Finally the flesh reflects the madness within -- February 2017

I left Hogwarts because I needed to see Chloe. She was the only one I knew who could help me. It was getting harder and harder to control Boris and my darker side -especially with what was going on with James. I couldn't do it anymore. I walked into the house and sighed, running a hand through my hair. How was I going to trek Chloe that I was unraveling? "Chlo?" I called out, hoping that she wouldn't get overly concerned that I was home and not at school. These types of visits didn't always happen without me giving her warning I was coming home.

I had gotten a letter or two about the fight that happened between James and Remus. It was beyond me why he was home. Although, in tough situations he does come home or regularly went to see James and Sirius. I walked in the living room as he stood. He face was bruised, "What happened?" I asked him. This was his out if he doesn't tell me.

I shook my head, sighing.  "Some things got out of hand with James," I said, trying to dismiss that fact.  That was not why I was home.  I was home because my control was slipping away from me... and I was actually afraid that I would lose myself.  "He threw a punch, I slammed him into the wall..."  I shrugged, knowing that things would eventually calm down -- maybe.  With what james said, I was not sure if I could forgive him any time soon.

I looked at him, " Unbelievable...what happened?" I asked. " There is no way you both just decided to do that?!" I can't believe after all these years he could just dismiss that so easily. What on earth made them both apparently so stubborn.

I felt Boris perk his attentions when Chloe raised her voice slightly.  I took a deep breath and had to figure out how to control him.  Of course she would want an explanation.  I knew she would not let me continue with the issue at hand without getting one.  It was just that I was not entirely sure I could give her one without losing control.  It had always been a constant battle against the darkness lurking within me before I lost myself with the attack by the Lestranges.  But with each day since, the battle was closer and closer to being lost.  And I almost did lose until Chloe came back to me.  I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose slightly, trying to calm the beast within.  "Yes, Chloe, I just decided to defend myself against James and practically ruin the friendship on a whim," I snapped - surprised by the slight snarl in my voice.  "I go around doing that on a regular basis, you know.  And it's not like it was my decision anyways.  I can't keep taking all of James' shit.  So I defended myself.  He's just lucky that I had a minuscule of control over myself so I didn't go to rip out his throat -- and believe me, the thought crossed my mind.  What?  Does that bother you to think that the one who is always calm and steady has such thoughts?" I said, unable to get myself to stop.  I was going to be out of control with my anger.  And when I stopped disassociating the werewolf from myself and just saying it was me... that was when I knew there was going to be a problem.  "Well, guess what.  I have to block those thoughts on a regular basis because I am the animal within just posing to be this - this - this weak of a human that stands in front of you."  I had a hard time describing what type of man I was because my two sides were raging war in my head.  I clenched my fists, feeling the heat of the imminent change coming to me.  Sadly, all it was doing was fueling the fire.  

I wanted to avoid this... I came home in hopes to have Chloe help me regain a modicum of control.  And instead, the little control I had was slipping away from me.  I was getting to the point that I was unsure what I was going to do.

I was taken aback, but this usual meant something bad. I knew what this had meant before but normally it wasn't this bad. " I fully expect you to defend yourself...you don't have to take a friendship that has been around for years now and break that bond between the two of you...that goes for him too." I said trying to calm him down. " Everyone has those thoughts sometimes sweet heart. " I said as I stood in front of him debating on what I should do next. He was loud and the kids were here. I had to keep his attention on me. No matter what. He kept saying he, or me. Not separate anymore. This was really bad. To not have any separation from Boris is bad.

He is letting his other side take over. " Give it time and it should calm down." I said as I made an attempt to help him. My attempts however seemed to be going unnoticed by Boris. I bit my lip, I stepped toward him. I took his hands and looked in his eyes. " You are not weak."

It broke my heart to know what I was doing to her, but Boris was on a roll now and I was losing all insight on the matter.  I just hoped that if anything were to escalate that it would stop because Boris did always love Chloe -- she was the only one.

