Do I dare try to take the leap? -- February 1997

I had finally gotten to end it with Lavender.  I felt like a free person.  I really did.  I just wondered if I should actually do what George suggested I do.  I wish he was still here for me to ask him... but he graduated last year.  I sighed.  Running my hadn through my hair I wondered how on earth I was going to do this.  I needed to talk with Harry and Dean.  Looking around the common room all I saw was an angry looking Hermione.  Well, I didn't want to do this with her mad or anything, but she was still my friend.  I walked over to her.  "Hey... everything okay, Hermione?" I asked her.  I knew our friendship had been rocky with me dating Lavender, but I haven't been dating her for the past month.  I was hoping that Hermione would at least talk to me.  I missed her, I really did.

I looked up briefly to Ron as he spoke, " Everything is fine..." I said as I tried to turn my focus back on my homework. " shouldn't you be working on your transfiguration essay?" I asked, trying to get him to leave. It was hard enough seeing him when I wanted to just sit here with him. Could I just open after I broke down crying in front of Harry. He had known for a while how much I like Ron. He had been there for me when he was an idiot and dating Lavender. " Where's your shadow?"

"I'm missing my shadow?  I should get that looked at," I said, trying to lighten the mood.  I sat down next to her.  "And I broke up with her about a month ago or so... it wasn't what I wanted."  I knew i would have to sort of mend some bridges with Hermione... and I had no idea how this was even going to happen.  I wanted to be honest with her, but I wasn't sure if she'd let me with the attitude she was in.

I rolled my eyes, " You just saying that? I mean, she has been following you around like a lost puppy..." I said irritated. I mean, it's not like I could control what she does and when. It just frustrated me to know that she didn't care about boundaries at all. " Well, I guess you figured it out." I said to him as I heard he broke up with her. She needs to understand that broken up means still not to hang out and follow him around. I guess he really did it because she has been following him saying that she'll get him back. I looked up to him, " What's going on?" I asked him. I mean, I guess I can be civil towards him for a bit.

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair.  "Er... nothing really.  Just have some things on my mind is all," I said, suddenly feeling a little awkward.  I coulnd't believe how nervous I was talking to Hermione.  I just didn't want to say anything that would make her hate me even more.  I knew I wasn't going to bring up how I felt... at least not quite yet.  I needed to mend what was there.  Except... I wasn't sure why things were messed up anyways.  Unless I believed George when he says she likes me too.  I looked at her.  "I just wanted to make sure you were doing alright.  We haven't really talked or hung out much for a long time -- for which I'd also like to apologize for, if you'll forgive me that is for being a royal pain."  This would be a good first step.  I just knew that Hermione could have a temper when she wanted one -- she threw birds at me for crying out loud!

I raised my eyebrows, " I am capable of doing other things and not so much worry about who or what you and Harry date..." I said as I watched him turn red. " I am sorry.... I'm fine... Just been busy with assignments.." I said, " Which you should know McGonagall isn't going to take any excuses..." I told him, he needed to catch up on his homework. I don't have any problem with helping. " Well sit down." I told he was just awkwardly standing there.

I sat and shrugged.  "How do you know I don't have my homework done?" I asked, knowing full well she knew I didn't.  I smiled slightly at her to let her know I wasn't egging her on in a fight or anything, but just kidding around.  I hated how I felt like I needed to tip-toe around her, but I deserved every little bit of disdain and anger she threw my way.  I knew that.  So I was just going to take it and not do a thing about it because she needed to get it off of her chest.

I sighed, crossing my arms on the desk. Looking up to him, as he smiled. I had to bite the insides of my cheeks from smiling. Iwanted to really. I was happy to hear she was gone. I didn't need to act on how I was feeling. I want to stay angry. I am finding it hard to stay mad at him, just trying to remember the hurt I felt not to long ago." I know you.." I said as I tried to put my focus on the work in front of me. " You know, I'll help if you need it...." I said quietly.

