Deep into that darkness peering, I long stood there... wondering, fearing, doubting -- Early Winter 1997

I could hear the doubt in her voice, but decided to ignore it the best that I could.  I needed to believe that we would figure it out and everything would work out.  It was the only way I was managing was thinking I was in control and everything would work according to plan.  Of course, I was anything but in control of this situation, but I tried not to think of that.  "I know... but that's how our support system works," I pointed out to her, knowing that she understood completely.  "We will do it... we'll figure it out."  I had to say it myself to try to lessen my own doubts.

I nodded, knowing exactly what he meant. We relied on each other, to make sure we knew who we really were. "It is how our system works." I agreed. What would I do without him? I wouldn't be the person I was today without my brother. "We will figure it out, we alway have before." I nodded, agreeing with myself, hoping that I could convince him. "We'll make it through, no matter what." I tried to believe it but I knew I might not be around in a few months. I hoped Draco would be okay without me. He was always the strong one.

I looked at her and tried not to think about the fact that I may fail at protecting her.  "With that said, please... believe in me that I'll get us both through this.  I'm not going to lose you nor the other way around," I told her, knowing that she would probably think that I would offer myself.  The thought crossed my mind, but after today... I knew there was no way I could do that and leave Juniper to take the fall for everything.  That was too selfish on my part.

I had to admit, I was thinking of offering myself so Draco didn't have to do this task but I knew it wouldn't work. I also knew he was probably thinking along the same lines. I nodded, "I do believe you." I knew Draco would do whatever he could to make sure we both got out of this. I sighed, hating what I was about to say. "Let's make a pact." I said slowly, working it out in my mind, "we won't offer ourselves to them. If they kill me because you can't finish the task, that's different. I promise not to offer myself to them though, as long as you do the same."

I felt myself shudder involuntarily when she said that.  They were not going to kill her.  No matter what I would make sure of at least that.  "If I would have thought that would fix everything, I would not be standing before you," I told her honestly.  "I knew that if I did that... well, you would not be any safer."  To be honest, I would think that Father would let them kill her anyways if I was not around because his pride and joy was gone, so what did he want the disappointment around for?  That was just hte way that our Father worked.

I nodded, figuring that he would've already though of and dismissed that plan. "I don' think I would be here either if you'd have done that." I was pretty sure Draco was thinking along the same line. If he would've offered himself, Father may have let them kill me anyway, if he can't have the perfect son, why keep the disappointment of a daughter. They would've either killed me right away or after I completed Draco's task. I shook my head to clear it. "Draco, we're both still here though, and we still have time to make a plan."

"I know," I replied to her quietly, though I was sure she knew that was the only reason that really, truly stopped me from doing that.  Only she would miss me -- truly miss me like someone who was gone should be missed.  And that was why I could not do that.  It was too selfish.  I would end up killing Juniper anyways and that was something I was trying to prevent from happening.  "For now..." I muttered, then I sighed.  "You realize you''ll have to be even more careful now... try not to wander anywhere alone.  Though they clearly wouldn't know you're helping, but still..."

I put my hand on his. "We still have time and we still have each other." I repeated, "even if it only is for now." If Draco didn't complete this task and they did kill me, I was going to make for now count for as much as I could. I sighed at his next comment though. I started thinking he may be taking it a bit too far now, but I wasn't going to say that to him. "I will be more careful." I promised. "But you have to be more careful as well and you're right, they'll never know I'm helping. Only you and I know that and, as we also both know, we're good at keeping secrets."

I looked at her and nodded; we were both extremely well at hiding secrets.  It came as second nature to us, really.  But not from each other, typically.  I knew that look, though, in her eyes.  Our minds were set on a couple of different things for what we both meant by what we were saying.  She was resigning herself to the fact that she may end up dying, and I was resigning myself to the fact that I was going to have to succeed with the task -- whether either one of us wanted to admit that or not.  "Even though I feel like that's a promise that you don't think you'll need to keep, thank you," I said to her, trying to let her know I could still read her.

I rolled my eyes slightly. Of course Draco would be able to read my looks, we knew each other almost as well as we knew ourselves. "It's not that I don't think I'll need to keep it," I began to explain with a sigh, "it's just, they can't kill me yet. They can't kill me until you haven't done the task. It they want you to finish this task, they can't hurt me." Of course, if they wanted to hurt me they easily could. If Draco wasn't finishing the task as quickly as they wanted, they could hurt me if they chose. I figured I didn't need to say that out loud though, Draco had probably already thought about it. "You need to be careful as well. You can't just be worried about me."

I sighed, wishing tha she was right about them not being able to hurt her.  They just could not kill her; there was a lot they could still do to her short of death.  I looked over at her when she said I needed to be careful.  "That could be said for me, too.  If they want this task done... they won't hurt or kill me, either," I pointed out, though I felt my stomach knot up.  There was far worse than physical pain that they could do to me and they knew that.  Sometimes I wondered if Father only kept Juniper around to use her as collateral to make sure I did as he wanted -- which that thought sickened me.

"You and I both know it's not you they would hurt." I said softly with a shaky breath, hating to admit it out loud. They would use me to get to Draco, just like they were doing now. And it would work. "You still have to be careful." Maybe not so much about where he went but about how far he would take this. I shook my head, I was not worth all the worry Draco was putting into this, he was the one that mattered. When I saw his face pale slightly, I tilted my head a bit. "What are you thinking about?" I knew it probably had something to do with me and I wanted to try to distract my brother from whatever it was if I could.

I shook my head, sighing.  "the inevitable," I said, only partially lying.  I would not dare to speak a word of my suspicions about what Father thought of Juniper to my sister; she knew he hated her... but I would not be the one to tell her the only reason I believed Father did not do something about her with that hatred.  She was the only bargaining chip he had to make me do his bidding and he knew that.  He probably figured that would happen on the day we were born.  And he told them all... I knew the Death Eaters knew it.  And that was why I would have to go through with the task.  They knew it would work - this mental warfare they were playing at.  Sadly, I was falling right into their hands.  But what else could I do?  I would not let them hurt her.

I could see Draco was thinking about something, it was either me or Father or both of us by the expression he wore. It got me thinking about Father and I as well. I had thought that Father would get rid of me when I was younger, he hated me so much. I was starting to think that the only think I did right in Father's eyes was to make Draco care enough about me that he would do anything Father wanted, as long as the threat was my safety, well being or life. I shook my head, frustrated with everything. "I'm done being a pawn in their game." I told Draco, "I'm finished with them using me against you." I hated that they used me to make Draco do what they wanted. I wished there was a way I could get out of this so Draco didn't have to worry about me but I came up blank. Draco needed me right now, I couldn't leave him. I had promised him that I wouldn't.

"It will all be over with by the end of this year, one way or another," I said quietly.  "Then we're done..."  I hoped.  I knew better than to believe it, but I had to at least attempt to believe in that or else there was no way I could make it through.  However, there was no way I was not going to make it htrough, either.  Juniper needed me to.  If it were just me, then I would have finished it one way or another when they first gave me this task.