There'll be peace when you are done -- Winter/Spring 1997

Pansy and I made it to the Great Hall, but I was not sure if I could eat.  I put some food onto my plate for appearances more than anything else. I kept looking at the doors, hoping that the other two would come in and have looks on their faces that would tell me all I needed to know.  "Maybe he needs help... I should go out and talk to her," I said to Pansy suddenly.

I sighed, frustrated with myself.  "June... instead of helping you, I've gotten you addicted to something that eases pain and helps soothe memories.  It never affected me the way it is you," I told her quietly.  "Maybe it's because I only took what was needed when it was needed... but you're not doing that anymore.  Or you think you are, but really... you don't need it.  Please, just let me help you -- let us help you.  Your brother and I are concerned," I said, hoping that she woudl realize how much so if we were actually working together onthis.

I put a hand on Draco's.  "Just stay," I said, glad that he did not resist.  "Try to eat... it's goign to take longer than five minutes for him to talk to her.  What's going on, anyways?" I asked.  I figured maybe he would talk to me about what was going on and it would keep him from interrupting them.

I looked down at the flask in my hands. He thought I was addicted to it? I shook my head, I never took more then I needed. Right? "But you did help me." I looked at him and tried to make him feel better, but I wasn't sure how good it was working. "I'm not addicted." I tried to say this strongly so he would believe me but even I heard the doubt in my voice. I shook my head again to reassure myself, I was not addicted to it. Was I? "I just have lots of memories to sooth." I tried to convince both of us slowly. I had been using the potion a bit, but only when I needed it. "Draco and you are woking together?" I asked slowly. They couldn't stand each other, they must really think something's wrong. "I can't have Draco worried about me." He had to worry about his task, not me. I looked back down at the flask, "But I do need it." I looked up at him, desperate and pleading. He couldn't ask me to give up the potion.

Could I really tell Pansy?  Perhaps she could help keep an eye on my sister in the girls' dormitory.  I sighed and ran a hand through my hair.  "June got addicted to this potion after her attack earlier this year," I admitted quietly so no one else could hear me.  "I may need your help to make sure she's not sneaking it or anything without me or Matthews knowing."

I resisted the temptation to sigh in frustration.  "But he is worried about you, June," I said, going off of what I knew was always the most important thing to either one of them -- each other.  "And if you don't want him to be, let me help you.  This is only going to get worse and it will only make both of us worry about you even more.  I can tell you that he looks like shit," I added.  I was not sure if she would even notice a detail like that in the state of mind that she was in.

He seemed to be getting frustrated. "He has more important things then me to worry about right now." He was usually there for me, to distract me, but I resigned myself to the fact that he had to focus on the task right now. That's why Lincoln cure was so great, I didn't want to bug him either, he had his N.E.W.T.s to worry about. I thought back to what Draco had looked like last time I saw him, he didn't look great but I chalked that up to stress from the task. I tried to figure out the last time I made sure he ate and came up blank. I couldn't even remember the last time I made him his dreamless sleep potion either. Draco needed me right now. My eyes widened as I looked up at Lincoln, a lightbulb went off in my head. "I need to help him. He needs me." How could I be so stupid and blind to forget about how much my brother needed me right now. "And you have your N.E.W.T.s you need to worry about, not me." I looked down at the flask in my hands, then back up at Lincoln. "I can't give this up though." I admitted softly, realizing it was true. I shook my head slowly. "I need it."

I looked at her softly, glad that she was starting to realize what was going on.  I hoped that Draco would tell her that he was the one who noticed everything first, not me.  I was just the soldier sent to the battle.  "You don't need it... but that's where I come in at," I told her gently.  "Let me help you... we'll ease you off of it.  That way you can slowly get used to being back to normal."  That really was the best way to do it.  I held out my hand.  "Just... just let me have that.  I want to show you something."  I had a brilliant idea of what to do.  I would transfigure the cap -- which is the perfect amount -- into something... something that she held dear to her.  Like her brother.  Draco... Draco... like a dragon in Latin.  That would be perfect.  I could enchant it so that she could only get to the potion at certain times until she was ready to not take any of it... it could be a pendant that she could hang around her neck.

I looked down at the flask, my hands starting to tremble. Could I really do this? I closed my eyes and turned my head slightly, not being able to look as I held out the flask to him. Once he took it, I wrapped my left arm around my waist and started biting the nails of my other hand, hoping to calm myself. The potion had gotten me through everything with Aunt Bellatrix and helped me forget that I may be killed in a couple short months. I didn't want to die but I couldn't let Draco become a murderer to save me. My mind was already racing without the hope of the potion to dampen it. If I was this bad, I could only image what Draco was going through. I shook my head, "How could I be so stupid to not be there for Draco when he needed me most." I had let him down. I had put myself first, for the first time in our lives, and this is what happened. I have never been more disappointed in myself and I let it show. I looked up at Lincoln, "Do you really think I can do this?" He had to say yes, he had to believe in me because right now, I have never believed in myself less.

