It didn't feel like a dream... it felt like a memory -- 25 May 1998

I had to leave the reception.  Dean had felt so badly.  It was a good thing it was close to the end of hte night anyways.  They had played our song.  The kids and everyone said that I collapsed and had it not been for James I probably would've hit my head on the ground.  I didn't realize I had done that.  All I had seen was me and Sirius on our wedding night dancing.  We were looking into each others' eyes with such love and passion.  They claim I must have blacked out or something... I don't know.  It all felt so real.  I knew it was a memory.  But I swear I could feel his arms around me.  His lips against mine when the song ended.  I needed so much to feel that now... instead I only had worried expressions gazing at me and an empty bed to go to at home.  I apologized to Dean and Addison and everyone understood that I needed to leave.  I had to almost argue with james to let me go by myself.  I needed to come here.  I wish that I could just lay with him... to feel him next to me.  There was no way I'd be able to, though.  Not with all the machines hooked up to him.

I walked into St. Mungo's and my heels clicked loudly on the floor of the lobby, making the fwe people there look at me.  So what did I do?  I slipped them off and carried them.  I'm guessing I looked a little rough because no one argued with me about putting them back on.  The night receptionist smiled at me and I tried to smile back, but I wasn't sure what i looked like and if she even realized what I had been trying to do.  I made it up to Sirius's room and opened the door.  I sat on the edge of the bed and took his hand.  "Today was a happy day, sweetie," I said, my tears running down my face.  "I wish you were there... they played our song... all I saw was you.  Baby... I need you to wake up so badly... please."  I laid my face down on his chest without messing up any lines or anything. I cried into my husband's chest, wishing that he would put his arms around me and comfort me.

I had to check on my little sister.  I convinced everyone to just let me come.  I knew how badly Lily wanted to come and check on her; Dean looked like he was torn about it; Chloe I knew wanted to come check on her; Remus was the one who looked at me.  I hated how he always seemed to know best.  I swear... without Moony none of us would be able to function properly or think clearly in tough situations.  Which from what I heard, this time last year Moony had almost been lost.  It had been a rough year for our group apparently.  I just wish that I could've helped then like I can now.  I made my way to St. Mungo's and there was no point in changing.  I was sure I'd get looks since I was so dressed up in a suit and stuff, but my baby sister needed someone and it couldn't wait.  Waving to the receptionist, I went up to Padfoot's room.  It broke my heart to hear my sister crying in there.

I opened the door quietly and walked over to her.  I put a hand on her back and felt bad when she jumped a little bit.  "Em," I said softly.  "C'mere..."

I jumped slightly when I felt a hand on my back.  I knew better than to think it was Sirius.  I looked over when I heard my brother's voice.  I was so glad that he came.  As much as I wanted to be by myself when I left the reception, I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to handle being here without some comfort.  I sat up and moved slightly so he could sit on the bed beside mee, down by Sirius's feet.  I let him wrap his arms around me and I rested my head on his shoulder, keeping one hand holdin gSirius's and the othr around my brother.  I was so grateful that my brother held me while I cried.  Sniffling I looked at him.  "I am probably so crazy for having just a song affect me so," I said, wiping my eyes a little bit.  I was sure that i Looked like a mess.

I kisse dmy sister's forehead.  "Em... if it didn't effect you, I'd be concerned," I assured her, rubbing her back between the shoulderblades like I used to do when she was little and she was upset.  "I do know how hard this is for you... I was in a similar situation, remember.  Not knowing if Lily was alive... I was scared to death," I said to her.  Even just the thought of the way I had felt when I was caged like an animal still brought tears to my eyes.  I had not known what had happened to Lily or Harry... and I had hoped so badly that they had been alright.  And they were.  It was ridiculous the emotions I felt that night.

How could I be so stupid?  Of course James would have a vague idea what I was going through!  I looked at him and I felt like the scared little girl he used to comfort during bad storms.  "James... how did you do it?  How did you get through the day?"  I had to konw.  It was getting harder and harder with each day passing without Sirius waking up.  I wasn't sure how much longer I could stand.

