I know you hear me, I can taste it in your tears, holding my last breath - Fall 2018

He was matching my every move. It's like Boris took notes on my moves. Well, he moved for me again as he fell back slightly as he left his throat opened. My heart breaking as I knew what I needed to do. I'll see you again old friend.... My heart ached as I knew what I had to do. I latched onto his throat and didn't let go. I felt like I was going to be sick. I needed to get sick, why did he have to ask me to do that.... Boris moved to try to get me off. No matter what he did I was not going to move. I tightened my grip on him as he struggled against me.

I was fading; he had won.  I never thought... never thought that he would go through with it.  I felt myself lose the grip of the dog in front of me and the human within me.  

Even though there was unbearable pain and then an odd sense of numbness, I knew.  I knew that Sirius had won.  My eyes fluttered, tears blurring my vision.  I wanted to say something... all I could do was reach up and weakly squeeze the paw that was on my chest.  My head fell back against the ground, a tear escaped my eyes, and I felt myself relax into a peace I had never known.  And I was with my Chloe.

I transformed back into myself and just started to sob. I was sobbing uncontrollably hitting the ground beside me as hard as I could. " Mooney?" I asked as I expected to hear a response. " Mooney?" I didn't want to believe I had done this. " What have I done?" I asked horrified at myself. I had ended Remus' life. How could I do something like this. He was one of my best friends. I knelt over him as I hoisted him into my arms. I held him close to me, " I'm so sorry mooney..." I repeated. I looked to my friend who lay on the ground as he looked almost at zen now. " I hope your happy..." I told him quietly as I sobbed while holding onto his body. Not sure of what time it was at all.

I had been worried about Sirius and Remus when I had not gotten word back that things were okay.  I knew we were on the verge of losing our best mate.  I had Lily and Ember with me, all the while I was pacing they were completely silent.  Which never happened.  Finally it all had become too much.  We had to find them.  I went to the one spot I knew I could always find Moony when he was struggling and that was exactly where they were... but I did not like the picture I was seeing.  It felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest.  I ran ahead of the ladies and slid to my knees next to Sirius to be down on the ground with them.

A sob caught in my throat.  There was blood all over.  I put a hand on Sirius's shoulder, the other on Remus's too still of a body.  "Padfoot..." was all that I got out of my mouth before the sobs took over.  I pulled Sirius into my arms, Remus's body -- still in Sirius's arms -- was between us.  I was cradling both of them the best that I could.

I followed James and slowed to a stop when I got within a foot of something that broke my heart.  It always took a lot to get Sirius, James, Remus all to cry... and the death of one of them was something I was not entirely sure they could come back from.  I put a hand over my mouth as tears fell down my cheeks.  I slowly walked the rest of the way towards Sirius.  I knelt down beside him, putting a hand on my husband's shoulder, knowing that there was nothing else that I could do that could even begin to help ease his pain... this was Remus.  Remus and Chloe were both gone... that could not be.

I felt the group around us now as I could not stop the tears from falling. I did this and now I am feeling remorseful. Looking at my friend still in my arms, he looked at peace. He was with her now, I felt Prongs with us now too. We needed each other more than ever. Than I assumed the girls are behind us as I felt a hand on my shoulder. I could not stop the tears from falling.

I could not move.  I did not want to accept the fact that our best mate was laying there... I was unsure how long we all stayed there without saying a word.  My face was soaked by tears, and though I had no more left to fall at the moment, more would eventually come.  I had to attempt to make sense of all of this.  "We should -- we need... he can't stay out here," I said, trying to find the words.  We needed to get him somewhere before any questions were answered.  I knew I would not be able to begin to figure any of this out if Remus was not someplace else... not laying here where he died.

I looked up to James as Lily and Ember stood behind us. I didn't know what to do. I didn't feel like I would know how to stand up. The ability to do anything really. I was worried that with Remus gone....I lost me. He was our conscience, the good in us. I took him for granted, now it was to late. The battle he had been fighting since he was little. He officially lost. I didn't know what I could do. I felt helpless. I looked over to Ember with a tear stained face. Feeling like a lost little puppy. I stood up so shakily, I went to pick Remus up to help Prongs bring him somewhere. The more I tried to carry him the more I faltered. I had to lean on a nearby tree. Thankfully it was there. I looked over to my wife, again hoping I would say something. It just felt like this turned regular me off.

I took the burden of all of Remus's weight from Sirius.  It was not as much as a struggle as I would have expected -- it told me that Remus had really been struggling that he had forgotten to even take care of himself.  I was not entirely sure where we needed to go, but he could not just lay outside.  He needed to be someplace respectable.  It was only appropriate for someone as good as Remus.  Had I even apologized to him for being such a git to him since the whole incident with Lyla?  I know we had gotten back to better terms... but I did not remember ever uttering those words.  Those simple words... and now he was gone.  He had no idea how much I loved his bull-headed, kind, good-natured soul... I had not meant a word I said back then... and I never apologized for it.  If Remus had not done so years previous, I would hunt down Greyback and kill him with my bare hands for doing this to my friend.  If it were not for Boris, Remus -- even Chloe -- would still be here with us.

When I met Sirius's eyes, I barely recognized what I saw.  I moved closer to him and wrapped my arms around him tightly.  I kissed him on the cheek, trying to be of some comfort to him.  Remus was the one who was always such an old man in a teenager's body it seemed.  It fit him, though.  The struggle he had to endure every single day would wear on a person... but he was always so strong and faced each day bravely.  He was the best role model anyone could ask for... and now he was gone.  I always wondered how long any of us would last without the ones we held most dear to our heart, but I never wanted to actually see it tear us apart.  Not like this.

I pulled her closer to me as I stopped moving not sure what to do about this. I felt the sadness rush into me as if it were a brick wall. I felt all the strength I had in me to move just didn't work as I slid down the tree to the ground as I broke again with fresh tears just holding onto Ember as I cried.

We had left with James when he said he couldn't take it anymore. We followed him to the spot he knew they would be. We didn't say a word back to him. Just followed behind him, he had a gut feeling and I had no problem going with it. When James ran ahead it broke my heart to see them all so fragile. Tears came to my eyes quickly as the cried. Walking behind James rubbing his back as he cried. This was Remus, he couldn't be gone now. We had lost Chloe and now Remus. They were together, at a terrible price. I used my spare hand to wipe the tears. I couldn't believe they were both gone. Standing up as they did, staying close behind James as I wasn't sure if he would need us to take over or something. I stopped briefly as Sirius collapsed on the ground.

I went down when Sirius did, keeping my arms around him the best that I could.  It broke my heart that I could do nothing for any of them.  I rubbed between Sirius's shoulder blades as I held him, it was the only small touch I could do to even try to help him.

I was walking with Moony in my arms and I started to stagger, falling to my knees, but never dropping my best mate.  I laid him down gently, my body racked with a fresh wave of sobs.  He would know what to do right now -- where to go -- how to handle this.  But he was gone in my arms.  I heard Padfoot losing it... I needed to know what had happened; it would help me understand all of this.

I rested my hands on James' shoulders as he slumped to the ground. There was nothing that could be said to even attempt to make the situation better. Tears falling from my eyes, I wanted to make everyone better. Just knowing that us being there with them was about the only help I could give. I squeezed his shoulders tighter as I wrapped my arms around him.