Deep into that darkness peering, I long stood there... wondering, fearing, doubting -- Early Winter 1997

I took his hand in mine, hoping to give him some of my strength. I feared that was running thin though. "Whoever you want it to be right for." I answered, even through I knew he didn't really expect an answer but I felt like I owed it to him. He was going through so much right now and I hated that there seemed to be no right solution and that Draco would be the one to have to make it. I wiped the tears away from his face. "You'll make the right choice." I said, "I know you will."

I nodded slowly.  "You're right.  The right choice for us," I told her, the sad realization of what that would cause making me clench my jaw to attempt to hide emotions.  "The only way for me to believe in us is to fight for us.  And since I've been doing that since day one, it's nothing foreign to me."  I had to fix that cabinet.  It was something that had to be done.  My stomach was back in knots and I was not sure I was grateful for having eaten anything.  I would have to fight the nightmares that haunted me.  And I knew that if I had nightmares now of what I was going to do, it would just get worse with every single step in that direction.  But if I did not do it, those images were not much better in my head, either.

"You've been doing a great job fighting for us since day one." I knew what choice he had made when he said us. I took a deep breath. "You know I'll support whatever decision you make right? I mean I don't want you becoming a killer like them or anything but I know you want to protect us too." I didn't care if I got killed because of a decision he made. If it was my life or his conscience, I would happily take the fall. It was what Father made me do all my life, blaming me for everything we had done. I knew he wouldn't allow that to happen though. Of course, I didn't want him to have to kill anyone, but I knew where he was coming from. "I know it's hard, I can't imagine what your going through."

I took a deep, shaky breath and nodded.  "I-I can't sleep," I started out, attempting to give Juniper a bit of insight of what was going on.  "I have nightmares about every bloody outcome.  Whether I go through with the task or not... I get night terrors either way.  No matter what I'm a killer.  It's a no-win situation... but I - we - will get through it like normal."  No matter what we faced, we always found a way to get through it.

I took his hand in mine, "We've always found ways before, together." No matter what we were faced with, at school or home, we always found a way to get through it. I sighed. "Maybe we can go to Madam Pomfrey. We can just say your having trouble sleeping. Or I can make a dreamless sleep potion for you?" I wanted to help him feel better. I could steal the ingredients and brew it in the Room of Requirements if I had to. I knew no matter what decision he made, he would hardly be able to live with the consequences. I was going to make sure he was going to be okay. If he goes through with the task, I could help him through it. If he doesn't, I knew I had to start now. "Whatever decision you make, we'll get through it." I wanted to say it as much as possible, to hear it as much as possible. Maybe if we both heard it enough, we could start to believe it.

I shook my head slightly.  "I can't go to Pomfrey.  She'll mention something to the rest of the staff and Snape's already on me about everything," I said quietly.  "He promised Mum that he would help keep me safe apparently or something like that."  I shook my head.  I needed to hold it together in public no matter what.  If any of the Death Eaters even sensed that I was backing out, they would run to the Dark Lord and I would face consequences in addition to the ones already laid out for me.  I looked at Juniper.  "Just... don't get caught doing anything you're not supposed to do.  I'm sure I could talk to Snape and make sure he doesn't freak on you, but I also can't let him know you're helping me -- even if it's just to sleep."  That was my way of accepting my sister's offer.  I needed to sleep to be able to think clearly and to make rational decisions.

I smiled up at my brother, happy he was gong to let me really help him. "I can talk to him, maybe say I want extra credit or something or I want to try something else. I can ever brew it in the Room of Requirements while your working on the cabinet if I have to." Mother had made Snape promise to protect Draco, I was also happy about that too. It wouldn't just be me. "Your twin thinks that it sounds like a bit of a plan is forming, small as it may be."

I rolled my eyes at her.  "Yeah, yeah," I said, shaking my head, though feeling a bit better than I had in a long time.  "A plan that uses you as little as possible, I might add."  I was looking forward to the idea of being able to close my eyes without vivid images flashing before them.  "You'll just have to sneak into the Room of Requirement... I normally have Crabbe or Goyle as lookouts so no one interrupt me while I'm in there.  But that shouldn't be a big problem."  I did nto want to tell them to let Juniper pass all of a sudden; they would find that suspicious, even if they are extremely dense and thick-headed about things.  I did not need whispers to start about why Juniper was allowed to come in if they were not.

"That shouldn't be a problem." I agreed. I hated that I couldn't help my brother more but it seemed that, right now, this was the best way I could help. I was still planning to look at the books he had in the dorms as well. I sighed as I looked up at him. "Feeling a bit better?" I wanted to make sure we were going in the right direction, even if it felt like two steps forward, one step back. It was still progress.

I shrugged, not entirely sure how I felt.  "I guess better is a way you could put it," I said to her.  My stomach was unclenching again, so that was always a bonus.  "June... I dunno how I'm going to thank you for putting up with the ups and downs with me..."  I knew I had been all over the place today with her, for which I felt bad.  But I also knew that from here on out, it would continue and I did nto want to end up pushing my sister away.  I needed her.

"We're making progress." I said with a smile. I turned to my brother. "You don't need to apologize. Let's just get through this like we always have before, together. Or as together as we can be." I amended. I gave him a sly smile. "You're not getting rid of your twin that easily." I assured him. "A few mood swings doesn't scare her." I wanted him to know that I would always be there for him, no matter what.

I flashed her a true smile.  "It's just karma after me having to deal with your mood swings," I said, knowing that I would end up having a bruise on my shoulder from her smacking me.  That was one thing one does not joke around with, but I had to.  Besides, teasing her was my way of showing how much I appreciated her being there for me because it meant that I was acting like myself a little bit more.

I looked at my brother in mock shock and anger as I put my hands on my hips after playfully hitting him in the shoulder. Usually I would've been more upset with him about this but I wasn't today. That fact that he was teasing me meant that he was feeling more like himself which I was happy about. I finally let my lips come up in a smile as I rolled my eyes. "I'm not that bad." I protested. I wasn't really comparing myself to Draco but to anyone who had mood swings. I knew I could be a handful sometimes, but I didn't think I was too bad.

I smiled at her and kept us walking.  I did not need anyone to overhear us or anything.  I was sure there were students who would be rather nosy -- like Potter, Weasley, and Granger -- about what our argument had been about.  I knew there were students trying to figure out what it was that I was doing -- again, the 'golden trio' thought this was necessary.  Most students, though, kept their distance from me thinking I was already a Death Eater.  I let them think whatever they wanted.  Appearances did not mean that much to me nowadays.  "Whatever you have to tell yourself to sleep at night, Sis," I joked.

Some other students were coming down the hall so I followed Draco as he continued to walk. We weren't taking about anything major now but I could tell he was scard that someone would figure out what was going to happen and the topic could easily change back. I crossed my arms and gave a huff while I narrowed my eyebrows, a smile still playing at my lips. "Your twin sleeps perfectly fine, thank you very much." I remembered that Draco hadn't been sleeping well and my hands and face fell, "She also hopes to help her twin sleep better too."