Lights will guide you home -- January 1999

I sat in the living room waiting for the social services to come to drop off our new child to raise.  My eyes still watered when I thought about why we were getting Benjamin.  And it still bothered me when I thought of how long it had taken for social services to agree to let us keep him here with us.  And then we would continue to have them check in on us for up to six months before he was officially ours.  I looked over at my husband who had our little boy. "Perce... I am so nervous," I said.  I had never expected us to have to keep our promise of being his next guardians... we thought it may just be a title of godparents.

I leaned over and gave Penny a kiss on her cheek.  "It'll be okay... he's coming home," I told her.  I knew that this was difficult for her because it was hard for me.  I could nto believe that Oliver -- one of my few true friends in school -- was gone.  And Katie, ho was a few years younger... she had so much to live for with a one year old child... that was now our responsibility.

I stood up and started to pace.  I stopped when there was a knock on the door.  "Do you want me to take Parker?" I asked, knowing Percy was closer to Oliver and Katie and may appreciate holding their little boy.

I nodded and handed our son to Penny.  I went to the doorway and opened it.  Tears nearly came to my eyes when I saw Benjamin Harvey Wood.  I was relieved when teh social worker let me take Ben into my arms.  I welcomed her into our home as I fought tears.  Ben looked so much like my best mate...

I stood up and readjusted Parker on my hip.  I offered my hand.  "Hello," I said.  "Would you lie me to get you anything?  Water?  TEa?" I was so nervous about this.  I hated the way we had to go through all of this just to make sure Ben was in good hands.  Clearly we were good people, right?  Oliver and Katie chose us and we had a healthy son of our own.

The social worker declined graciously.  "No, thank you," she said.  "How about we get started?"

We all sat down adn I thougth that the social worker seemed to be not so likable.  I really wished she would be a bit warmer.  I was glad that Ben was now with us for a home filled with love and kindness.  As she explained to us the process of everything, I felt like it would be simple for me and Penny to achieve.  We thanked the social worker as she left.  I looked down at Benjamin and Parker in Penny's arms.  "Are you boys hungry?" I asked them as if they could answer me.

I smiled at Percy and we went to the kitchen where we only had one high chair.  We did have two beds -- Molly had given us an old crib from one of the boys when we found out that we were going to gain guardianship of Benjamin.  We would need to get more things for him, but that would have to wait for a little bit.  I put Parker in the highchair and looked at Perc.  "Well... looks like we still have quite a few things to buy," I said, getting the food out of the fridge for the two boys.  Parker was to the point of trying ot feed himself.  I gave a helping to Percy to help Ben eat.  We were not quite sure where he was developmentally.

Parker started babbling pointlessly.  I heard him say mama, dada, and yum.  Those were really the only words he could truly say.

I let Ben feed himself when he took the spoon from me and threw it to the floor.  "Well, looks like Ben can feed himself," I said, chuckling.  I knew that they were only a month apart, but kids develops differently.  I looked at Penny.  "What are we going to do to handle two young toddlers?" I asked her.

I poured some milk into sippy cups for the boys.  "We'll manage," I said.  "They'll have so much fun growing up together."  This may decide if we have another child of our own.  We only wanted two.

I laughed.  "That they will," I agreed.  And I knew we could manage two kids.  There was no way we would not.  Ben need us just like Parker did.  "I do have a quesiton, though, Pen," I said to her.  "How will we handle when Ben starts talking?  Last I spoke to Oliver, he knew Mumma and that was it."  He had to realize we were not his parents to some degree anyways.

I did not want Ben not to know his parents.  "We'll be his auntie and uncle," I said slowly.  "That way with pictures and stories, he'll know his parents."  This was such a horrible situation to decide upon.

I nodded, sure that we would be on the sam epage.  "Oliver's parents sent us an owl telling us anything we need them to let us have for Ben we can get.  I think we'll need to go there for all of Ben's things plus a few things for him of Oliver and Katie," I said to Penny.  It was hard to discuss this, but it needed to be done.  We cleaned the boys up a little bit when they were finished eating.  Ben yawned in my arms.

I smiled and looked at Percy.  "I belive it's naptime," I said.  We walked up tot he nursery and laid the boys in their cribs.  I atched them fall asleep while Percy cleaned up the kitchen.  I left the room, making sure the monitors were on, and found Percy.  I sat on the couch next to him.  "This will be so hard for a little while.  Ben looks so much like Oliver and Katie..." I had tears in my eyes just hinking that.

I put an arm around Penelope, kissing her cheek.  "I know, babe," I said quietly.  "But just think that he's how Oliver and Katie will live on."  It was still hard to think they were gone.  I was not sure how we were going to do this, but we would take it day by day.