Deep into that darkness peering, I long stood there... wondering, fearing, doubting -- Early Winter 1997

I smiled at my brother when he began talking in third person. With that, I knew we would be okay. There would be a lot to get through but it would work out, somehow. "I figured as much." I sighed, "What can I do to prove to my twin that I'm not that little girl?" I asked. I hated turning the conversation serious again but if we were going to get through this, he had to know he didn't have to worry about protecting me so much. When things would get randomly bad with Father, Draco would use our Games Night to teach me spells and curses he though would be helpful. Over the past few months, I had been practicing on my own since we didn't really have Games Night anymore. "I can protect myself for the most part and I want him to not have to worry about me as much." Of course I would still need Draco, I would always need him, but I could handle myself now, generally anyway.

I knew that Juniper could handle herself, but I was so used to being there for her to swoop in and save the day to keep her from getting hurt and to being there to wipe away the tears.  I knew I could not be the one to do that forever, I just did not want to face the fact that she did not need me anymore like she used to.  I put a hand on her arm for a moment -- and just a moment -- and squeezed it slightly.  "I know... but there are some things that I have to worry about when it comes to you, June," I said to her softly.

"I didn't say stop worrying, you just don't have to worry as much. Put some of that energy into planning." We would need a good plan to get out of this predicament we were in, if Draco was too focused on protecting me I feared he wouldn't think properly. "I'll still need you Draco, I'll always need you. But let me help and I can prove that the little girl you knew is gone for the most part." I pretended the situations were reversed, if he told me to stop worrying about him, I knew it wouldn't be possible. I just hoped I could convince him not to worry about me as much as he was use too.

A slight smile played at my lips when she said she would always need me.  It warmed my icy heart that I was developing.  I did need to start planning on exactly what to do about the precarious situation that Father had gotten me into.  "The way you want to prove that to me will not happen, Juniper," I said, looking at her intensely.  "I know you want to help.  I am grateful for insight that you can give after looking through the books in the dorm... but beyond that, this is my task and mine alone."  I did not want to make her feel worse, but I was not going to let her go down with me if I failed.

I shook my head, not at Draco but at everything going wrong in our lives. "It should be my task." I said. "I'm the one who should have to prove themselves, not you." I looked at my brother. "I'll start by looking in the books, if I can't find anything, I'll do my own research." I planed, "I won't stop until I know what's wrong with the cabinet." I assured. Then, I would convince him to let me help him more. I was learning today one step at a time seemed to work better in this situation. I would prove to him one way or another that he didn't always have to worry about me.

I laughed without any humor.  "But don't you get it, June?  I'm Father's prize possession and he wants to punish Father.  Therefore, I'm the bargaining chip," I snapped, fighting back showing any emotion.  I could not believe that it came down to bartering me like a piece of property.  I was a teenaged boy... I was his son... I should not be thought of as any sort of possession at all, but I knew to our father that was all he viewed me as.  I was to do his bidding, make sure that I kept his name the way he wanted it, keep my hands clean but in control of others so that they can do my dirty work... But look where that got him.  It got him a son who is being forced into becoming a murderer -- oh, but wait.  Father did not care about that at all!  He was a Death Eater.  He was used to torture and death, so why not force his son to join the ranks, too.  At least with all of this, it showed that Mother cared.  She was a mess -- and I had tried to be strong in front of her and other Death Eaters that I was well prepared and ready for something like this.  I had to be or else I would be punished by Father in addition to what You-Know-Who would end up doing.  

I sighed and looked at Juniper, glad that she could not hear the rant going on inside my head.  Again, I felt the need to recover from snapping at her.  "My apologies, June," I offered, falling back into the formalities that Father had drilled into my mind.

I narrowed my eyes at Draco when he apologized to me, he knew I hated when he spoke formally to me when Father wasn't around, when he didn't have to. At least he used my nick name. I softened my expression when I realized what internal dialogue must be going on in his mind. "Another perk of being the disappointment I guess."  I said sarcastically. "That just means they aren't going to be paying attention to me. If you keep them distracted, I can help fix the cabinet." I smiled at him. "They'll never know it was me." I knew my brother was worried about what they would do to me if they found out I was helping but they didn't care about me at all. They were watching Draco, not me. I could do whatever I wanted and they wouldn't know, care, or think it would be me.

I sighed, knowing that Juniper would do whatever it was that she wanted.  Now I regretted showing her the cabinet at all.  I set down my fork and stood up.  "I don't think that a wise idea, Juniper," I instructed, knowing that it was no use.  Why did I have to be weak?  I should never have broken apart like that.  It was pointless for me to have fallen apart momentarily.  I could do this.  I could figure it out.  I realized I was standing and was not entirely sure what I was planning on doing.  I decided that I had to leave... I could not just sit back down.  I just walked away without saying another word to my sister.

"Draco, wait!" I stood up as the doors closed behind my brother. I knew I had to follow him but my feet were rooted on the spot. Draco hardly ever walked away from me like that. I looked around and saw between Draco standing up and me yelling his name, everyone in the Great Hall was now looking at me. I could feel tears coming to my eyes and I forced them back for the time being. I took a deep breath and made myself not run out the door. Instead, I walked as fast as I dared, hoping he was just outside. Once I got outside the door, I found that wasn't the case. I knew I was going too far with how I was offering to help Draco, I didn't want him to regret coming to me. But I couldn't let my brother go through that alone. I hoped he could understand that. I allowed the tears to fall as I leaned against the wall next to the door and slid down. "Draco, I'm sorry." I said out loud. "I just want to help." I put my faith in the fact that he was just around one of the corners and could hear me. I didn't dare say anything else about it when I didn't know if anyone else was listening. "Please come back." I said the last sentence so softly, I wasn't sure he could hear it, no matter how close he was.

