sincerely.

I sighed when he said he wouldn't have worked so hard to saved me if he could've gone on without me. No one had said anything like that to me before, that they needed me. I knew I relied on a lot of people to help me get thought everything but to know someone needed me too? It was sort of a good feeling for once. "I know." I assured him. "We're both getting over everything that happened to us, we're both on edge right now. You more so then I with what you've been through." I knew this stage may last a while but hopefully if Professor Snape let us stay with him, he could help us get past this so we could move on with our lives. "You don't need to apologize to me for anything Draco. I understand."

I smiled slightly at her and nodded.  Sometimes I would get so self-centered, that I would nearly forget everything she was put through to get to me.  I just needed help to get through everything for once.  Normally I was the one doing the helping, not receiving it.  I was finally in Juniper's shoes.  I looked at her and sighed.  "June... right now, you deserve more apologies and thanks than I could ever give to you," I told her honestly.  Where would I be right now if I did nto have my sister?

I smiled at my brother. "We've been through a lot. We've both helped each other through everything." I knew he wasn't used to needing help from anyone but it wasn't like I would ever leave him like this. I would help him through anything. "I'm just happy that I finally get to repay you for everything you've done for me although I know I never really could." He had done so much for me I could never repay him. Only show him how much I appreciated it by always being there for him when he needed me. Like now.

She was right about that.  We had been through so much... and yes, normally the roles were reversed.  This time, I was glad that Juniper was not in my position.  I had gotten a taste of what she went through from Aunt Bellatrix... and I hoped that she had not felt anything compared to what I was feeling, but I knew she had.  Aunt Bellatrix was horrible.  "You don't need to worry about repaying me," I assured her with a small smile.  "I'm your brother... it's what I'm here for."

I let my gaze wonder to the ground. "I know but you didn't have to do all of those things for me but you did. I know I'm your sister but still." I knew I wasn't special, Father liked to remind me of that when he could. Draco and Linc both tried to convince me otherwise but I still didn't believe them. I could only imagine what he had gone though. The Dark Lord and Aunt Bellatrix. I shuttered as I remember my own experience with the latter. I tried to think about doubling that pain and knew I would never have survived as well as Draco had.

"I won't let any harm befall you while I'm still breathing," I assured her.  "And that's not just because your my sister."  I knew she did not believe it when I told her she was worth fighting for or anything like that, so I stopped saying it and just started showing it.

"You don't have to but I know you still will." I smiled over at him. "I wish I could protect you more then I do." I said sadly. I wish it had been me that had been put through this again. I wasn't sure if I would've survived it like Draco did though.

I looked at her.  "You have done plenty for me this past week," I assured her.  I was not sure if I would still be here if it were not for her.  "We'll be able to get out of here, too.  I can promise you that.  We won't be here for the rest of summer if I can help it."  I did not want to deal with any of this for the rest of the summer holiday.  I could not do it and I knew that if soething happened to me, everything I did to protect Juniper would have been for nothing.

I looked over at him. "We're leaving for the whole summer?" I ignored his first comment, I hadn't done enough to protect him from them. I hadn't expected it to be that long, just a week or so. It made more sense though, but I knew the longer we were away, the worse it would be when we got back. I could only imagine what Christmas holiday would be like. We would deal with that when it came though, I just wanted to get away right now. I sighed "I hope Snape will get back to us soon. I just want to know if we can stay with him." I wanted to know if he would take us in when no one else would. "We can deal with everything else later. We just need to get out of here."

I nodded, though stopped quickly when it made my head throb.  "That's the plan," I told her simply.  "And I may just stay at Hogwarts during Christmas holiday, too.  I don't know if I can look Father in the eyes without trying to kill him."  It was his fault I was in this mess to begin with.