Deep into that darkness peering, I long stood there... wondering, fearing, doubting -- Early Winter 1997

I feared that, too.  Even if we stayed strong and fought against wanting to be a Death Eater, they would force it upon us.  "As long as they have me, they'll keep you out of it," I said, shaking my head.  "I don't know what I'm going to do... but if I can at least lead them on long enough to figure it out, hopefully neither of us have to become one."  If only that plan would work.

"It's not fair that you have to do this alone though. We're twins, we're in this together." I took his hands in mine. "I'm going to help you." I didn't care what he said next, I would help him. I wouldn't let him do this alone. "Together, we can do anything remember?"

I squeezed her hand.  I knew she meant well, but she had no idea what she was attempting to get herself into.  "I know," I said, though I was not about to let her walk into this like she wanted to.  I would not tell her who it was that I was supposed to kill, though she had a good enough idea I suppose from what words I have used to describe him, but I would not tell her everything.  The less she knew the better for her.

"Then tell me what I can do. And don't say nothing or run away. We already ruled them out as options." I knew he was trying to protect me, not wanting me to know everything, but there was still something I could do, I was sure. "These aren't the classroom bullies your used to Draco. They don't scare that easily."

She was definitely right about that.  I was not entirely sure what she could do without putting herself in the line of fire.  "The main thing I can think of is... well, don't let me go mental," I said quietly.  I felt like I was on the verge of doing just that.

I bushed the hair out of his eyes, "Talkng to me today shows you know your limits." I began, "You need help and that's what I'm here for. It's what twins are for."

I just wanted to curl up into a ball and give up.  Let them do whatever it is they wanted and had planned... but I could not let them just do all of this and then punish my sister for my failures - our father's failures.  I looked down at the ground.  "What do you know about the vanishing cabinets?" I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.  I needed to repair the one in the Room of Requirements... the room of lost things.  That was a way for the plan to work -- for the Death Eaters.  But there was no middle ground when it came to this.  You were either with them or against them, nothing else.

"I know they can carry something or someone between places." I began, putting the pieces together. "Is that the plan?" I asked softly. "Is there in in Hogwarts?" I knew protecting me was probably the only reason my brother didn't give up and I was greatful for that. It wasn't even his fault we were in this mess, it was our Fathers. I hated that we had to keep paying for his mistakes.

I knew my sister was not stupid, but I did not want to give her a straight forward answer, so I settled for shrugging.  "I am fixing one," I said, hating myself that I was helping them find a way in so they made sure that I finished my task one way or another.  "I've killed a bird in the process..." I hated that I felt bad for killing an innocent bird.  What kind of Death Eater would I make if an innocent bird's life hurt me like this?  There was no way that I could go through with killing Dumbledore.  I already had a couple of miserably failed half-hearted attempts where I had nearly killed two other students.  I would never be able to live with myself had they actually died... let alone the intended victim.

"Why don't you show me it, maybe I can help fix it with you." I knew he probably felt guilty about the bird but that was secondary right now. I remembers that a couple of students had been injured in strange accidents and wondered if he had something to do with them in an attempt to kill his target who I suspected the identity of. I didn't want to ask about it though, knowing I would be bring up hard feelings that he didn't need right now. Besides, I didn't want to think my brother was capable of that sort of thing even though I knew he was. He was probably glad, like I was, that they hadn't died. I knew he wouldn't be able to live wit himself if he killed innocent bystanders, even by accident.

"But the longer it takes me to fix it, the longer we have," I stated.  I knew I would fail at the task.  Which meant that the Dark Lord would follow through with the punishment he had in store for us.  And if I miraculously completed the task, I would become just like them.  I would not be able to handle that, either.

"I never said we would fix it soon, I just want to see it." I assured him. I knew that either outcome would be devastating for Draco. Either I die or he becomes one of them. I could deal with the former if it meant Draco would be safe but I knew it would hurt my brother too much to bare. The latter I wouldn't let happen, no matter what. "We'll figure this out." I said but for his benefit or mine, I was no longer sure.

I sighed, running a hand through my hair.  I could show it to her.  She was always the brains behind our operations when her and I did things together.  I stood up and got a little lightheaded.  I held onto the wall for a moment.  "Alright, let's go," I said, offering her a hand to get up.  I was not sure where my bout of dizziness came from when it hit me:  when was the last time I ate something?  since I slept?  Even my closest friends -- well, if they could be called that -- were starting to notice the change in me, but they dared not say a word to me.  But I heard their whispers... My life was in a downward spiral and I had no idea if I could stop it before I hit rock bottom.

"Draco, are your okay?" I asked, noticing he seemed weaker. "What did you have for lunch?" I got up without his help since I wasn't sure he could help me up. "Do you need to eat something?" I was concerned for my brother, he needed to take care of himself if we were going to fight against everyone. "You need to keep your strength up." I hoped now that we were starting to develop a plan he would feel better about everything.

I really did not need her to worry about me, but since we were going out into the populace of the school, I needed to get myself somewhat presentable again.  I shook my head at her as I tucked my shirt back in and fixed up my tie a little bit.  "June, I'm fine," I said, dismissing her worry.  I looked over at her and knew that she would probably argue with me.  "Really, I am.  You don't need to worry so much about me."  I tried to smile reassuringly at her, but I was not sure how convincing it was.