Here's to the damned, to the lost and forgotten -- Spring 2005

I took another drink to stop myself from shaking.  I heard them speaking in the kitchen.  I wanted to reassure my son that everything would be okay, but I knew I would just make matters worse for the time being.  I just retreated farther into the house and sat in the dark study with my glass in my hand.  I was not sure if I could look at Pansy the same anymore.

I chuckled slightly and pulled things down from the cupboards. "Of course we can, kiddo," I said to Ian, working on getting things started for him.  I wanted to send Ian to get DRaco down here for supper, but I did not want him to yell at our son for anything stupid.

I heard them in the kitchen downstairs and when I started to smell the food, I realized that I was calmed down -- the alcohol was doing it's job.  I took a deep breath and walked down the stairs.  "That smells lovely," I said, keeping hte peace.  I could see the concern and, something that sickened me, fear on my wife's face.  I recognized that as the look that Mother gave Father more often than not.

I looked up and saw that Dad had come back down.  I smiled at him.  "It's going to be super yummy, too, isn't it Mummy?" I said, looking between the two of them.  I went and took Dad's hand and pulled him to his chair at the table.  I was glad that he came back down and was no longer angry with Mum.

I avoided eye contact with Pansy and smiled the best that I could at my son.  He deserved me to be a father to him... but how could I grieve the loss of one child when the other one still lived?  I poured myself another drink -- not caring that Pansy knew it was alcohol.  Not really caring what it did to me at the moment.  I just knew that I needed it.

I smiled at Ian, trying to read Draco's facial expression at hte same time.  "Yes, sweetie, it'll be yummy," I assured our young song.  Supper was a quiet affair that night, each of us just eating.  Ian was the only one really talking -- seeming to have forgotten the fight from earlier.  Once we finished, I looked at our son.  "Go upstairs and change into your pj's and brush your teeth.  Your dad and I will be up in a little bit to tuck you in," I said to him after having read him a story in the study.  I was not entirely sure where Draco had disappeared to after dinner, but I wanted to find him and make sure taht he at least gave our son a kiss goodnight.  Dorian needed his father, after all.

I heard Pansy tell Doiran that it was bedtime.  Was it really that time already?  I sighed, standing up.  I nearly ran into her when I left the room.  I was not sure if I could speak to her.  I walked around her and went to our son's room.  "Hey," I said as he clambered up into bed.  "You know I'm not mad at your oranything, right?" I wanted him to know  that I was not angry with him.

I looked up at my dad and shook my head.  I could see that it hurt him that I did that, but I was always told to be honest.  "Are you sure you're not mad at me?" I asked quietly.

I hated how small his voice was.  It was like a knife in my heart.  I shook my head at him. " No... I'm not mad.  I promise<" I said to him gently, sounding like my normal self.

I wrapped my arms around my dad suddenly.  "Don't be mad with mummy, either," I said to him as I squeezed my arms tightly around him.  "I don't like it when you fight."

I felt horrible for him feeling this way.  I kissed his forehead and smiled at him the best that I could.  "Ian, I'm sorry," I said to him, meaning it.  "I'm not mad at Mummy... we wont' fight anymore."

I looked up innocently at my dad and smiled at him, believing completely what he told me.  "Okay," I said simply.  "Thank you!  I don't like it when you fight."

"I know, buddy, I don't like it when we fight either," I said to my little boy.  "Now try to get some sleep, okay?"

I nodded at my dad.  I pulled hte covers up while he walked out of my bedroom.  I yawned and closed my eyes, drifting off to sleep.

I left Ian's room and poured myself another drink.  I had to find Pansy and apologize for yelling.  I just needed to calm my nerves a bit.  How could I blame the mother of my child?  It was Lucius.  All Lucius.  He twists things around for his own goals... and that was what he probably did with whatever Pansy had said to him.