Deep into that darkness peering, I long stood there... wondering, fearing, doubting -- Early Winter 1997

I looked up at him sadly, "Trying is all we could ever hope for." I said truthfully. We never really had a chance to be anything else with the lives we had but we had accepted that early on. "I guess things change from when we were younger. The more we find out, the more we realize how wrong we were as children." I sighed. I had hoped for our happily ever after but we never even have a chance with that either.

I nodded at her comment.  Too right she was, though things were not entirely wrong.  There was just so many more shades of grey than ever imaginable.  "Wouldn't it be nice if things were as black and white as Father had painted them to be?" I said, disbelief in my voice of wishing something would have been the way Father said it was.  "At least it would make everything a little easier..."

"Life was easier when we were little, it wasn't perfect, but it was easier." When we were younger we were either right or wrong. Now there was no right answer to anything anymore. "I guess that life though. Nothing is ever as white and back as it seems." I shook my head. "If only the world was like Father described it." I realized what I had said and gave a hollowed laugh, "Can you imagine that though, living in that world?"

I shuddered slightly.  "Yeah, maybe we wouldn't want the world Father described," I agreed, shaking my head.  I did ot think that would be all that great either.  "Things will hopefully get better... after all of this is finished."  I could always hope.  I knew better, though.  I was no longer a naive child.

"They will." I assured him, "Remember, something amazing will happen for you after." I smiled over at him. I had wanted to say us but I knew there might not be an us if Draco couldn't complete the task. I sighed, "We've been through so much, it will get better." I had to hope I was right because hope was all we had at this point. I knew how slim of a chance it was that I would be right though.

I turned to Juniper, tears in my eyes.  "You're going to have to make sure I believe that, June," I told her quietly.  "Then maybe I will be able to live with myself after everything... no matter what the outcome is."  I would not say that I would fail and she could be hurt, but it was a possibility.  Not a very high one, though.  I would never let something happen to her if I could help it.

I smiled over at him and took his hands in mine, my own tears coming to my eyes. "I will. I'll tell you everyday if I have to." I promised him. I was glad he said no matter the outcome, maybe he was finally admitting that I may be killed at the end of this. I knew he would still prevent if from happening if he could, but it was still a possibility. "I'll make sure you believe it."

I gave my sister a hug and kissed her forehead.  "You're probably going to have to," I assured her.  I pulled back and instinctively looked around quickly, but realized we were still alone in the bowels of the school.  "And you'll be right by my side when they do happen, too.  I'm making sure of that."

I took a shaky breath, I had been wrong. Draco still hadn't accepted that I might not be here when the amazing thing happened. I sighed, "I know you will Draco." It was true, I knew Draco would try his best to make sure I made it out of this but I wasn't sure he would be able to protect me from everything this time. "You deserve something good to happen so you'll get it." I told him. "And hopefully it'll make up for all the crap you've been through and will be going through."

I refused to think that Juniper would not be with me when things came together.  She was what I was fighting for... if I failed, then why would I continue to fight?  She would be gone.  There would be nothing left for me.  I hated that things were spiraling out of my control; I needed to be in control of this entire situation if I was going to save her and myself.  "Something good will happen... to both of us.  You deserve it more than I do.  You've had sixteen years of hell compared to my one," I pointed out to her.

I took a shaky breath and shook my head. "No." I replied simply, "Nothing good'll happen to me. The only good thing I have is you." I smiled sadly up at him. "I don't deserve anything." That was why he should just let them kill me so he didn't have to become a murderer. I shrugged "but I guess we'll see." I knew he would probably try to convince me that I did deserve it but Father made sure I knew I didn't deserve anything, I was just the disappointment. I sighed, wishing I could believe Draco. "But you'll get your own Happily Ever After. I know it." Even if it wasn't quite what we planned, since we both knew it could never really happen, I would make sure his amazing thing happened.

I wanted to reassure her, but how could I reassure her that she deserved happiness as much as I when I could not assure that she would survive until summer?  I would try to make sure she did, but the what ifs were overwhelming.  It was why I had such a hard time believing her when she said something great would happen to me.  The Malfoys deserved nothing but misery.  Really, Juniper was the only decent one out of all of us, which was why she deserved something good to happen to her.  It was just always so difficult to get her to see that.  "June... being the disappointment shows how different you are from the rest of us," I told her quietly, "so, as odd as it seems, it's probably a good thing.  You're the one who will change the way people look at the Malfoy family."  Maybe one day she could make our name stand for something good while I just tarnished it with the blood of the innocent.

"You know that's a lot of pressure for the disappointment to carry. You're twin doesn't know of she'll be able to uphold such an honour." I said, trying to lighten the mood. I sighed. "Your not bad either, you've just been given an impossible task and your trying to find the best possible outcome where as few people as possible get hurt." I tried to explain. That was another reason I though it might be best if he failed his task. I'm sure whoever it was that Draco was supposed to kill was far more important then me and their death would hurt a lot more people then mine. The only people that would be effected by my death was Draco and maybe Linc and Mother. I hated what my death would put them through, but the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. Or the one.

I hoped that she would.  "I think you can manage," I said, trying to put faith in her, but knowing I failed miserably.  I did not really blieve her that I was not bad.  What had I been doing lately?  Injuring innocent people... Bell and Weasley both.  I never thought I woudl feel badly for injuring Weasley.  I knew that we were both lost in our thoughts of what could be helped and what could not be in this scenario.  I would not let Juniper sacrifice herself.  "June... I can fix this.  I can control the outcome... I can," I tried to assure her, though my voice was shaky.

I smiled sadly up at Draco, tears starting to form again, "You've always had more faith in me then I do." That worked both ways though, we both had more faith in each other then ourselves."I know and we'll try our best to find that perfect solution." I didn't add that I wasn't sure one existed. As much as Draco tried, I didn't think he could control this as much as he hoped. He would put me first and that was when things could start to go wrong. I hated that he felt he had to put me first but a life time of doing so can't be undone in one afternoon, as much as I wished it could be. "We'll figure it out."