You're falling out of reach -- Spring/Summer 2000

I believed that James could tell me everything I needed to know right now, anyways.  "This was always a secret, wasn't it?  what I am?  I never wanted to confide in anyone... I had no friends... I was scared of what I was," I said, more as a statement than a question.  Then flashes went through my mind.  "Did the beast inside... Boris - did he control me at some point?"  an entire town massacred... was that from me?

I nodded at him sadly.  "You didn't really tell us... we found out by the end of third year... then we became animagi by fifth year so you wouldn't have to do it alone," I said to him softly.  I furrowed my brow.  "I'm not entirely sure what all boris has made you done in your past.  I just know that, by the time we met you, you had somewhat of control."

I could not believe that James did not know everything -- but then again, if those flashes were really true... I would not even tell him now.  I took a shaky breath.  "You guys were great back then," I said, vaguely remembering things they had done for me.  "And you're being great now, too... thank you James."  It was the least I could say.

I shook my head at him.  "Remus, you're my best mate.  I'd do anythign to help you," I said simply.  "No thanks are required..."  I just wished that I had more to tell him to be able to help him remember his life.  "What else would you like me to go into right now?" I asked him, knowing we should not overwhelm him.

I shrugged.  "I-I'm not sure if I want to know anything else," I said, almost fearful of what my life had been.  "I don't know if I can handle finding something out that..." I trailed off, hoping that James understood and did not want to say it aloud that I might be ashamed of some of my actions or anything like that.

I put a hand on his shoulder.  "The Healers said to take it slowly," I said, nodding at him.  "Maybe this is best... just let you rest or something?" I suggested.

I looked over at James.  "I know... but there's so much that I need to know..." I sighed, shaking my head.  "That girl from the other room... she was - is - really my daughter?" I asked, wondering how on earth that could even be.

It was so difficult to see him speaking of Lucy like she was a stranger.  I nodded at him.  "Yes... her name is Lucy.  You also have a son -- Will -- who is like you," I explained slowly.  "And that woman... she's your wife.  Chloe.  The two of you... well, your love for each other and the way you understand each other... I aspire to be like you."

I nodded slowly, sitting down and trying to take it all in. "You aspire to be like me?  Despite what I am?" I asked, surprised even though i remembered the strength of our friendship.  "How could anyone love me that much, though?"

I put a hand on Remus's shoulder.  "You have no idea," I assured him.  "That girl who is your daughter in the other room?  She loves you so much... and so does her mother and her brother.  Remus, you went through a lot to be happy, and now that you're there... try not to push it all away because it doens't make sense to you right now."  I hoped that he understood waht I meant by that.

I stared at James, completely stunned.  "I just don't know if I can believe you that someone loves me so unconditionally -- besides my father, that is," I said to him honestly.

"When she wakes up... you'll be able to see that," I assured him.  "Trust me.  Please, you just have to trust me... and I know that's a lot to ask for right now because you might barely know who I am..."  I trailed off, still trying to figure out how I was going to handle his amnesia.

I looked at James and put a hand on his shoulder.  "You are one of the few who I do trust, James.  I remember you.  I remember the trust I had in you," I assured him.  "I just find it hard to believe you."

I was grateful that he did remember me.  I smiled at him slightly.  "You will be able to believe me... one day," I said to him, putting a hand on his shoulder.  "It'll just take time."

I sighed.  "Is time something i really have though?  I had a whole life before now... my supposed loved ones are not going ot want me to take time, though," I said to James sadly.