<< Aw!  Both twins think they put themselves before the other!  How sad!  Oh, and is the thinking and the way it's going for the dragon pendant good with you? >>

I was relieved she actually handed it over; I had not expected her to, really.  I looked up at her as I unscrewed the cap, filled it, and tried to give her a reassuring smile.  "Yes, I do," I told her sincerely.  "You are stronger than you think."  I pulled out my wand and tapped the lid and it transfigured into a beautiful crystal dragon -- it looked even better than I thought it would.  The potion was sitting within the dragon.  There was no cork or easily unscrewable cap.  Magic would have to open it.  True, Juniper could easily use the spell, but the harder it was for her to get to it, I hoped the more it would deter her.  I handed the dragon to her after adding one last touch - a thread to make it a necklace for her.  "How many times have you been taking the potion a day?  Be honest, June... I'm going to need to know to be able to help you slowly take it back to not having to take it at all."

<< yeah, June feels horrible for not being there for Draco......and I absolutely love how the pendant is going! It's so sweet! >>

I took a shaky breath and nodded. I wasn't sure if I believe him though. He said I was stronger then I thought but how could I be when I never felt so weak. I pushed that thought to the back of my mind as I watched him pour his potion into the cap and turn it into a crystal dragon. I gasped, I had never seen anything so beautiful before. When he handed it to me, I took it gently in my hand and smiled down at it. "It's a dragon. Draco." I turned my smile up at him. "That's my Patronus." I wasn't sure if he knew that or not. I put it around my neck but still held the dragon in my hands. "Thank you." I said sincerely, "but do you really trust me with it?" When he asked how much I had taken, I tried to remember the average amount per day but they all blended together, I had no idea. "I don't know." I admitted softly, I did however remember how many times I had taken it since I finished class. "I know I've taken it three times since I finished class today if that helps any." I hoped it did. I had to get better so I could help Draco and so Lincoln would stop worrying about me and focus on his studies.

Draco Malfoy wrote:Could I really tell Pansy?  Perhaps she could help keep an eye on my sister in the girls' dormitory.  I sighed and ran a hand through my hair.  "June got addicted to this potion after her attack earlier this year," I admitted quietly so no one else could hear me.  "I may need your help to make sure she's not sneaking it or anything without me or Matthews knowing."

I had been taking a sip of pumpkin juice and had to refrain from spitting it out.  Choking it down, I stared at Draco.  "She what?  How could she do that?  Addiction is nothing to mess with," I said, knowing the effects of it all too well.  My cousin killed themselves with their addiction habits -- they had gone to Durmstrang.  "Of course I'll help with what I can," I assured Draco.  I really would do anything for him.

It was a perfect fit, then.  I had not known that a dragon was her patronus, but I could nto say that it surprised me.  I smiled slightly at her.  "No offense, but I'm not telling you how to get inside that pendant quite yet," I told her gently.  I would tell Draco how to get within it, though I was sure she would nto go to him anyways.  "You'll have to hunt me down when you feel like you need it."  I knew that would be horrible for her, but my hope were that she would eventually tire of bothering me mixed with actually being able to live without the constant sense of ease that she would stop taking the potion so many times.  She was clearly taking a lot if she had taken some three times just from teh end of classes... this would be more difficult than I thought.

My eyes widened and I was about to protest having to go to him when I needed the potion but I knew it was for the best. I just hated the fact that I would have to bug him every time I needed it, he had to have better thing to do them grant me access to the potion. Studying for his N.E.W.Ts? I let my head fall and nodded my agreement. I looked in my bag, took out a piece of parchment and handed it to him. "This is how to make the potion. I guess I should give this to you since I can't remember without it." I bit my lip, still unsure if I could actually do this but I was going to prove the wrong, even if the 'them' was myself. I sighed, "So, how many times can I bug you for this tomorrow?" Maybe if I knew how many times I could take it, I could save them for when I needed it most.

With Pansy's reaction, I realized that there was probably so much more to her that I never knew.  I never bothered to ask... I just sort of used her to my benefit whether it be physical or something like this.  I looked away from her for a moment, feeling utterly miserable at that fact.  When I lifted my gaze back to her, I saw how sincere she was being.  She truly wanted to help me, if not Juniper.  "Thank you, Pansy... you have no idea how much I appreciate this," I said.  "I just don't know if I can handle anything else right now."  And that was as close as I had ever come to admitting such a thing -- especially with what was going on.  Of course, that was all that Pansy would get out of me because I could not tell her or anyone what I was going through.