I know you hear me, I can taste it in your tears, holding my last breath - Fall 2018

I leaned into Lily as sobs racked my body.  "I-I'm... so sorry," I sobbed, holding Remus's body as I borrowed as much strength from Lily as I could.  I was apologizing to my best mate... too late.   It was all too late.  We all had been too late to save Chloe... and now Remus.  I could not do this.  And who knew the scene Sirius had walked in on to find Remus like this?  There had clearly been a struggle... most likely with Boris.  I regained partial control of myself and I looked at Lily.  "Where do we go?" I asked her, sounding like a lost child.

I took a deep breath, " We should get him inside and cleaned up." I said, " I'll handle that..." I told him as I was not sure how much he or Sirius would be able to handle. " I would say to St. Mungo's in my office..." I bit my lip. " no one will come in and we'll be able to get everything taken care of for him." I told him going into my role of the healer and feeling like I have to take everyone's pain away.

I nodded slowly.  "I-I can take him... let Padfoot and Ems know where we're going," I said hoarsely.  I cleared my throat slightly hoping it might make my voice sound better, but of course it did not.  "Come quickly, though..." I was not sure if I could be alone with Moony in her office without going mental.  This was my best mate.  I knew if I was alone too long with just him... I would go into the angry phase of grief and I did not want that -- not until after I spoke with Sirius about what had happened.

I had someone holding onto me, I felt arms around me. I forgot who it was as I saw James carrying Remus. I did this. I did it. You know, I am a murderer. He asked me to end this. I did and I have never felt so broken. Boris did this to him. I was being guided one direction as I didn't know what to do or where to go. Tears falling freely, I did not care what I looked like nor did I care about crying. He was someone I went to when I felt this broken. What that hell am I supposed to do now. " What do we do?" I asked hoarsely.

I heard what Lily had said and I nodded her way so she knew to stay with James.  I could get Sirius there.  I knew that we needed to get the guys somewhere other than here.  It may help.  I rubbed Sirius's shoulders.  "We're going to Lily's office," I said quietly.  I really did not trust Sirius to go on his own.  "C'mon sweetie... I can get us there."  I had no idea how I was sounding so calm talking to my husband right now.  I was going off of my mum side here; whenever the kids needed me no matter how angry or sad the situation made me, I always had to be strong for them to come to me.  So I was doing that for Sirius no matter how much it killed me inside to see Remus gone.

We had made it to Lily's office as I felt broken inside. I didn't know what to do. The one who does....asked me to end him. How could I do this to him. I see his face, he looks so calm now. I walked slowly to the table where Prongs put Mooney. I took his hand, " I couldn't save him..." I said quietly. I didn't know if anyone heard me. I didn't want to have to end Boris. I really didn't. If I could have kept him cornered until the others came. Maybe they could have helped. I am a murderer. My legs felt like they could buckle underneath me at any given moment.

I stepped back after laying Moony down.  I moved back towards Padfoot and put a hand on his shoulder.  "C'mon... let's let the girls do their work..." I suggested, steering Sirius out of the office.  I did not want to watch as they made Remus more presentable than what he was.  I could not handle this.  "Mate, it wasn't your fault," I said to him quietly.  "I'm sure you did everything you could to save him..."  There was no way that Sirius needed to be blaming himself about this.  Fresh tears came to my eyes.  "You know he wouldn't want you to think that way..."  I could not believe I was speaking for Remus in past tense... it was unreal.

I heard James speak to me and it was almost as if my insides wanted out. I started to feel nauseous again. I needed to get sick or at least my body thought so. I took deep breaths as Prongs spoke. " I feel like I could've saved him...." I said quietly. I didn't want to tell James what had happened. I mean, would he understand what I did was for Remus and not something to do against him.

I couldn't believe he asked me to kill him. Why did I do it....I can't tell James. I don't want to lose everything all at once. I couldn't nor would I know how to do that. I looked to him as the need to get sick grew when I realized I had Remus' dry blood still all over me. Which started to make me heave. " I could...." I said as I was trying to not get sick in the middle of talking.  " It was my fault...I could've done more to help him. " I said as I received the look from James. " I know he wouldn't want me thinking like that. How could I not though. He asked me to end him and make sure he didn't hurt me or anyone else again. I wiped my eyes angrily as I felt I didn't have the right to be in mourning for our friend.

Looking right to his eyes, " Mate.....what do we do?" I asked him. Still feeling like a child who didn't know where their parents were. Remus always knew what to do and because of Boris he's now gone. That's because of me. I didn't have to do that. I could've said no. We could've tried help.

Although, after lifting him it seemed as though the human gave up eating and the wolf entered more and more into his system. It broke my heart knowing I made Remus take his last breath. Could I really tell James everything that happened. I knew that what he wants to know. It's just who he is. What on easrth do I tell him to let him be able to mourn Remus and I still have him as a friend. Closing my eyes as I heard the last thing he said. " It's a shame we won't be able to hear him say it.." I said in between breath as I was almost hyperventilating. What would I do? I have lost a brother. Now, here stood the last one I had left and he wants to know. I killed Remus, he lost the fight to Boris and Boris took over. Before he did that though he asked me if I would mind killing him. How would I tell that to anyone. No one would understand what I had done. I would end up all alone. Losing the kids, Ember, James, Lily...everyone that really meant anything to me. More tears filled my eyes as I took a garbage can from nearby and sat down on the chair in the hallway as it was the nearest one. Looking up to Prongs, " What can we do?" I asked him at a whisper.

