Deep into that darkness peering, I long stood there... wondering, fearing, doubting -- Early Winter 1997

I nodded, standing straight up again.  "Let's get you to supper... it's about that time," I told her.  I had such mixed feelings about wanting to figure it out that it made my head spin.  Or maybe that was lack of nutrition and sleep.  It was so hard to tell anymore.

"Okay, let's get us to dinner then." I realized he maybe so out of it, he hadn't reliezed that I would make him eat. I decided it needed to be said outloud. "I'm not eating if your not." I hoped he wouldn't be mad at me but I couldn't stand to see him like this.

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair.  "Let's go," I said, not really wanting to fight or anything.  I was so tired of fighting every single thing around me -- whether it be my fate, my friends, my sister.  The only time I had felt somewhat normal was when I was with Addison... but that was over now, too.  She was back with Dean - which is really for the best.

I knew Draco was tired of fighting, I just hoped that meant I could get him to eat something easily once we got to the Great Hall. "Let's go." I agreed as I led the was out the door and down the hall. I hoped my brother would listen to me once we got there but he really wasn't acting like himself so I couldn't be sure if he would.

We made it to the Great Hall and when I entered it almost was like the entire atmosphere had shifted within.  I felt Snape's piercing gaze; Dumbledore staring at me from atop his half-moon spectacles; looks of fear from three House tables; looks of fear and some of envy from my own House table.  People seemed to avoid me the best that they could it seemed.  Or I was seeing all of this even if it were not true.  My eyes scanned the room and I saw Addie completely happy with Black again at the Gryffindor Table.  Potter was watching me with almost as much intensity it seemed as Snape - or perhaps his eyes were more on my sister.  I still squared my shoulder and held my head high, I had to continue with as much of the appearances as I could muster.  I knew I looked like hell otherwise, but no one would say a word to me, that I knew to be true.  I sat as far away from others as possible.  "I'm making this quick," I muttered to Juniper.  I could barely stand to be in there with the entire student body.  I avoided looking up at the Head table... it was hard enough to hear him speak anymore let alone to look at him.

Once we sat down, away from everyone else, I got to work. Since Draco didn't seem to be getting a plate, I filled two with our favourites and placed one in front of him, hoping he would eat. I crossed my arms and looked him over, noticing he was avoiding looking at the Head table at all costs. When, after a minute, he still hadn't touched the food I placed in front of him I said "I'm not eating if your aren't."

Why did she have to be such a pain?  I looked at the plate she had placed in front of me -- filled only with our favourites.  She truly was trying to help make me feel better.  I sighed and grabbed a fork.  We would see if I could eat anything as my stomach was constantly in knots.  I took a bite and it tasted... really rather good, actually.  Perhaps this would be what I needed:  a fresh start with Juniper by my side.  As if.  "You better be happy," I said, a slight smile playing at my lips.  Hardly anyone ever made sure to take care of me like this.

My face lit up when he didn't throw the plate at my face like I was half expecting. I took my fork and began eating as well, deciding not to only eat what my brother ate. He was eating, and for now, that was enough. "I know, your twin can be such a pain sometimes can't she? Making you eat your favourite foods." I gave a little laugh. When we were younger, we use to talk in third person to each other sometimes when we didn't want to be serious. I hoped it would bring back good memories for him like it did for me and made him feel better. I held up my glass for a toast. "To fresh starts and our own happily ever after." I said.

"Yeah, my twin is a real pain," I agreed, a half smile playing at my lips.  I found so few things to smile about these days, I may as well try to enjoy some sibling time.  I held up my glass.  "To not getting killed," I amended quietly, not wanting to say that part too loudly.  "That may be more appropriate."  Right now I could not even think of the happily ever after Juniper and I always spoke of.  I could only think of trying to get out of this situation without being murdered... something a sixteen year old should not have on their shoulders.

I smiled at the fact that he continued to talk in third person. Then he amended the toast and I had to agree. "To not getting killed." I repeated quietly. We clinked glasses, took a sip and set them down. "Are you feeling any better?" I hoped some food would help him think more clearly. I hated the fact they were making him do something like murder with the threat of killing his family. No normal sixteen year-old should have to worry about things like that. Of course, neither of us were what you would call normal anyway.

I shrugged.  "yes and no," I replied honestly.  "It is nice to get something into my stomach -- I'm not feeling so dizzy anymore.  But now it just gives my knotted stomach something to throw up... I think I preferred the dry heaving that came with all the stress rather than actually vomiting."  I know, not much for dinner conversation, but she had asked.  I looked over and saw that she had dug into her plate quite more than I had dug into mine.  I had started to just push some of the food around - something Father would have scolded me for in an instant.  Just that thought made me stop doing it.  I really should eat more... I had barely touched any of it.  Just enough to make Juniper happy, really.

I stopped eating for a moment to look up and noticed he was just pushing food around his plate. He stopped as suddenly as he started, probably thinking of Father. That's when I saw he still had quite a bit of food left. "Eat at least a bit more." I pleaded, "Part of the stress is probably lack of food and sleep." I didn't need to say what the majority of it must be. "Please?"

Apparently I had been wrong -- not enough to make my twin happy.  I sighed and started to eat some more.  I happened to take a quick scan around the Hall and was grateful that most students were in their own little worlds.  I did notice Snape's piercing gaze and I so wanted to give him a rude gesture, but I did not want to give him an excuse to get me alone.  Of course he would not give me detention, but he would want to speak to me about my task and how I was doing with it.  It drove me mental.  It really was none of his business.  I looked over at Juniper.  "I'm sorry I've been so distant... I do appreciate you force feeding me to take care of myself," I said quietly, attempting to make a joke.

I shrugged with a small smile to my brother. "It's what I do." I said, "I just hope it's helping." I sighed. "You had a good reason, I just wish you would've told me sooner. We could've figured something out. We still can." I attempted to be reassuring, for both of us. "I'm always here if you need me, you know that right?" I was sure he did but in his state I wanted to be one hundred percent. I figured he would need my help more in the coming weeks. I hoped he would ask for my help and wouldn't try to do this on his own to protect me. "I'm not the little girl I was, I can protect myself now, thanks to you." I said this all softly, even though the other students seemed to be minding their own business, we didn't need anyone eavesdropping on us.

It did seem to be helping.  If nothing else, it was making me sleepy actually having something substantial in my stomach.  But the nightmares would keep me awake as per usual.  I attempted another smile, hoping that they at least were half smiles if nothing else for her.  "I know... you're the one person I can always count on, June," I said, agreeing with her.  Everyone else in my life just tried to use me for one reason or another.  Never with Juniper, though.  I raised my eyebrows at her.  "I don't believe your twin will ever believe that, mind you.  But then again, you did have a pretty good teacher."  Speaking sort of in the third person, it was my way of showing her that I was going to end up being alright and how much I needed the little bit of help she had given me today.