I glared at her.  I could smell the slight fear that was beginning to permeate the air around her.  I scoffed; the human was weak.  The animal was so much stronger -- hence the fact why it was winning.  "And what if I don't want to calm down?" I countered, practically growling the words instead of speaking them.  "Don't pretend to understand the me -- you may understand the human, but not the animal."  I squeezed her hands tightly as I spoke.  I could tell it hurt her.  To be honest, I was okay with that.  I needed to hurt somebody and she was foolish enough to stay with me.  I was going to go on a hunt to correct the wrong that was done to me.  "I am going to finish this," I stated, dropping her hands.  No one went after me and not pay the price for doing so.

<< OMG, this is so hard writing Remus this way... I just have to keep telling myself that this is Boris lol.  But I figured that Chloe could realize what he meant by "finish this" and try to stop him and then Boris can freak on her and hurt her? >>

I winced as he squeezed my hands tighter. "Remus, come back..." I said quietly I knew perfectly well he could hear me. Its just the getting him to comeback part. Hearing the finish this. I knew I couldn't let him leave the house. " Remus....come sit down....I'll make some tea." I said as I swallowed deeply as I knew Boris was in control but I'm not letting him leave. Even if it kills me, and right now. It just might. I just hoped the kids would stay upstairs.

I spun around and attempted to warn her.  I was not in control.  "Don't... please, just leave me," I whispered before the manic rage of the beast took over again.  I did not want to hurt her, but I could not control it anymore.  

I sneered at her, glad to be rid of the other aspect of myself again.  I raised my eyebrows at her.  "And you'd try to stop me?  You don't stand a chance against me," I informed her, a growl in my throat.  "If you stand in my way of what I am going to do... well, then, you decide your own fate."

" Remus you are in charge and don't forget it" I took a deep breath as I knew something bad was about to happen as I anticipated it. I did not move from the door. I wasn't going to grab him anymore but I am not moving from the door. " I'm sorry....I'm not moving."

I did not want to let what was bound to happen, happen.. but it was nearly inevitable.  I was no longer in control.

I growled at her and lunged.  I threw her towards the wall with as much force as I could.  "I wouldn't get up if I were you," I sneered, hoping that she would be stupid enough to not listen.

I hit the wall with such force the way I tried to make sure I caught myself, it ended up breaking my arm. Other cuts formed and started to bleed as I looked to the man I loved from the ground and realized he wasn't in those eyes. I tried to gather myself back up and out of the corner of my eye I saw the kids. "No." I knew I was putting myself in front of Boris regardless of my pain. He is not touching the kids. I got up as fast as I could. The pain was getting to me as the blood was now pouring down my broken arm.

Mum was bleeding and holding onto her arm. Lucy was standing with me. The wolf was winning in dad and I was going to stop him. " Lucy...get mum out of here...Now." I instructed as I hopped over the railing putting myself in front of mum and Lucy. I was going to keep them safe. Nothing Boris could do. My inner wolf almost purred with excitement at the chance to stop him. He knew what I had to do and he wanted to have some fun. " They're leaving.." I told him as he stopped to almost check out his competition or something.

<< Ugh!  This thread almost makes me want to cry, too.  We are so mean to the Lupins!  LOL >>

I stopped for a moment, sizing up the situation.  I could smell the animal within the young man.  An evil smirk played at my lips.  "Have it your way, then," I growled, going after the other wolf.

I bounded down the steps to get to Mum's side.  I held onto her, not sure if she really should be standing on her own.  "Mum, c'mon... we've got to go," I said, glancing at Dad.  I had never seen him this bad -- not even when he did not remember us.  At least then Boris was not in total control.  Tears came to my eyes, which I blinked away.  I needed to keep my head.  "We've got to go," I insisted, ushering Mum out of the room.  I would help her Apparate if I had to, but I did not want to see or hear what Will and Boris were doing.  We needed to get to Aunt Embers or Aunt Lily's... probably Aunt Lily's -- she was a Healer after all.