I stood near Sirius, unable to sit still.  I felt like if I stopped moving it would make this even more real than what it was or something.  It would make me actually accept the fact that Remus was gone and all I had left was Sirius.  We were the only ones left.  That made my stomach tense up and tears come to my eyes again.  What were we going to do?  With the realization finally hitting me, I had to sit down.  I sat heavily next to Sirius and put my face in my hands.

It was a few moments before I looked over at Sirius.  "We take it a moment at a time," I said, remembering something my dad had told me so many years ago.  It was actually when I asked him advice about being friends with someone who had a big secret and had a troubled life.  He had hardly any friends and we were his only mates.  What could I do?  My dad had told me to take it a moment at a time and just be there for him.  Despite not knowing that the secret was a furry little problem known as Boris these days, my father had helped me so much with me wondering if I could actually be friends with Remus.  And now I had no idea how I could have ever doubted that friendship.  I took a deep breath.  "Sirius, I'm here.  You can't keep whatever happened bottled up -- I can see it tearing you apart already," I said quietly.  I did not want to seem insensitive to my only brother left, but he had to know that he needed to tell someone.  "It's okay if you can't talk to me about it now, but just know I'm here for you."

I had no idea what these moments would lead to.  We would have to tell the kids and the grandkids... it was going to be a mess.  Remus's half sisters had to know... Lucy, Will, Ally, Leo, Mere, Charlie... everyone.  The school.  I took another deep breath to try to push all that aside.  That moment was not yet upon us.  "Right now... we just need to grieve so we can be strong enough to at least tell Penny, Des, Lucy, and Will."  They could help us tell the rest of them.  Our children would need to know, but the ones related by blood had to be first in line.

I nodded as he spoke about taking one moment at a time. " I will soon..." I said as I had my head spinning about telling Prongs. " I know your here.....and I have never been more glad to see you." I said to him as I attempted at showing some emotion. " I'm glad I'm not alone...." I wondered what he would do if he were int he spot Remus put me in. I was a mix of emotions. I wanted Remus to come back so I could punch him in the face for making me have to live with this. How do I not become the thing that everyone is going to hate. I will be alone and because I went with what his wishes were. " How could I be so stupid!?" I said into my hands. I wanted to know answers. I wanted to know why he didn't come to us sooner. I had found him after the fight happened with Chloe and Will. I mean, I heard all about it. How could I not have done something sooner. To get moony the help he needed.

I sat there next to Sirius, at a complete loss.  I was not good at this part, Remus was the one who always kenw the right things to say to help people.  I had just bee bull-headed not to see that before.  I looked down and away from Sirius for a moment, wondering what we were going to do.  "Sirius... it wasn't your fault.  Remus... he lost control,"  I said sadly, knowing the contant battle he had been going through every day.  The one he was normally so good at hiding.

I sighed running a hand through my hair. Was it Remus who lost control, or I just gave in to what he wanted all along. I looked down at the ground as the scene played over and over in my head. Him asking me, why the hell would he ask me to do that. I mean, he is Remus the cool and collected one. I just didn't think he would wait until it's at this point where he couldn't control it anymore. I looked back to Prongs, " Should've been able to help.."

I turned towards Sirius.  There was something much deeper going on here and if I did not get to teh bottom of it, I would not be able to help my mate.  "What happened out there?  Sirius... I need to know to be able to help," I told him softly.  "I mean... you're covered in blood... he was covered in..." I trailed off, looking at Padfoot, tears coming to my eyes again.  No... it could not be.  Boris attacked him.  He had to have.  And Sirius... he had to defend himself.  When Boris attacked, he attacked to kill.  Being by himself, Sirius had to be on the same playing field -- if I had been there we may have been able to get him back under control.  But by oneself, it was much more difficult to do.

I felt myself start to shake as Prongs seemed to be figuring it out. Which brought a fresh batch of tears falling from my eyes. " Prongs...I was by myself with him....I watched Boris.....he ....he...killed him.." I said looking back at the ground. Here it comes, I know he's going to leave now. I am going to be alone. With this thought my body started racking with sobs. I hope he knows I wouldn't let this just happen. I just needed my brother to not hate me forever. He apologized to me. " He said sorry......and that he didn't want me....to let him hurt anyone....he....he...came at me.....Boris when Remus......di......died..." I finished as I started coughing.

So Boris did fully take over.  I felt tears stinging at my eyes again.  I swallowed hard and hugged my brother -- the only brother I had left.  "Sirius... if Boris... if he was really gone... it's okay," I managed to say quietly, trying not to break down and form real sentences -- which did not happen.  Tears fell down my cheeks.  A part of me wanted to yell at Sirius, to tell him he should have sent for me and I could have helped.  But the other part of me knew how Boris was... and most of the time you did not get a chance to even yell for help.  Remus would never have wanted Boris to run loose to hurt people...