The bitterness of one who's left alone -- Summer 1992

How could I do that to Mum?  The look on her face calmed me down. "Sorry," I said honestly.  "Cn I go back to the Lupins?"  Whenever i was home, I hurt Mum.  It was better for me to control my temper when I was not here in the house of the man who left us.

I wanted him to stay, but did not want an argument.  I nodded, at least his apology was sincere.  "Be home for dinner please," I added, watching him walk towards the living room so he could Floo over to Remus and Hloe's.

LATER THAT AFTERNOON....

I could not believe what Dean had said.  Was I really doing something wrong?  Jeremy and I just spoke with each other, grabbed a bite to eat here and there... nothing else.  Never anything else.  We would hug goodbye, but I did that with Remus.  I had gotten word from Jeremy that he wanted to check in on how things were after Dean's little outburst.  I told him to come over and was sitting in the living room with a bit of a drink, waiting for Jeremy to Floo over.  With a whoosh, he was standing in the fireplace, stepping out of the green flames.

I stood up and brushed the ash off of him.  I smiled at him.  "Sorry again for earlier, Jere," I said to him lightly.  I did not want him to think that I let Dean get away with anything.  We sat down on the couch and I poured him a drink.  We both sat down and drank a bit in silence.  I looked at Jeremy.  "Sometimes I don't know what gets into them."  I knew Elena had a stubborn mind as well.

When Ember invited me back over after I asked if things were okay, I knew that I had to confess to her how I felt.  We had been getting close again and I was falling for her again.  I had loved her when we were younger and I knew that she had felt the same back then, she just got scared.  I thanked her for the drink and we sat there until she started to speak again.

"Ems, it's okay, really," I said to her, putting a hand on her knee.  "I can't say that they're entirely wrong, though.  I mean... there is some truth behind what they may have been seeing."  I wanted to be honest and it was hard.  I knew that she was still married; she had to feel what I was, though.  Or why would she be letting me keep my hand on her knee like this?

I squeezed her leg slightly and put my drink down.  "I've been feeling some things... and I can't ignore them.  I know things may get complicated at first, but Ems..."  Instead of speaking, I put my hand beneath her chin and gently made her look at me.  I leaned forward and, without any hesitation, I kissed her.  She was sitting a bit rigidly at first, but then it almost seemed like she wanted to do this... and was only scared or something.  But as soon as I made more of a move about making the kiss deeper, I felt her pulling away from me.  And that was when we heard a noise.

His hand on my leg was almost electrifying.  It had been so long since anyone has stared at me the way Jeremy was looking into my eyes; since anyone's touch lingered more than just the friendly hug or handshake.  I felt my throat go dry and I felt nervous.  What was he saying?  then his touch was beneath my chin and his lips against mine.  My eyes closed and I felt tears welling up in them.  It felt so good to be wanted; to have someone near me that wanted to put me first.  I started to lean into the kiss and then a tear slid down my cheek and it snapped me back to reality.  This was not Sirius.  This was not love that was tugging at my heart -- it was loneliness.  I started to pull away and I heard footsteps and then a voice.  The voice that belonged to my daughter.

I could not believe the sight before me, " What are you doing?!" I almost screeched. I could not believe this Mr. Taylor and my mother. " You cheated on him!" I ran off towards my room as I yelled down " I HATE YOU!"

Subtlety was never Elena's strong suit.  I quickly wiped away the tear that had fell and stood up quickly.  I looked at Jeremy.  "Leave.  Now," I said to him, my eyes hopefully showing the anger I had towards him.  how dare he try that!  Okay, yes, I fell for it for a moment.  A moment.  Then I snapped back to reality.  I did not want Jeremy; I wanted Sirius.  Loneliness was my enemy and Jeremy took advantage of that.

I went after Elena with as much dignity as I could have. "Lenni, let me speak with you," I said calmly, making my way to her room.

" DO NOT OPEN MY DOOR!" I yelled through the door. " I do not want to see you at all!" I shouted. I couldn't believe her. I was right and the proof happened right in front of me. I had to tell my brother, I did not want to see my mother nor max's stupid father! I paced back and forth. I had tears in my eyes. " LEAVE ME ALONE!"

I would respect her wishes and not open the door.  I sighed.  "If you would have used your eyes, Elena, I was pushing him away," I explained to her, digging deep for patience.  I did not need any of this right now!  I just dealt with my twelve-year-old son accusing me of things this morning!  I was done even speaking to Jeremy.  How dare he put me in such a situation!  And it was not like I could explain my feelings to my children; they were too young to understand any of that aspect.

I just had to try to convince her somehow that I really was trying to push him away.  Did it happen straight away?  No.  Should it have?  Definitely.  And i would have to deal with that guilt later; right now, I had to deal wiht my daughter.

I used my eyes, " I used my eyes! I saw you and mr. taylor! I am not blind!" I yelled over the door. " you hurt dad! " I yelled, I couldn't believe this. " IS HE COMING OVER AGAIN?" I asked I did not want him to be here. I wanted to go to Uncle Remus and Aunt Chloe's. " I WANT TO GO SEE LUCY!"

"You only saw what you wanted to see, Lenni," I snapped at my daughter.  "Of course he isn't.  Not now that I know his true intentions.  You are going nowhere until you settle down, young lady.  Do you really think I'd stay married to your father all these years just to cheat on him now?  I'm not daft, Elena.  If I didn't love your father, I would have ended things with him years ago."

I took a deep breath.  She did not need my temper on top of hers.  "And what you missed, were the tears falling down my cheeks as I started to push him away.  So don't you dare say that I don't care for your father.  You may go see Lucy and them when you can talk to my civilly."  I turned away from her door and wanted to scream.  I did not need to be having this type of discussion with my daughter.

Stomping over to my door opening it up. Taking a deep breath, " I am civil I want to go to see Uncle Remus. " I told her with a glare on my face. I cannot stand this. I couldn't even look at her. I want to see uncle Remus and Aunt Chloe. I want to be able to vent to someone who I don't get to be grounded from if I am to unreasonable.

I shook my head at my daughter.  "That tone is not very civil," I said to her, my tone being gentle.  "Can I at least talk to you about what you saw?"  I always tried to have an open relationship with my kids.  But this was going to be difficul tbecause Elena was still too young to understand this type of loneliness that gets one into trouble.  Hopefully she would at least believe me when I told her that I was stopping it.

I scowled at her as she spoke to me. " I would like to go to Uncle Remus and Aunt Chloe's house please. " I repeated a little nicer. I did not want to be here with her to just tell me something grown always say. You're to young to understand. I am not. I know what I saw and if Dad saw that he would be hurt.

"Elena Serenity Tabatha," I said to her.  "If you want to talk to them, then you will also speak with me.  If not, then you can stay in your room."  It was really as simple as that.