Deep into that darkness peering, I long stood there... wondering, fearing, doubting -- Early Winter 1997

I knew all she ever wanted was her happily ever after.  Even when we spoke of it before, I knew it would never happen.  But it had been fun to be naive and to imagine the possibilities.  With her looking into my blue eyes I could not hide the truth from her.  "Never," I admitted sadly, not wanting to break her spirits completely, but knowing that sometimes one had to face the reality before them -- and admittedly, ours was depressing to say the least.  "And that's why I don't want you to get your hands dirty with this... they're using you enough as it is.  You should not have to deal with the blood on your hands like I will have."  I was speaking barely above a whisper so others could not hear me.  I knew there were curious ears around, but I made sure that it was just Juniper who heard me say the last sentence at the very least.

I stopped walking, closed my eyes and took a sharp intake of breath, then slowly let it out. Happily ever after had gotten me through a lot of stuff since Draco and I invented it all those years ago. I knew that what ever happened, Draco and I would be together, could be ourselves withouth Mother and Father, as soon as we graduated. In my heart of hearts though, I knew from the beginning that our happily ever after would never happen. But I was a naive little girl and thought that maybe if I wanted it enough, was nice enough, good enough, believed in it enough, it would somehow happen. Now that my brother had said it out loud, I knew that wasn't true. "I guess it doesn't matter how much you want something, how nice you are, how much you believe in something, if it was never going to happen, it was never going to happen." I opened my eyes as I looked at my brother and gave a hollowed laugh, "We should have really called it happily never after." I attempted to make a joke, to show him I was okay. I turned serious at the next topic and spoke just loud enough for my brother to hear me.. "If we figure out a plan, neither of us may have to get blood on our hands." I said. "Can you at least let me help with that, forming a plan to not get blood on our hands?"

I hated to see the one thing that was a bright spot on her horizon get blotted out.  I knew that helped her so much... and I just took it away from her.  "I'm sorry June... I know how much that meant to you," I said gently.  of course it meant a lot to me, too.  I had just come to the realization that it was never going to happen sooner than she.  Again, I had been trying to protect her by pretending it could happen.  Now I realize it may have been kinder to tell her the truth before now.  I ran a hand through my hair.  "We can try to think of something else," I said to her quietly, "but in the end... I fear no matter what someone will die.  My actions will just decide who it will be."  I set my jaw slightly, determined that it will not be Juniper.  I would give my own life to make sure that she was not harmed in any of this.

"I've known for a while but I was stupid and thought that maybe if I believed in it enough someone would say 'look, they deserve a break. They're good people. I'll let them have this one thing.'" I sighed, "but it was never meant to be I guess." I looked over and took in his set jaw. I narrowed my eyes slightly. "I know that face. That's the, 'I'll do anything to protect my sister include dieing' face."  I shook my head, speaking quietly "I won't let you do that." I said firmly. "What kind of life do you think I would have here if you died?" I kept shaking my head, hoping to prove my point and distract myself from happily never after. "You want to die to protect me but you won't let me think of doing the same for you?"

I put an arm around her while we walked and squeezed her in a sideways hug for a moment.  "Maybe one day still someone may say we deserve a break.  One never does know," I pointed out, attempting to make her feel better.  I gave her a sideways glance.  "I have a look that says that?" I sometimes forgot that Juniper could read me better than I could read myself.  The way she put it, I knew she was right.  Dying to protect her would only cause her more pain than she ever deserved.  To be honest, that would almost be the cowardly way out of everything.  It would be me leaving her here to deal with the mess that Father left for us.

I rolled my eyes at my brother, "I highly doubt that'll happen." I said with a humourless laugh, "Things like that don't happen to us right?" I looked at him and nodded. "Yes, yes you do have a look like that, one you wear far to offer for my taste." I said, attempting to put a bit of humour in my voice. I was hoping he was starting to understand where I was coming from on the 'dying to protect me' front.