I had to chuckle.  She really did know me quite well.  "If I actually accepted your offer... you're not going to think that was the only reason I came over here, are you?  Because it's not.  There are more important reasons fo rme to come over here than homework," I assured her.  Did I need the help?  Most definitely... I felt like I was drowning in homework.  But that wasn't really near the forefront of my mind when I came to talk to her.

I stopped, " Really.... it's not the only reason..." I said looking over to him, Merlin why was it so hard to stay mad at him. When he does that reassuring smile. I don't know anymore. I jsut lose my train of thought. I sighed, " What's going on then?" I asked him, " Wanting to know how to get back with Brown?" I asked him, was he really wanting advice. I was not going to help him whatsoever with Lavender if that's the reason, " Well....."

I rubbed the back of my neck and cleared my throat.  "Er... no, not at all.  It's just... well, I..."  Merlin, why was I having a hard time saying something to her?  This was Hermione!  I should have no problem talking to her; we've only been friends for years.  It just didn't help that I really was probably in love with her... but still.  I should be able to talk to her.  "Hermione, I just missed you," I told her, finally spitting it out.  I could feel myself going red... I couldn't help it.

" It was your decision to stop talking to me.." I said as I went back to my parchment. " You chose to let her tell you who you could and couldn't speak with won-won...." I said using the pet name she had given him. That name made me almost sick. Just know she was with him, it just made me sick. I wasn't really going to say that. I am not that mean to people. " I didn't go anywhere..."

"Well any time that I even tried to talk to you when I was with her, you completely ignored me or we fought," I said, ignoring for a moment just taking any anger Hermione threw my way.  It wasn't just all me that had gone missing from our friendship.  It was a two way street... and we both had put up road closed signs for the entire time I was with Lavender.  Was it right for me to have done in the first place?  No, not at all.  Which was why I understood where Hermione was angry.  But I wasn't the only one who had done it... I did try to reach out to her as a friend while with Lavender and it didn't work.  At least when I saw her with McCormick I didn't throw birds at her. 

<< Here comes the fight!!!   LOL >>

" I completely ignored you?! You seemed it fit to bring her around when you know I don't like her! She and you made it seem as though you wanted to rub my face in whatever you both called happiness! When I was with McCormick it was only to try to forget about the two of you!....Whenever I tried to see just you she just got in the way. Making it impossible for me to be civil to her when all she did in front of me was snog you.." I felt my temper rising. " I know I never make it easy as it should be. Seeing you be with someone made it hard for me...to completely get shut out by you...I DATED OTHER PEOPLE! " I snapped, " YOU KNOW THAT I HAD AGREED TO A DATE TO SHUT HER UP! ALL SHE DID WAS SET ME UP WITH SOME IDIOT!" I shouted. " YOU KNOW THAT SHE JUST DID IT TO GET ME TO STOP TALKING TO YOU!" I shouted, " YOU NEVER MADE IT EASIER, FIGHTING WITH YOU SEEMED LIKE THE ONLY TALKING WE DID BECAUSE WHENEVER YOU WOULD SHOW UP AROUND ME IS WHEN SHE AND YOU WANTED SOME PRIVACY AND YET ALWAYS FOUND ME!" I screamed, I was feeling tears welling in my eyes as my anger was at it's worst.

"IT'S NOT LIKE I COULD CONTROL WHAT SHE DID!" I shouted back.  "I TRIED TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU, BUT SHE ALWAYS CAME AROUND!  SHE WAS JEALOUS OF YOU, HERMIONE!  IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S A HUGE SECRET HOW I FEEL!"  How on earth was I going to explain this to her?  I knew she was pissed off.  I would be too; hell, I was pissed off!  How was I supposed to know how Hermione felt if she didn't freaking tell me?  I wasn't about to take any more of her yelling at me, though.  So when I saw her open her mouth to retort, I realized I wasn't even thinking of what I was doing before I did it.  I took her face in my hands and I bent and kissed her before she could say anything else.  Maybe that would show her how I felt about her and why everything was so damn difficult.