The bitterness of one who's left alone -- January 1999

Well, that did not necessarily help clear things up, but I was glad he let me go without asking me too much.  I sighed and looked over at Maisie. I could see her concern even as she spoke to her friends.  He was right; I needed to talk about this to someone.  I walked back over to the Hufflepuff table and sat down next to Maisie.  "Hey... I would like to talk when you get a chance," I said quietly, nearly forcing hte words out.  How could I even do this?  I did not talk to anyone about what was going on in my mind.

I was so surprised by Evan coming over and sitting down with me.  I dropped my fork almost instantly and looked at him.  "Come on," I said, standing up.  There was no way I was going to let him start talking with so many ears around us.  "Here, follow me," I added when he hesitated.  We got to a clear corridor and I stopped to look at him again.  "Evan, I figured that you wouldn't want to deal with prying ears..."  I was not entirely sure what all he was going to confide in me, but I prepared myself for anything.

I was grateful for her leading me to go elsewhere to even begin to talk.  But I had no clue as to where to start.  "James killed Peter," I said bluntly.  "You know James is my real dad... Peter raised me... but that's as simple as I can get about any sort of explanation.."  But I knew that it went without saying that things were quite complicated in my life.

I gasped and put a hand over my mouth.  I wanted to reach out to comfort Evan, but figured that he would not appreciate that.  Of course the entire story would be complicated, this was Evan Potter I was speaking to.  I bit my lip.  "Evan, I'm sorry," I said, unsure if that was even the right thing to say to him.

I shrugged, not entirely sure how else she would respond.  "I don't know exactly how I feel about it," I said simply.  There was no other way fo rme to say that.  I was torn, but I still had no idea what to think about it.  Especially after finding out what I have about my own mind.

I put my hand on his knee, hoping that it was okay.  He was sometimes iffy about any sort of niceness coming from others.  It was as if he was not used to it.  "Maybe talk more about it?  It might help you sort out your feelings... I'll keep my opinions to myself so you can just vent," I suggested to him, wanting to be helpful.

I was surprisingly comforted by Maisie's touch.  I sighed and looked at her.  "I just don't even know what to say or where to begin when it comes to any of this," I admitted to her honestly.  "Everything I knew... it's just... so different from what is real.  Or is it?  What in my head is really what happened to me or what all did Peter modify?"  I was surprised to hear some fear in my voice as I spoke.  I had no idea what was reality and what was not.  And that really did, truly scare me.

I felt horrible for Evan; he was so lost.  How was I even supposed to help him?  I sighed.  "Is there anybody who can see what memories are real or not?  Like... breaking into your mind to see what's really going on in there?" I asked, trying to find a way that would be good for Evan to know what was going on in his own mind.

"I don't know," I said, my voice shaking slightly.  And that really scared me.  How could I sort through anythign if I did not know what was real and what was fake?  I looked over at Maisie.  "Professor Lupin says that perhaps a therapist might help... but I'm not sure.  I just don't know what to do anymore."

I sighed and looked at him.  "I do think that it is a good idea," I said to him softly.  "I mean... professional help may be what you need, Evan."

I could not bear to look at Maisie when she said that.  I did not want to see her looking at me like I was mental or something.  "I know... but I'm... well, I'm scared what might be uncovered," I said in a voice barely above a whisper.

I squeezed his knee and looked at him.  "Evan," I said softly.  "The truth is worth it,t hough, isn't it?"

I sighed, running a hand through my red hair.  "I guess," I said to her, not entirely sure.  "I mean... what if the truth is worse than what's already put into my mind?"

I bit my lip slightly.  "But you deserve to know," I said to him honestly.  "No matter what it is... good or bad, don't you?"  After everything Evan had gone through with Peter, his parents, Ginny, and Harry...

I sighed and looked over at Maisie.  "I don't deserve anything," I said to her, looking away.