The ghost of your disappointment is haunting him -- July 1997

I shook my head at the candy.  Even though I did not want to do nothing, she was right.  Instead of unbuttoning my shirt, I just slipped it over my head, wincing as it stretched my skin where the wounds were.  The dittany did wonders, but everything was still fresh and tender.  I draped it across my dresser to try to keep it from wrinkling and I set the jeans down.  I stood back up and grabbed sweats and changed into those.  Juniper has seen me in my boxers plenty of times, I was not too concerned if she saw me in my skivvies at the moment.  I sat back down, grateful that my bed was right there.

I looked over at her.  "You need more than chocolate, June.  Go down and get some real food... you can bring it back up here and eat if you want so you're not down there that long on your own, but you need something substantial," I said quietly.  I knew I really should eat something as well.  I just was not entirely sure if I could eat anything right now.  I was too painful and too worried to try to force something down.

Taking back the piece I had gotten for him, I ate both. I was glad that he was changing again into more comfortable clothes. I started to lean over to help him unbutton his shirt when he just pulled it over his head. "Draco, please be careful." I reached for the shirt and walked over to his closet to hang it back up. I took the pants he had placed down and put them back in his dresser as well. The fact he was in his skivvies didn't faze me much. Though I had seen him in his boxes plenty of times, he could not say the same of me. A long t-shirt and underwear yes, but not just my undergarments. I walked back to my chair and sat down, my hunger increased since I had eaten the chocolate.

I sighed, "You do too." I pointed out. "I'll bring us both some food." I would make sure he would eat something. "I'm not eating if your not." I looked him in the eye, "And if I go down to get us food, you have to promise me you will not leave this room."

I appreciated Juniper putting my things back for me.  She knew I hated things in disarray, it made me feel less in control.  I really did have problems.  I shook my head slightly.  "Just down the hall?" I pleaded.  "To the bathroom, that's it."  That was one thing that our parents did not have for us were adjoining bathrooms to our bedrooms.  They probably did that on purpose to make sure that we did not hide in our rooms forever or anything.  I wanted to look myself over in the mirror in there and that was it.  I would listen to her and avoid Father for at least one more day.  "I'll try to eat -- no promises.  I'm not forcing anything down just to throw it back up."  I was feeling lightheaded and shaky, and I knew part of it had to come from lack of nutrition for the past week of being unconscious.

I knew he would have to leave the room to use the bathroom eventually. I sighed and nodded, "I'm coming with you and I'll will guard the door." I didn't want Father to know he was awake yet. I gave a small smile when he said he would at least try to eat. "It will make you feel better, I promise." I thought of the best way to go about this plan. "Why don't we get you to the bathroom first. We'll come back here and I'll grab some food. Any requests?" Hopefully, if felt like something, he would be more willing to eat it. I was worried about running into Father when I got our food but I would cross that bridge if it came. I was more worried about Draco getting better. At least there was no arguments about who had done it this time around. I kind of understood how Draco felt when I had inserted that I had forgetting who attacked me. If I didn't know who had done this to him, I would be even more upset.

I nodded, though I stopped because it made my stomach to a flip.  "Alright, that's the plan.  And just something bland.  It might not be so horrible if it comes back up," I commented, answering her.  I stood up and started to the door.  I took a deep breath and squared my shoulders and held my head high -- the way that Father always expected me to be.  If I saw him, I wanted to at least appear that everything was fine.  I was not even going to try to put a shirt on to cover the marks.  If he saw them, perhaps it would send guilt to the pit of his stomach and make him realize what he was doing to us.  I knew better than that, though.  He would think that I got what I deserved.  

We managed to make it to the bathroom where I closed the door behind me.  I looked at myself in the mirror and realized how gaunt I looked and how each scar stood out quite red against my pale skin.  I had dark circles under my eyes despite having been unconscious for a week.  I splashed water on my face and ran some through my grungy hair and over the back of my neck, hoping to give myself some sort of energizing boost like a regular shower tended to give me.  I stared at the stranger in the mirror.  How did I get here.  I grabbed a towel and wiped my dripping face and dropped it, startled, when I thought I saw him behind me.  I spun around and of course no one was there.  I looked back into the mirror and I was alone.  I knew I would end up seeing the man I murdered haunting me everywhere I went... I opened the bathroom door and saw June still standing there.  "Let's go," I said, shaking even worse now, more or less because of those blue eyes I had seen in the mirror behind me than anything else.

We got up from our spots and started towards the door, both instinctively raising out heads and squaring our shoulders, just like a Father taught us. I was about to point out that he didn't have a shirt on but I thought I knew why. We both knew it wouldn't change anything but we could hope. Once we got there, he slipped into the bathroom and closed the door while I started pacing, not being able to stand still. I absent-mindedly put my hands on my dragon pendent, reminding myself that I had to send it back to Linc so he could refill it for me. He came out a few minutes later, his face and hair slightly wet, and we headed back toward his room. He looked even shakier and paler then before and I wondered if that was a result of seeing himself in the mirror. I put my hands on his shoulders and guided him back. Once we were there, we both sat down again, I needed to get some strength back up if I was going to get us food soon and possibly run into Father. I knew Draco would probably catch on so I decided to attempt to distract him, "Tell me how you're feeling."

How on earth could I possibly tell her how I was feeling?  What I meant to say and what actually came out of my mouth were two different things.  I wanted to shrug off how I was feeling and say that I was fine, but that was not what happened.  "I saw him," I said, my mouth dry.  "he was right behind me... but obviously it was not him.  He was the only person I recognized in that mirror in there."  I knew I had to sound like a mental person to my sister.  I was shaking badly now and I knew I needed water or something for my throat and dry mouth.

"He's never going to let me forget..." I said, my voice sounding hoarse and quiet.

