Deep into that darkness peering, I long stood there... wondering, fearing, doubting -- Early Winter 1997

"Of course you're the cockier of the two of us but, Draco, your my only ego-boost." I gave a shrug and a small smile in his direction. "Mother and Father never cared how I felt, and I leaned to accept that, but you have always been there, always made me feel better about myself." I smiled at him again. I didn't care what out parents thought about me but Draco always made sure I knew that I was wanted, that I was good enough. I needed that.

I smiled slightly at her.  "Well, they just don't see the diamond you truly are, June," I assured her.  "The sad thing is, not many people do because Father makes it a point to say you're barely a Malfoy.  But, in my opinion, that's a good thing."  I put a hand on her shoulder comfortingly as we walked.  I left it there for a moment before letting it fall back to my side.

"Yeah, Father probably prefers to use the word coal but thank you Draco." I sighed as he put his hand on my shoulder. "This is what I mean, you always know the right things to say to make me feel like I'm worth it." I turned towards him with a smile. "For that, I am extremely thankful. I don't know what I would do without you." It was true, I would probably be in a very bad place I didn't really want to think about if I didn't have Draco to remind me that I deserved to be here. "It's a good thing?"

I nodded at her.  "You know your friends are actually true to you and not your name that way," I said quietly.  "Crabbe and Goyle just like the Malfoy name.  Their dads follow Father around just like they follow me around.  It's the way that goes.  Really, I think Blaise is one of my true friends, but even then... as of late, I don't really have anyone anymore.  Which is for the best, I know, that way they don't get caught up in what I have to do."  I had not wanted to be a downer again, but I was speaking the truth.

"I guess." I replied, still unsure. I knew what he meant though. My friends didn't care about my last name, and neither did I. If someone was nice to me, I would be nice to them. "Blaise is a true friend." I agreed. I knew he didn't want anyone else getting anyone else involved and was happy they had grown a bit distance. He didn't really wanted me involved but I had forced myself. "Crabbe, Goyle and their Fathers are sort of weird. I mean, besides misery and pain, what else comes with the Malfoy name?"

"Reputation, a bit of power, and fear," I said simply.  The fear was just as of late, but that all came with the name.  "That's what the outside world gets... we get the pain and misery."  Often being by myself these days left me to think about all of this -- which was never a good thing.  I was coming to understand things much more than I used to, though it did not mean I liked any of it any better.

"The outside world gets more with our name then we do." I said with a hollowed laugh. I always tried not to think about things like this, it made me understand everything clearer and most of the time, I didn't like it. I never really had but this was just the icing on top of the cake. I looked over at my brother, "Is this how it's supposed to be?" Of course I knew the answer, I just wanted Draco to confirm it.

I sighed, shaking my head, and leaned against the stone wall for a moment.  "No," I said simply.  "It should be like... well, as much as I really truly hate to say it, the Weasleys."  My God, if Father heard me say that... I shuddered involuntarily.  "They all actually care for each other.  It shouldn't be this difficult... we shouldn't have to hide who we are."  I was sure that she was definitely going to say something about my comparison.  To be honest, the twins were actually funny, but I could never let them know that.

I gave a laugh, "My brother, the great Draco Malfoy, is saying the Weasley's are better the us? I never thought I see the day." I teased slightly. I nodded through, Ron's family did care about each other, not there name or any reputation they had to uphold. They didn't have very much money but always seemed happy. "They are the perfect family aren't they?"

I nodded.  "I'd rather nto have to repeat it though.  I think I may have vomited in my mouth a little bit," I said, knowing that I would never had said that even so little as a month ago.  But with all of the thinking I had been doing about my own family... the more perfect theirs seemed to be.  The Weasleys of all people...

I gave a laugh, "I'm appreciated the vomit staying in your mouth." I said with a smile towards my brother. I could only imagine how much his mind was changing with what he had to do. This just proved it. I realized that we both had. I sighed, "We've change so much, neither of us are the children we once were."

"Wait a minute," I said, feigning some shock.  "We were children?"  I rolled my eyes and shook my head.  "I don't think I have ever felt this much weight on my shoulders, though, to do anything before.  At least when things changed before, it was never like this... it never gone this far..."

I gave a hollowed laugh, "No, we were never children, but we still changed so much." I thought of then and now and hardly recognized the people who would look back at us in the mirror.

I nodded in agreement, "Never this far but, when you think about it, didn't we always suspect something like this would happen someday? I mean, I didn't think it would when we were still in school but, hadn't we really expected this?" Maybe not this exact task per say, but something to prove to the Dark Lord that we were on his side. I shuddered at the thought. I would never be on his side.

"It was inevitable," I agreed sadly.  We were never given a choice in the matter.  We were being wrapped up in this matter due to Father no matter what we wanted.  It was something that I had hoped that would not come to rise so soon... but here we were.  Having to make decisions about things that no one -- no matter their age -- should have to make.  "I just never expected it to be murder, though."  Maybe that was naive of me to think that way, but I never thought that he would push me to murder someone -- especially someone as great as Dumbledore -- to prove myself to the Dark Lord.

I sighed and nodded, "Me either, I mean, can you say dramatic enough?" I tried to make a joke but knew my brother probably wouldn't laugh. Our whole lives had been laid before us, we never had any choice in any matters, so why was this such a shock to us? "It's not like we've ever had choices before but why does this feel so different?" Of course I knew why, the horrible outcome no matter what Draco did was what made this far worse then anything we were forced to do before. I couldn't say that out loud, it would make this all real for me.