There'll be peace when you are done -- Winter/Spring 1997

I wanted to argue, but the women in my life always seemed to be right these days.  "You don't need to do this, Pansy," I countered.  Okay, I needed to sort of point out that I was still here and alright without the help of anyone lately, but not ot the point of an argument.

I nodded.  "Right," I said.  "And we'll slowly go from there to get you to not really need it at all."  I was not entirely sure what Juniper had to go through to make her want to take this constantly, but I knew she was strong enough not to need it all the time, even if she did not believe that.

"I know I don't," I said to him, knowing how he was.  "But that doesn't mean that I will stop doing it, either."  I wanted to make surehe would be okay even if it was clear that he did not care.

"I don't know if I'll ever not be able to take it." Between Draco's task, my attack, the Death Eaters. I closed my eye and shook my head violently to clear it. I took a few calming breaths before I looked back at Lincoln. "There is just way too much in my head for me to even think about not having it." I told him sadly. I wasn't as strong as Lincoln thought I was. If I was, I wouldn't be in this mess to begin with.

I smiled slightly.  It did make me feel better to know that someone other than my sister cared about me.  But it made this whole thing even harder... I would lose Pansy and anyone who still cared about me right now if I succeeded in the task.  I would lose my sister if I did not.  I knew I would choose Juniper every time, but it did not make this any easier to know that I would be mostly alone after all of this.  "That's true... and I appreciate it," I told her.

"Which is why we're taking baby steps," I told her.  I knew she would end up not taking any of it at all.  She just needed to build up her tolerance for the world around her again wtihout the potion.  She used to be able to handle everything without it and she would be able to do that again.

"I know you do," I said to him, though I was glad that he had told me.  It made me feel like he cared whether he really did or not.  I took a sip of pumpkin juice and looked at him.  He really did look terrible.  "Try not to worry so much about your sister, okay?  She'll be okay.  Juniper's one tough cookie," I commented, hoping to make him feel a little bit better.

Pansy's compliment of my sister kind of surprised me.  I never really saw the two of them hang out outside of if they had to be partners in class or something.  I stared at her, trying to think of a response to that.  "Oh... yeah, I know she is," I said.  "But I can't help but worry... she's just been through a lot this year."  And every single year of her life - I just could not say that aloud.

"What if baby steps aren't enough?" I asked softly. I knew he was thinking that since I had handled with everything without the potion before, I could do it again, but that was before I knew that I could ever feel as good as the potion made me feel. I hadn't known there was another way to deal with everything, so I just forced myself to, but now, I knew. "I don't even know how it got to this point but, I never knew there was an option to help with everything. Usually I just dealt with everything because I thought it was the only way." I know better now, and there was nothing that would take that knowledge away.

I smiled at Draco as reassuringly as possible.  "I know she has," I said.  I was not oblivious to everything that had happened to Juniper this year.  "Don't worry... she will make it through everything, though."

I knew Pansy was just tyring to make me feel better, it was just difficult to listen to her.  I sighed and nodded.  "I know, I know," I repeated.  Juniper always found a way through things, but normally it was with my help.  I could not help ehr with this... if I got involved in one more thing -- I would lose it.

I smiled at her slightly.  "You will do wonders with baby steps," I said to her. "I assure you.  They will be enough."  I would help make sure of that.

I nodded as I took a few shaky breaths. If Lincoln thought I could do it, then why couldn't I believe in myself for once? Of course, he had no idea of the memories I was trying to suppress with the potion, but maybe, with his help, I really could do this. "I'll warn you, I maybe bugging you a lot over the next little while." I hated the idea of having to go to him, of him finding out just how much of the potion I had been taking, but I knew I couldn't do this alone. Draco had too much on his plate right now and my parents wouldn't care that much, Father might actually be disappointed that this hadn't killed me yet, but Lincoln could help me. That in itself may help me not take it as much.

I shook my head.  "It doesn't matter to me how much you've been taking it," I said to her honestly.  "The point is now we're trying to help you to stop.  The past with this is behind you... no use dwelling on it."  If only that worked with things more than an addiction problem.  if that worked, there would be no addiction problem that we would be handling right now.

I rolled my eyes at him.  "You know, just playing with your food does not mean you're eating it," I pointed out to him.  I wondered if he had been doing that just to make it appear like he ate food.  The way that he quickly set down his fork made me frown slightly.  "It was a joke, Draco... but you really should eat more."  I did not expect a reaction like that when I said he was just playing wiht his food.