I don't ever want to feel the way I felt that day -- Fall 1996

I was laying on a blanket on the grounds of Hogwarts in a somewhat secluded spot with Morgan.  She was my go-to person when I wanted to go numb.  She helped me that way.  And if I wanted to feel something else, well, she helped me there, too... along with quite a few other ladies.  I didn't realize I was in such high demand.  I was past the point of caring if a Professor walked by... we had already finished our stash that we had for the afternoon and let me tell you something... it was a good hit.  I was laying back looking at the sky and thinking that I had never thought that the clouds looked as entertaining as they did right that second.  I was definitely in the giddy stage of whatever high I was on at the moment.  Hell, I had no idea what Morgan had given me... but it was working wonders.  I propped myself up on my elbows and looked over at her.  "Was it just me, or did that one cloud look like it had a bigger nose on it than sNape?" I questioned, busting up laughing.  Yeah, it was lame... but Merlin it was still hilarious!  I looked around, wanting to double check to make sure that there was nothing left to take.

I laughed and pulled something out of my bra.  "Looking for something?" I asked him, holding up the joint.  I held it out of reach and made him kiss me before I would even let him be able to light it.  I knew how to get what I wanted... and what I wanted was Dean.  And if I had to get the fun loving side of him, then so be it.  As long as Addison would not want him back after I got through with him so he would be all mine... well, I was pretty sure we were well on our way for that.

Oh, she was playing hard to get was she?  I pulled her to me and started kissing her passionately.  I broke away from her and lit up the joint, letting ladies go first of course.  She got her hit off of it and I took it away, leaning back and pulling her so she could rest her head on my chest as I took a long draw from it.  I laid there in silence for a moment and then just started busting up laughing again.  I sat up and had to look around.  "You know... I think we should cause some trouble or something.  I'm feeling really antsy right now..."  I took another hit and passed it to Morgan, standing up.  I staggered for a moment and finally got my footing, chuckling at myself the entire time.  I held my hand out to her to help her up.

I was glad he passed the joint back to me.  I wasn't nearly as high as he was, but I didn't want to be.  I took his hand and tried to let him help me up... but managed to pull him back down with me.  Laughing, I smacked him playfully.  "You're such a clutz!  You were supposed to help me," I said, shaking my head, loving the fact that his smile never changed no matter if he was stoned or sober.

I flashed her a grin and leaned in real close to her ear as if I was going to be telling her a big secret.  "Well, we both know that happens sometimes when you are this fucked up," I said, still grinning at her.  I really did not mind being like this.  It was nice not to feel a damn thing... I enjoyed the numbness, I really did.

I gave him the joint and stood up, managing to do so wihtout stumbling around like he did.  I held out my hand.  "Here, let's try this again," I teased, laughing as I helped hoist him up.  We still almost fell over because we were laughing so hard.  He put his arm around my shoulders as we started to walk.  He was leaning on me and I was actually grateful that I was not as stoned as he was due to the fact we would be rolling on the ground if I were.  I saw some of his people and pulled him aside quickly, making him stumble even worse.  "Sorry, I think the patrol is out looking for you," I said, calling them the nickname we had come up with one night.

We were mere inches from each other and she was lucky the joint was used up as much as it was or it could easily have burnt her since it was still in my mouth.  I grabbed it and pushed closer to her, my free hand up against the wall behind her.  "Was it the patrol or was it the fact you just wanted to be this close to each other?" I asked, leaning down and kissing her neck a tad.

I giggled and pushed him away slightly.  "I was being serious," I said, enjoying the fact taht his mind flopped from one idea to the next in an instant.  I wrapped my arms around his neck.  "Now... would you rather get into some trouble or be like this?" I asked him, giving him a kiss and biting his bottom lip slightly.  I figured I could try to persuade him.

I barked out a laugh and was a little disappointed when I took the last hit off of the joint.  I looked at her and kissed her again.  "Isn't this getting into trouble?  May as well kill two birds wiht one stone," I slurred out, rather pleased that I got the phrase correct.  I nearly switched it around... my thoughts were all jumbled up at the moment... which is exactly how I wanted them to be.

I laughed and gave him a kiss.  "Well, yes, this is getting into some sort of trouble... but I would much prefer if we weren't out on the grounds right now," I said, still giving him small kisses.  I really did not feel like getting it on outside... but the risk of people finding us in our little nook here was exhillarating.

She was being so lame right now.  I sighed and started leaving our little area.  "I suppose I'm going to go off and find someone else that I can cause trouble with," I said, stumbling away from Morgan.  I didn't want to think... and Morgan was really starting to get on my nerves with her rules and she was just acting like a prude right now.  Normally she did not care where we were... perhaps I took more hits than her so she was not feeling as liberated as I did right now.  I felt as if no harm would come to me.

I had been going on a walk to clear my head, I was feeling a little alone and I didn't know how to cure it. I had found a nice little nook to do some reading. I loved being able to just shut things off and sometimes I needed to get lost in a world all my own. I sat down by a nearby tree and opened the book, when I heard someone talking. Naturally, my curiousity was my killer, " Hm..." I said leaving my bag, there and I went to take a look and I saw my brother stumbling away from....Winters. They were dead. I swear I could see flames right now. I was going to kill both of them. " Immobulus!" I shouted at my brother. He looked as if he was going to fall and crack his head off, he looked like shit so did she. "what the hell are you both doing right now!?" I shouted.

I put my hand on his arm.  "Dean... you don't have to do that," I said, hating the fact that he was going to search for a different route of fun.  I knew what he meant by that:  find a different girl to have fun with.  I really did not want that to happen, but I was starting to try to behave a little bit -- which was why I did not take as many hits as Dean did.  He was almost getting to the point that he was getting out of control with everything.  I did it recreationally, but Dean was becoming reckless with it and extremely hardcore.  I enjoyed getting high and stuff... but Dean, well, he went to the point where he needed more to achieve the feeling of nothingness.  He needed more and more...

I heard someone shout and I looked up and saw Dean's sister.  I sighed and pushed my hair away from my face.  Of course she would automatically get angry.  Hell, I did not necessarily blame her, but still.  "I didn't realize we had to answer to you," I said in a bored voice to Elena.

Great... busted by someone that would be harder on me than Uncle Remus.  He at least was somewhat understanding about everything.  "Let me go," I said, not liking the fact that my sister felt the need to use magic to hold me someplace.  "All you needed to do was ask to talk."  Of course, I would have talked to her but not about what she wanted.  I wanted to get away from Morgan.  She was pissing me off and Lenni was getting right up there with Morgan as well.  What was it with women and wanting to control me?

I did not care about my actions right now. " You both look like shit!" I shouted.  Iwas beyond pissed off. I almost felt like I couldn't control my temper at all. " You have to answer when you both stink like booze and drugs. I looked to Dean as he said let me go. I shrugged that off." What the hell have you done to yourselves!" I was almost crying I was too angry. I knew it and I am sure Dean knew it too if he wasn't to high which I was sure he was. Which made me more angry, " Why the hell are you doing this to yourselves! " I shouted. I couldn't control my anger I knew I was fuming. Walking right up to my brother. I let him go, " Why..." I asked looking right into his eyes. I knew he was high which I would get the honest answer. I had tears in my eyes, he was willing to do this to himself and I wanted to know why.