Left me drowning in my tears -- Early Fall 2008

It was a week after almost losing Dean.  They had induced a coma and now they were taking those drugs away so he would be waking up whenever his body let him.  There was  debate on whether or not he would have feeling in his legs.  His parents had Stan and Dona.  I did nto want them to be here for a long time.  I stayed with Dean for the entire day.  I was just getting up to head home when I heard something behind me.  I turned and saw that dean had his eyes open.  "Dean!" I said, rushing to his side and taking his hand.

The last thing I remembered was being at the house.  "What happened?" I asked.  I was overwhelmed with worry for my son. He was injured... and now I was clearly at St. Mungo's. I looked at Addison.  "Stan...?"  I needed to know what happened with Constantine.

He must not remember the first time he woke up.  I brushed some of his sweat off of his brow with a damp cloth that I had.  "Honey, Stan is okay.  He got injured and is... well, he's blind now," I explained feeling horrible for my husband.  The look of pain made me wish I could take it away.  He quickly recovered and his face went to where he was hiding everything from me.  It was his good fall back routine.  I moved closer to his bed.  "How are you feeling, babe?" I questioned.

It felt like my legs  I was uncomfortable and wanted to adjust myself.  I moved my torso but I could nto adjust my legs.  I tried again, but it was like all I felt was on fire.  I could not feel my toes; I was not even sure if I was moving them.  I looked down at m legs and feet and then at my ife.  "Addison... I don't think I can move my legs... Addie, I can't feel my legs," I said, panicking.  What was going on?  I let my guard down and let my panic show.

I bit my lip.  Lily had not known how bad the damage was.  They had done surgery to fix it, they just were not sure if they could repair the damage done.  I stood up and started to pace, wrapping my arms around myself.  "Dean... whatever they did to you did horrible damage to your spine.  It tore some nerves," I said, hoping that I was explaining everything okay  "You had surgergy and Lily had thought it best to induce a coma so you wouldn't do something to make the healing process worse... which is what you'd do," I pointed out, stopping and looking at my husband. I moved closer to the bed.  "So you can't feel anything?" I clarified.  I really wondered if this was as bad as what it seemed.  This would kill Dean if he was paralyzed.

I ran a hand through my hair.  "Addie... I only feel... fire or pain.  I don't even know if I'm moving my toes," I said, letting tears come to my eyes.  I looked down at the blankets and I did not see any movement.  My breathing quickened and the monitor next to me increased in its beeping, confirming that my heart was pounding in my chest.  I was going to have a panic attack.  I was not going to be able to handle this.  "It's temporary... right?" I asked, knowing that the answer was right in front of me and I did not likewhat the answer was goign to be.

I put a hand to my mouth and shook my head.  "Honey... the nerves are really bad even after the surgery," I said sadly.  It was breaking my heart to see him like this, it really was.  I was thinking that I may need to get Lily in here to talk to him.  He would probably listen better to her than to me.

I leaned back on the pillow behind my head and I put my hands over my face.  This was going to be the only time I would completely lose it... in front of Addison, anyways.  I looked back at my wife.  "Aunt Lily is my healer, I'm guessing," I inquired.  I knew that Addie would nto lie to me, but I almost preferred to hear it from my aunt.

I nodded at him.  "Your mum and dad -- really everyone -- wouldn't have it any other way," I said to him, sighing.  "Would you like me to get her?" I asked.  Obviously getting a healer had to be one, I just wished I could help his fears more than I could.

I tried to smile at my wife.  "Please," I said, also wanting to be by myself.  How was I going to handle the pity in everyone's eyes?  How was I going to face the self loathing look in the mirror every day?  I was not sure if I could.  all I needed was to see smiles... not pity.

I nodded at him, gave him a kiss, and left my husband.  I went on a hunt to find Lily.  I had to let Ember and Sirius know Dean was awake, along with his sister.  I would wait until things settled down and Dean was coping with what was going on with him before I told them they could see him, but I would still let them know what was going on.  I found his aunt and I smiled at her.  "Lily!  Dean is awake and I know you have to check on him... and he wants to talk to yuo anywyas," I told her, happy that Dean was awake and yet completely worried about him at the same time.

I watched my wife leave the room and sighed.  I wanted to keep my cool, but how could I?  Having to try to move, I sat up and tried to swing my legs over the edge of the bed.  The only thing was, I had a horrible pain on my spine and th efire in my legs intensify.  I fell back onto the pillow behind me, crying out in pain.  I grabbed a cup with water and threw it at the door.  "Son of a bitch!" I yelled, putting my hands over my face.

I had just checked up on another patient and was heading back to my desk when I spotted Addison. She was smiling, and what she said brought me a smile too. " That is wonderful that he's awake." I said as I walked over to grab Dean's folder and headed towards his room. I opened the door and stepped on a few shards left by the cup, along with the water he had in it. " Well, I guess you need another glass of water." I said as I flourished my wand and it cleaned up and went back to a cup full of water.

I closed the door and walked over to Dean, " How are you feeling?" I asked him, needed to know these things before I sat down and really explained what happened.

I had heard the door behind opened and removed my hands from my face and looked to see Aunt Lily walking in.  Of course she would be acting all calm and collected about this.  It's just what she and my mum did to keep situations under control.  It did sort of make me feel better, though.  I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.  "I'm feeling wonderful," I said sarcasm dripping from my words.  "Bloody fantastic.  I feel like I could get up and just walk around and enjoy the sunshine outside... oh wait a minute!  I can't!  Because I can't move my bloody legs!"  I took another deep breath and sighed.  "Sorry," I said, feeling a little ashamed by my outburst.  I just was not sure if I could handle this.  My kids were still extremely young.  They needed a dad who could run around and play with them.  Not someone who would be stuck in a chair pretty much immobile.  All the different things that I would be missing ran through my head and brought tears to my eyes.

I sat down and let him vent out his frustrations. " It's understandable...you know considering what could have happened try to look at it positively..." I told him. " I know it must be unbelievably difficult. But there are a few things. You need to relax, no more of that." I told him gesturing towards the door. " I will do everything in my power to make it easier. You will have to do the same. Take it easy on your bones. Let them heal. By the ultrasounds and xrays you shouldn't be as mobile as you are now in fact. " I told him. I know he is just as stubborn as his father.

I put my hand up to stop him from talking, " Not that I am saying I am giving you a free ride to do whatever ignoring any damage it may and probably do to you. I am simply saying, you need to let your body heal. We have to wait at least three months before we can actually start any physio for you." I told him knowing he was not going to be happy about it.