I sighed and shook my head.  "I know... it was a lame attempt to make you feel better," I said, adding to the humorless laugh she gave.  "Looks like I'll either have to change my thinking or disguise my looks better," I added, doing the same thing she was.  We were both trying to hard to make each other feel better by adding humor, and it just was not working that well.  But I was at least starting to see past my point of protection and seeing her point of view on everything.  If I left her, she would be alone.  I could not do that for her.  So I would protect her no matter what the cost -- short of dying.

"You did make me feel a bit better, I'm just not going to hold my breath for that day to come." I smiled at him, hoping I looked a bit better then I felt. I gave a little laugh, "Your twin votes change your way of thinking, just so you know." I informed him. I hoped speaking in third person would help both of us out of the slump we seemed to have created for ourselves. "Your twin would still be able to tell."

I sighed and shook my head.  "I just want to figure out why it has to be us," I said quietly, looking down as I spoke.  I was not entirely sure if I ever could figure out the answer to that question, but I almost felt like I needed to before I could even accomplish this task.

I sighed, clearly Draco wasn't into lighter conversation. I turned to look at him, "I've been asking myself that since we were born." I began, "Maybe someone thinks we're stronger they we do. They think we can handle what's coming." I sighed again, taking my brothers hand and squeezing it quickly before letting go. "I don't know why we were put in this situation, in this family, but maybe after all this is done, we'll figure it out." I was sure Draco knew I was just trying to put words together that somewhat worked in the situation but I didn't know that answer either. I wish I did.

"I feel like we're two hearts that the world forgot," I stated sadly.  It was true, though.  I felt like we were left behind in some magnitude of happiness that every other soul was allowed to have... and then there we were.  That was why there was jealousy and hatred burning inside of me when I looked upon other students.  It was where all the teasing and pranks stemmed from.  It was why I was almost thinking about going through with this task and never looking back.  If I did not have Juniper -- or even Blaise before the school year started -- to ground me, I know that I would not be where I was right then in such moral turmoil.

"Maybe there's a force field around us. If anything remotely happy happens, it gets repelled and makes it worse for us." I knew that was why Draco acted the way he did, not only to please our Father but from jealousy because we could never be like everyone else. "We were never meant to be happy. We were never meant to be like everyone else." I looked at him. "This doesn't change anything though. We'll find a way to get out of this."

Running a hand through my hair, I sighed.  "But what's the point, Juniper?  We're never going to win because it doesn't change anything.  Everything we know, doesn't change a damn thing.  What we want?  Doesn't matter.  We're caught between good versus evil.  The Dark Lord versus the Chosen One.  And we're being dragged under and does anyone care?  Not a damned soul.  If they did, we wouldn't be where we are right now," I said, my voice rising slightly with my anger.  I was just fed up with the way we were treated.  I had started to pace because I could not just stand still by any means.  "We can continue to tell ourselves that we'll save each other and that we won't let the other one fall... we'll keep each other standing.  But June, we're both already on our knees with no way to get back up."

"I care." I started simply. "You care. I know you do." I sighed, unsure of how to continue. The only thing I knew was that Draco sounded like he was starting to give up and he was the only thing keeping me in this. "We both care and maybe that's all that matters. It may not change anything but I have to believe that there's something that'll make it all worth it. It won't be our happily ever after but it'll be something." I put my hands on his shoulders to make him stop pacing. "Yes Draco, we are caught in the middle but we still have a chance to do the right thing. That's why you won't fix the vanishing cabinet, your waiting to figure out a way to do the right thing." I sighed once again, "If your looking for something to believe in, believe in us. That's what I believe in, and it's never let me down before."

I could find a way to believe in her and I.  Tears sprung to my eyes as I looked into her blue ones.  "The right thing for who?" I stated, not really expecting an answer from her, but just a muse I had to say.  The right thing in general was not to kill anybody.  But the right thing for me and June was to get out - the only way to get out, I feared, was to get away from Father at all costs... which would most likely be his life because he would nto let us go easily.  The right thing for the entire family was to kill Dumbledore.  The right thing for the Order would be to let Dumbledore live and let my family die.  It was all too much.  I could not take it much longer.  I knew I could not.