I was so tired of everything.  I gone into the boys' lavatory closest to the Great Hall and loosened my tie again.  I gazed at the reflection in the mirror and saw the pain in the young man's eyes who stared back at me.  I could not even recognize myself.  My face contorted in pain and anger as I lashed out and punched the mirror, cracking it and making my fist bleed.  The physical pain was something I welcomed to help keep my mind from any emotional anguish that I was feeling.  Why did I have to be like that to my twin?  It was Juniper after all.  I wiped at the tears that had fallen and I rinsed my hand off, cleaning it the best I could.  Having pulled out some pieces of the mirror out of my skin, my hand looked pretty banged up.  I honestly did not care.

I did not care how I appeared to anybody who was watching me.  I needed to find Juniper.  We never blew up at each other like that, let alone leaving her stranded in the Great Hall.  I had heard her shout for me as I walked away, but I was so... angry was not even the right word.  But whatever it was that I was feeling at the moment made it so I would not turn around.  I would not go back into the hall, so I hoped that she had at least left.  I left the loo and heard someone crying.  Rounding the corner I saw that it was Juniper.  I walked up to her slowly, unsure if she would want to even see me at the moment.  I glanced around quickly and saw no one really out of the Hall yet, everyone was still enjoying their supper for the time being.  I bent down in front of her and placed my hand gently on her shoulder.  "C'mon, June... let's go elsewhere to talk.  If you want," I said in a voice barely above a whisper.  I felt so ashamed for losing it on her like that.  What was going on with me?  I felt like I was losing my mind with everything going on.

I hadn't heard anyone come up so when someone put a hand on my shoulder, I jumped. When I saw it was my brother, I was relived. "Draco! You came back!" I threw my arms around his neck and burrowed my face into his shoulder, I assumed he had already made sure no one was around. "I'm sorry." I sobbed. "I just don't want you to have to do thins alone. No one should." I pulled away from him and wiped my tears away. "Sorry about your robs." I took a shaky breath and gave a half laugh. "I guess this isn't really helping the 'I'm not that littl girl anymore' story your twin has going hu? What was she thinking?" I was attempting to lighten the mood, scard my brother would run off again, and not come back.

I was startled by her hug that I nearly fell over.  I hugged her back but let her pull away when she did.  I nodded slightly, hating the fact that I had made Juniper cry.  I was supposed to the one to make her smile and to wipe away tears, not the other way around.  "Does it appear as though I've cared what my robes have looked like?" I asked, attempting to chuckle.  I put a hand on her cheek to wipe a tear that she had missed away.  I gave her a quick, light kiss on the forehead and stood up, offering her my hand to help her to her feet.  "We all have our moments... didn't your twin just have one before supper?" I told her, knowing that it might make her feel better.  "I'm sorry for that in there, June.  I've been on edge so much that I find it hard to keep myself in check."

"But my twins always been the strong one, I want to be that for him now. To prove that I can be there for him." I said as I took my brothers hand and he helped me up. We started walking away from the Great Hall when other student began coming out. "You don't have to apologize, there must be a ton of things going through your head, and that's why I want to help you." I tried to explain, hopefully better then before. "I promise to only do what you want me to if you let me help more then just by reading." I knew he was scard of what would happen if they found out I was helping but I couldn't let him do this alone. "You shouldn't have to do this alone when you have me. I know your twins not the best partner but shes all you got." I attempted to make a joke, hoping he would think it was funny as well since I knew he wasn't going to take help from anyone else. Heck, he was barly taking help for me.

Juniper was all I had, that she hit right on.  Who else could I count on to help me?  My little minions?  Heavens no... they were barely my friends -- they reminded me of followers.  Something that I wished I did not have; it reminded me too much of him.  I avoided looking up whenever I saw a student brave enough to walk past me.  I knew not many people in my own house would have done that; they were all too frightened of me now.  I cleared my throat slightly to keep composure at the thought that the only person I had I was trying to push away if only to protect her.  "We shall see," I said, attempting to keep up appearances.  I was sure no one was listening to us, but I was so used to speaking a tad more proper when other students were around, that it was more out of habit than anything else.  "As of now, reading and ideas are all I need."  I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, again to maintain composure.  "June, you're all I've ever had.  That's why...it's why I'm doing this rather than attempting to run from it," I said quietly.  If it was just me and my parents, I had thought about just leaving.  Father made this mess, he could clean it up.  But there was no way I could leave Juniper to deal with the consequences of my cowardice.

I took a deep breath and nodded, watching students pass by without looking at us, too scard to make eye contact. "I hate that they're doing this to you, to us." I said softly. Then it hit me, "I'm in this too. They're holding me for ransom pretty much, threatening to kill me." I shook my head. "They're using us to do their dirty work. You to actually do the task and me to make sure you do it." I was suprised it had taken this long for me to figure it out. "We should both just leave. Let Father deal with it all." But what about Mother, she was innocent in all of this too. A thought crossed my mind that I always tried to keep out but for some reason, it came to me now. I held my head a little higher and looked straight into my brothers eyes. "We were never going to get our happily ever after were we?"