Deep into that darkness peering, I long stood there... wondering, fearing, doubting -- Early Winter 1997

I was not entirely sure if I believed I deserved something good to happen to me, but it was something nice to think about at times like this.  "I'll just be happy if we're both okay after all of this," I told her quietly.  "I don't care about anything else."  And that was the truth.  I was doing this for my family, but mostly for my sister.  My parents did not deserve my protection; I got nothing from them unless something was wrong at school then I could tell Father.  But besides that, there was nothing.

"Me too." I nodded in agreement. I placed my head on his shoulder. If we both came out of this okay, nothing else mattered. I never wanted anything more in my life, even our Happily Ever After. I just wanted to know that Draco would be okay with whatever decision and outcome would happen. "No matter what happens, I'll support you, whatever you decide. You know that right?" I asked turning towards him. He had to know I would always be there for him, no matter what happened, or what he chose. I may not like it, but he was my brother, I owed him at least that much.

I looked at her and attempted a smile.  "Yeah, I know," I said, not entirely sure if I believed that.  Who would want to be around a murderer?  Even if the murderer had remorse over the situation?  It was not fair to ask that of Juniper.

I could tell he didn't really believe me. "Draco," I said looking in his eyes, "if you do complete this task you're killing someone to save my life. I don't know anyone else who would do that for someone like me." I knew I wasn't special or important, I didn't matter to anyone expect, apparently, the Dark Lord since he could use me. "If you can't complete this task and they end up....." I took a deep breath to finish the sentence. I hated saying it out loud and knew Draco wouldn't be happy about it either but if it was a possibility, we both had to get used to the idea. I wanted to make sure he knew I would be okay with it. "And they end up killing me, I'll understand."

I clenched my jaw and closed my eyes when she mentioned them killing her.  That was not going to happen.  I would make sure of that.  "June, I will find a way to protect you no matter what," I told her.  "I will either complete the task or find another way..."  I knew finding another way would be nearly impossible, but it would need to be done if I wanted to keep her from being harmed.

"Draco, no matter what, me dying is still an possible outcome." I said gently, "You have to accept that and we'll both have to get used to the idea." I took a shaky breath. I knew Draco would be mad but I hadn't surrendered to them yet. "I'm not saying we won't try to find other options, I'm not saying we're giving up." I assured him. "I'm only saying that them killing me is a possibility and we're going to have to learn to accept that."

"You may come to terms with that, but I never will," I told her quietly.  "And they're using that against me and I know it.  But there is no way I am going to let that happen.  Ever."  I hoped she knew that because she was not going to be killed on my watch.

"I haven't come to terms with anything." I said gently, shaking my head. "If you think I had you're sadly mistaken." I wasn't about to let them think they could walk all over us, Father did that enough. "I am going to do everything in my power to try find another solution to this. I will not go down without a fight." I didn't want Draco to become a murderer just to save my life but I knew he would never let them kill me. This was a no-win situation and I was unsure about what outcome I was hoping for. "I'm just saying it could still happen, no matter what we do."

Of course Juniper was right about this.  I sighed out of frustration.  "I know... I know.  I wish it wouldn't have to be so damned hard," I said, hitting the stone wall with my fist because of my anger and frustration.  I did not care that I split the skin open.  I needed to do something as a release.

"Hey stop that, your hurting yourself." I took his hand to examen the injury, it was bleeding but only a bit. "Here, let me fix it." I took out my wand and pointed it at his hand. "Episkey." I watched as it stopped bleeding and smiled up at brother, "Now aren't you glad your twin reads ahead over the summer?" I asked, trying to lighten the mood. I would always read as much as I could over the summer to prepare for the next year. I had gotten over my fear of loosing my magic, afraid that since I had developed it so late, I would lose it if I didn't work hard enough. I knew it was irrational but my mind worked in weird ways. Not only did reading ahead make me feel better about my magic but it prevented me from having to be around my parents that much.

<< let me know if you want me to take out the spell, I think it would work but I can edit it out if you'd like >>

<< Nope!  that's perfectly fine!  >>


I sighed, not arguing with her about fixing my hand.  I honestly did not care if I was bleeding.  I was under too much stress.  I shook my head slightly.  "Yeah, sure," I said, knowing she was just trying to lighten the mood, but now I was surly again to really help her to do so.  "This pain is nothing compared to what I've caused thus far, June.  I've already hurt people... like Katie Bell," I admitted quietly, feeling so horrible that I was finally admitting it out loud.  She was pregnant and I had no idea at the time or I would not have risked it.  I looked at Juniper.  "There are so many rumors flying around about everything... I know you still talk to them... do you know the truth of how she is?"  Of course the them I was referring to were Potter, Granger, and Weasley.  I did not know what I would do if I had harmed an innocent, unborn child.

<< alright! awesome!! >>

I sighed, so it had been Draco's past attempts to complete the task. "I do still talk to them." I admitted, not concerning myself with whether or not he would tell Father right now. I wasn't sure how he had found out but I didn't care at this point. "Katie's doing okay." I told him, "She's expected to make a full recovery. Both of them are." I looked over at him, hoping he understood the both of them I meant were her and her unborn child. I hoped that this news would make him feel a bit better, I knew he wouldn't be able to live with himself if had injured an unborn child. "That wasn't really you." I shook my head, hoping to drive my point home, "It may have been you but you were trying to save my life. You were doing what they wanted to save me." I wasn't necessarily blaming myself but Father had blamed me for most things in my life that it was almost an automatic response. Something's goes wrong, it was my fault. He had been saving me, that would be the only reason he would be willing to do those things, I was sure of it.

I was relieved to hear that.  So many things had been going through my mind.  How could I have been so stupid to do something like that?  I nodded slowly.  "Good," I said quietly.  I knew Juniper was trying to make me feel better, but the sad fact of the matter was that this was me.  It was the new me -- the me that was created by such horrible circumstances that there was no other outcome to be expected.  "Don't you dare start trying to blame yourself," I warned her gently.  I knew how Juniper thought.  She was forced to think that way basically.  Father made sure of it.  I had a choice of what to do... I was just choosing her over anyone else.  And though she was my sister and I loved her dearly, that fact still made my stomach clench because I knew what choosing her meant for everyone else involved.

I looked down at the ground, hung my head. "It's not like I really have a choice." I said softly, knowing he understood where I was coming from. I was more or less programmed this way. I looked over at him, "It's not like you really had a choice either," I pointed out. "Not when it comes to me." He would do anything to protect me, no matter how mush I tried to convince him that I didn't need him to. The truth was, I would always need him, no matter how strong I thought I was. I would never be strong enough to deal with everything on my own.

She was right.  Neither one of us ever had a choice in anything -- the way we acted, the way we thought, everything was decided for us.  Until recently anyways.  I put my hand on hers.  "I'm trying to change that," I told her quietly.  "I'm trying..."  I was not sure if I would succeed, but we needed to be able to be ourselves... and I was tired of fighting these endless battles that were really Father's.