I wish I had the answers for her.  "Ember... I honestly have no idea.  At first, it was hope," I explained, looking off into the distance remembering those nights and how horrible they were.  "Then when that faded... I had determination to get out to figure out what had happened.  I didnt' speculate during that time if they were alive or dead.  That faded quickly because I didn't ahve the strength to do a damn thing."  I sighed and looked from Padfoot to Ember.  "Then after that... I grieved.  Not necessarily over the loss of Lily and Harry because they could have still been alive.  But I grieved because I realized that I was lost.  That if they were alive, they had lost me.  And if they were gone, I was still alive and they still lost me.  The night that Dean and Harry foudn us... well, that night was the night I had given up completely.  I was going to beg Peter to just kill me.  I couldn't live like that anymore.  I was weak by that point.  I suppose I had a little bit of hope in there, still throughout the years.  What else would I have had up until that oint?" I wondered aloud.  I knew that wouldn't help Ember, but it felt good to bond with her.

I looked fomr Sirius to James, tears in my eyes. "James... I can't give up hope.  I have to believe that he will wake up.  If he doesn't... I will lose a part of me that I don't know if I can recover from," I said quietly, squeezing my husband's hand while leanined into my brother for support.

It pained me to see my sister like this.  I knew if something happened to Sirius... he was her love.  And if that were broken... then she would be too.  I knew how she felt; I had felt it with Lily.  I'm sure Chloe had felt that same way when Moony was in the hospital not a year ago.  I understood completely.  I had felt broken for sixteen years... I squeezed her shoulder and held her.  "Emmy... I know... He will wake up.  It's Padfoot; he's just being dramatic," I said, trying to lighten the mood.

I laughed through my tears and smiled at James.  "Thank you," I said, giving my brother a kiss on the cheek.  I stood up and rubbed my arms.  I was not really dressed to be staying here overnight, but I wasn't going to leave.  I needed to stay with Sirius tonight more for myself than for him.  I looked around the room and wished that he had been wearing clothes that we could have saved... that way there may have been something here for me to change into.

I saw that she seemed a little bit cold.  I took off my suit coat and draped it around her shoulders.  "How about I go get you a change of clothes?  And when i come back, I'll have the best thing for you," I said, smiling slightly at her.  Yes, I was going to be bringing some tea.  That was our answer to everything... and I was just glad taht I could help my sister now.

I had a feeling I knew what he was going to be bringing back.  "Okay," I said, sitting down in the chair with james's jacket around me.  I reached out and squeezed Sirius's hand.  If only he would wake up... I didn't want to beg for him to wake up anymore.  I would just have faith that he would... and if he didn't, well, I wasn't going to think about that.  With James gone, I felt extremely alone.  Maybe I could get him to stay with me here tonight.  Even with Sirius laying there in bed, I felt completely alone.

I walked back to the room after having gone to Grimmauld Place.  I had grabbed some of Ember's yoga pants and flip-flops, but naturally I grabbed a shirt that belonged to Padfoot along with one of his sweatshirts that he had had since Hogwarts pretty much that I knew Ember had always stolen.  I figured it would be of comfort to her now.  I even took the time to spray it with some of Padfoot's signature cologne.  I figured that it would be a nice touch... instead of all the hospital smells.  I opened the door and saw that she was curled up in the chair just watching his monitors as if looking for a sign he was waking up.  I walked over to her and said, "Here are some clothes."  As she went into the bathroom to change, I made some tea.  It was just our thing and I loved it.

I smiled at my brother and got changed.  I held the sweatshirt up to my nose and smelled it.  James had thought of everything.  I slipped it over my head and instantly felt comforted.  I walked out and saw James with some tea.  I couldn't help but laugh a little bit.  I pushed my bangs out of my face and took the cup he was holding out for me.  "You have thought of everything," I told him, sitting down back in teh chair and curling my feet up underneath of me.

"You know, I try," I said, conjuring up a slightly more comfortable chair for myself.  "Why don't you drink the tea and then try to get some rest... It's been a rough day on you.  I can't imagine how you feel right now."  I mean... I don't know how I'd feel for Harry's wedding.  And would I feel as strongly about it as a woman, anyways?  probably not.  And then for that to hit her like a sucker punch to the gut with the song... The look on Dean's face told me it was not supposed to happen.  I was just glad that I had been there to catch her before she fell.  I was also glad taht it didn't make too big of a scene.

I rolled my eyes at my brother and we sat in silence as we drank the tea.  I wondered if he had put anything in mine because I got awfully groggy.  "James... will you stay with me?" I asked him as he walked over to cover me with a blanket.  I knew I wasn't really alone here since Sirius was right nxt to me... but it just wasn't the same.