There'll be peace when you are done -- Winter/Spring 1997

I took the piece of parchment from her and could not believe that she had ctually figured out how to make the potion.  That showed smarts, even if her actions overall did not.  I ran a hand through my hair.  "We'll figure that out as we go.  Come to me however often you need -- or send Eve or something if you can't find me.  It'll give me a better idea of how often you've really been taking it," I told her, thinking that this could possibly work.

I put my hand on his knee to try to comfort him.  What was he doing to make him so stressed out and unrecognizable.  "Draco... if you need to talk, you know I'm always here for you," I said to him gently.  I was sure that he would not open up to me, but sometimes all one needed was to know that they had support.

I felt helpless without access to the potion or the knowledge to make it. I started shaking slightly. I took a few shaky breaths to calm myself. "That maybe more often them I care to to admit." I said softly as I hung my head. I shook it slightly, wondering how I was going to get through this. How could I have been so blind that I couldn't see what had happened to me and how much Draco needed me? "I feel so stupid right now. How could I let this happen to Draco?" I felt horrible. Here Draco was, going through everything and all I cared about was a stupid potion to help me forget what had happened to me. I had to worry about Draco right now, not me.

I looked over at Pansy and attempted a smile at her.  "Thank you," I said simply.  "but there are just some things that I cannot speak about... and I fear that you are wanting to know things that I cannot say."  I did nto want to hurt her, but I wanted to be honest with Pansy.  I had used her in the past... and I wanted to stop doing that.

I tried to smile reassuringly at her.  "that's okay," I told her honestly.  "It just means that I'll be able to help you more, though."  I looked at her and shook my head slightly.  "Nothing has happened to Draco.  He just wants you to focus on yourself, I'm sure."  I knew that there was more to what was going on between the two of them than met the eye, but I wanted to make sure that Juniper got better.

I nodded at him and squeezed his knee.  "I know... but sometimes it's just nice to know that you have someone in your corner no matter what," I said to him softly.

"But you need to focus on your N.E.W.Ts." I reminded him. I would hate myself even more then I already did if I was the reason he failed his exams and couldn't get away from his house for another year. I gave a humourless laugh when he said nothing's happened it Draco. If only he knew the truth. But there's reasons, the last thing I needed and wanted was for him to get dragged into all of this. Two of us was enough. We were already having enough difficulty saving ourselves, never mind someone else who my brother happened to dislike. I shook my head to clear it. "Do you want to know the reason I took the potion the three times I did after class?" I figured maybe talking it out would help me figure out when I actually needed to take it versus when I felt I had to. "That is if you don't want to study quite yet. I mean I know you should study but maybe I can tell you more on a break instead of now."

I smiled at her.  "It is nice to know that," I told her.  Even though Pansy would never know exactly what was going on until the day it all happened - which, unfortunately, was looming ever closer -- she would always be there for me to support me in whatever ways she could.  I really needed to use her support more often; it would probably make me feel better about everything.

I shook my head when she mentioned my NEWTs.  One could only study so much for something and breaks were needed at times.  I was surprised that she was going to open up about taking the potion and there was no way I was going to stop her from doing that just so I could read a book.  "Please... I can study later.  I want you to know you can be open with me about this," I explained.  "It's the only way I'll be able to help you as much as needed..."

I looked at his plate and realized he had barely touched anything.  "Draco... please, try to eat more.  Not eating will not help your sister or yourself," I pointed out to him.  This I could help with.

I nodded and took a deep breath. I wasn't usually this open and I felt I owed him an explanation. "I just thought that maybe if I talked about why I took it, maybe I can figure out when I needed it as opposed to when I wanted it." I bit my lip, wondering where to start. I took a moment to organizing my thoughts and sighed. "Well, after class I went to my dorm because I forgot it there this morning." Usually I had it with me durning the day but I had over slept and would've been late if I had taken anymore time to try to find it. "I still have a big wound on my back so it hurt after sitting all day in class. So I took the potion." It was a nice large whip line, a hybrid spell my Aunt had used on me made it take longer to heal then normal. "The second time I had been thinking about me being the disappointment." I didn't really want to think about any of this, especially when I didn't have the potion to help anymore. I shook my head it clear it and took my new pendent in my hand. Having the potion in my hand seemed to help somewhat and I was able to finish. "The last one was when I saw Pansy and Draco. I thought they were going to come over." I shrugged, not sure what else to say. "That's it."

I shook my head.  What was it with the women in my life trying to force me to eat?  Oh right, they actually cared about my well-being.  I sighed and looked at Pansy.  "You're a pain," I told her, though I did pick up the fork and took a bite of the pudding that Pansy had put on my plate.  I was sure that she put something high in sugar due to the fact that I had not been eating much and I needed something to perk me up.

I nodded as she spoke, understanding to a point about the first two, but not the last one.  "And why didn't you want your brother to come over here?" I asked her quietly.  It could be for the fact that Draco and I did not see eye to eye on anything; I just could nto help but wonder if there was a deeper meaning, though.  And that could be somethign I might be able to help with... though I was not entirely sure if I could.  "Perhaps what we'll start to do is diminish taking it when there's physical pain -- Pomfrey has some remedies for that which aren't nearly as addictive.  And we just save mine to help with the emotional stuff?" I suggested ot her.

I just smiled innocently at him, glad that he was eating something -- though I noticed he went for the most sugary item I had placed on his plate.  It was better than nothing.  "I know," I said to him, shrugging.  "But someone's got to look after you."

I thought about the question he posed about my brother. "It's not that I didn't want him to come over but the two of you dislike each other and Draco's already on edge right now. I didn't think I could handle the two of you arguing." I admitted. I always felt guilty when I was with Draco, he had to complete this horrible task and I didn't. He would have to watch me die if he didn't, I wouldn't. I wished there was something I could do but every search turned up blank. I shook my head slightly to clear it. I liked his plan, I thought that maybe it could work. I nodded my agreement. "So I could take it when I'm thinking about being the disappointment but not after sitting all day with my back." I wanted to make sure that I understood what he was saying so I could make sure I knew when to ask him for the potion and when to see Pomfrey.