The ultimate mystery is one's own self -- Fall 1993

My eyes flashed to Professor Lupin.  Something on his face told me that he was thinking more of Peter than of his other school mate.  I swallowed hard and felt like his eyes were boring into me to see what I knew.  "I don't think anyone ever chooses to be evil," I said quietly.  "I think they choose to be cowardly.  And cowards always choose the easiest side to be on -- which is normally the bad side.  It's hard to be brave and choose good.  It's easier to be bad than good."

I watched Evan carefully as he spoke those very profound words for an eleven year old child.  I leaned forward with my elbows on my desk and my hands folded carefully in front of me.  "Too right you are," I said to him quietly.  "Which is why I believe that, though you may possess qualities of a true Slytherin, you will end up choosing the light inside of you rather than the darkness that resides in all of us."  I had not quite been expecting this to take this type of turn in conversastion.

I stared at Professor Lupin and felt a smile reach my lips.  I was glad that he had faith in me, because with Peter at my heels, I was not entirely sure if I would be able to do that.  "I hope you're right," I said softly, more to myself than to Professor Lupin.  I hated hearing myself sound... weak.  Weakness was not an option for me.

I smiled at him.  "Of course I'm right," I said to him simply.  "I'm always right."  I was hoping that I was right, anyways.  If he had as much power as Lily and James did... if he went bad, then that would not be a good thing at all for anybody.

I could not help but chuckle.  Peter told me that Professor Lupin was the kindest of them all... and the king of sass and very much underestimated by others, among other things.  Apparently the other things was cockiness.  It as a side that Peter told me he showed to only a few.  "Sir... did you ever suspect Peter's darkness?" I questioned quietly.  Of course he had no idea Peter was still alive... well, not really.  He had to have believed Sirius's story; he ws still mates wiht the Blacks.

I leaned back in my chair and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly.  "I knew that, even with us, Peter did not feel like he belonged," I answered slowly.  "He was always good with us, though.  There were things he did that no one would do unless they were a true mate."  Of course I was speaking about becoming an animagus, which no one knew about.  

I leaned forward and folded my hands in front of me on the desk.  "I never would have guessed that Peter would become a traitor to the few mates he had in school that would have been there for him no matter what," I continued.  "I..." I stopped and stared at Evan for a moment.  "Evan, why are you asking me of Peter's darkness?"  I had automatically answered the boy; he had a way to get someone to speak to him even as much older than him as I, the way Lily would have been able to do.

I shrugged.  "I guess I'm just curious.  You lot were mates and all... I'd think that you would've noticed something," I explained my curiosity away easily enough.  Peter always spoke highly of Professor Lupin; he was the one to befriend Peter first.  I was pretty sure that was why he was always jealous of James and Sirius... but I was not entirley sure.  Peter did not go into everythign that caused his hatred and anger.

"Who were mates first?" I asked.  I wanted to compare stories.  See who was tellnig the truth.

I thought about that for a moment. "James and sirius instantly bonded.  Peter and I were both outcasts and we bonded with each other," I explained.  "the other two then just sort of... adopted us into their group.  I could never realize why, but I'm glad we had all been mates..." I trailed off because I had been glad of that fact until the betrayal.

I sighed.   "Until the day it all went wrong," I finished, not entirely sure myself what day I was referencing.  Peter could tell me the day his mates started to make him feel horrible.  I was sure that Professor Lupin would reference the night Voldemort killed James and nearly killed my mum.  I personally would reference my own murdering of my mother and sister.  I felt my eyes burning at the thought and I quickly pushed the thought from my mind.

For an eleven year old boy, he was very insightful.  "Exactly so," I said to him quietly.  "Evan... what else is there?"  I was curious and could tell that there was so much more that he was not saying.

I stared at Professor Lupin and could tell that he was just trying to help me, but I could not trust him.  Peter told me to trust no one when it came to my family and what was going on.  He had to stay hidden, he told me.  I swallowed and shook my head.  "What do you mean?  I've told you everything I knew about Mum," I said to him innocently.

I chuckled when he pretended to be innocent. "Evan, you forget that I was a marauder.  I mastered the art of seemingly innocent looks and words when I was the one who came up with the brilliant prank in the first place," I said to him gently.  "So I am well aware that there is so much more beneath the surface.  If you don't want to talk about it, it's alright.  I just want you to know that if you ever change your mind about that fact, I will listen. I will not judge -- I am the last person who would judge someone, trust me on that."

I stared at Lupin with interest.  "I am aware," I said to him quietly.  "I just... there's a lot I can't talk about."  I looked away from his piercing gaze.  Peter warned me about that.

What did this boy go through and who was caring for him?  I had to try to get through to him; I owed it to James and Lily.  "I understand," I said to him, though it did nto mean it bothered me any less.  "Just don't go thinking you have no one here to go to."