I knew this would happen, it's why I said he shouldn't have done the task, not to worry about what would happen to me. I knew that wouldn't happen though, I would've done the same thing. I took the glass of water that I had on the bed side table and handed it to him. I sighed, "I have a feeling you maybe seeing him quite a bit over the next little while." I warned. "You've been through hell Draco, I didn't recognize myself when I woke up either. You will though, eventually." I shook my head, "I don't know how to stop you from seeing him but just remember, I'm always here for you." I took his hands in my. "This is real, you are real and I am real. That's all the matters right now."

I took a small sip of the water, letting it soothe my throat and mouth before saying anything else.  I looked at her when she grabbed my hands.  "Don't let me lose myself," I asked of her.  The memory of that night would surely drive me mad.  I would need Juniper to remind me that what I kept seeing was not really him.  It was just a memory.  I needed her by my side through all of this and was grateful that she never wavered.  

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.  "All of this will just take some time," I said, indicating the healing of my wounds, getting back to normal, being able to sleep -- everything.  "But you need to focus on yourself, June.  I've got me right now.  I'll be okay.  I need you to be strong and healthy for the both of us, really... for the next few days at least."  I wanted to help take away all the negatives working against her in the world.  I wished she would not have had to see me like this -- me seeing her tortured by Aunt Bellatrix was bad.  I had tried to protect her from it, but I was glad she was there for me at the same time.

I smiled sadly at him, he had done all this for me. "I will never let you lose yourself Draco. You should know that by now." I sighed, "I am focusing on myself and I will be strong for us while you gain your strength back." I assured him. I was lying though and was sure he knew. How could I focus on myself while Draco was like this? I didn't want to leave Draco's side now that he was up, what if something else happened to him with I was gone for a moment? I would never be able to forgive myself. What if Father found a way in? I would be strong for us, it was the one way I could help Draco right now. "I'll be our strength right now."

I sighed and rolled my eyes, knowing that look.  "Go get some food, I'll make sure you actually eat something substantial, and we'll go from tehre," I suggested.  "And June, I'll be fine.  The ward has held up this long... it'll hold up with you downstairs."  I was a little weary and paranoid of the day that Father would figure out how to get past it.  I just hoped he was still angry with me because that meant that he was still devising a punishment and not wanting to actually give me the punishment.

I bit my lip, still hesitant to go downstairs and leave Draco, but he was right, I needed to eat and so did he. "Alright," I said reluctantly, "I'll be right back." I got up, slipped out the door and disapparated into the kitchen where I quickly set to work. I made myself a ham, cheese and onion sandwich and Draco a protein shake, hoping that since he drank the water he might be able to drink this. I didn't put any fruit in it, just water and the protein powder, not only was it bland but I could mix it with a spoon and not make any noise. I kept my eyes peeled the entire time, dreading running into Father. I jumped at every noise, even if I created it. I quickly finished making the food and disapparated back to his door where I gently knocked on it. "It's just me." I said. A few moments later, the ward was lifted and I walked in, replacing it right away. "Here you go." I held out the glass, hoping he would be able to keep it down. He needed his strength. "Just a protein shake." I told him. I sat back down on my chair, placed my plate on my lap and waited for him to take a sip.

I took the shake and drank some of it.  It actually tasted good, surprisingly.  I would still drink it slowly not wanting to bombard my stomach with anything and then have to see what I did and make myself want to throw up again.  "What have they been saying, June," I asked her quietly.  "What has Father and Mother been saying?"  I knew any of the other Death Eaters would think that I got what I deserved.  There was just a small part of me that hoped that Mother and Father may have shown some tiny thread of remorse over what had happened to their son.  I knew better, though.  Father had been so close to causing me more pain if I had not escaped to my room.  I just wondered if... well, I wondered if Mother even cared.  I wondered if Father was going to want to do any more harm to me.  I wondered where I stood with everyone so I could be prepared and as much in control as I could be in this situation when I finally left the safety of my bedroom.

I took a few bites of my sandwich once Draco had started drinking the shake I had made but put it down when he asked what they had been saying. I finished slowly chewing and swallowing the piece I had been eating while I thought of the best way to answer. I wanted to lie and say I hadn't seen Father but I knew he would catch on. "Father's furious, more so then he's ever been with me I think. I'm pretty sure he's still figuring out what to do with you." It was the last I heard anyway. I sighed when I thought about Mother, "Mother wanted to come in and see you but I couldn't risk it and I didn't want her to see you like this anyway." I hoped he understood why I hadn't let her in. "She seemed a bit upset about it though. You know how good she is at hiding her emotion." I gave a small smile, "I, of course, have been worried sick about you and couldn't be happier that you are up and at least drinking something to get your energy back up." I attempted to lighten the mood, hoping it would work. I knew why he was asking, he wanted to know what to expect when he left this room to face everyone. If I had my way, he would never leave here again but I knew that wasn't a possibility. I just hoped we could get through whatever was next like we always had, together.

I nodded slowly, not at all surprised by what she said Father was like.  I feared what I would have to endure when I resurfaced.  I understood and was grateful that June had protected me, even from Mother.  Though a real mother would have fought her way in to take care of her child.  I hated our family.  I looked at June.  "I'm sorry to have worried you so," I said, attempting to smile.  "I'm fine now, though, so it'll be fine."  I had to tell myself that at the moment.  I drank some more of the protein shake as I thought about what I was going to do.  I had a plan -- a wild one -- that I thought I may just have to attempt to follow through with.  "June... we're going to run away -- at least for a little while," I said slowly.  "I have an idea of where I'd like to go... I just don't know if he'll take us.  But if I stay here, I don't know if I'll make it out alive.  Which means that I don't know if you'll make it out alive and I didn't just do all of that to have either one of us die from Father's fury."