Change Isn't Always a Good Thing Fall 1996 (DONE)

We were back in school and that meant that Addie and I didnt' have a lot of time together.  It sucked, especially after everything that happened that summer.  And somehow the whole school knew before any of us got back on the train that September.  I had finally been able to track Addison down and realized that she was overly distracted.  "Hey, babe, are you okay?" I asked, my hand rubbing her arm as I talked to her.

I couldn't look at Dean. I didn't want to see the worry, the concern, the love. I didn't deserve any of it. I just needed to be by myself. I wasn't sure what I could do anymore. This had taken more from me than I could have ever imagined. "Dean... please, don't call me that," I said, biting my lip to try to keep the tears from blurring my vision.

I let my hand drop and just stared at her. This was it, wasn't it? This is what I had feared would happen. After everything I tried to do to help... after everything we've been through? "Alright... Addison, would you look at me? Please?" I asked, trying to keep the emotion out of my voice. The woman I loved with my whole heart... It felt like she was going to just walk away from me and take my heart with her.

I raised my stare to look into his eyes and saw the pain. "Dean... I can't do this to you anymore," I said, folding my arms so I could rub them. It wasn't that cold, but being sleep deprived did that to me. It was only the end of October, but the wind hadn't gotten it's normal chill yet. "I don't know who I am anymore... and I don't want to bring you down with me."

I took a step back so that I could brace myself against the wall. "Addie... you wouldn't be bringing me down with you. Let me help you to keep you from falling," I said. I didn't want to beg her to let us be together... but she was my world. She got me to talk to my father. She loved me despite everything. At least, I thought she did.

I looked away from him again. I couldn't do this to him. I wouldn't let him. "Dean, it's not that I don't want to be with you, because I do. I love you, Dean... but that's why I have to do this. This isn't fair to either one of us," I said, waving my arms gesturing to what had been going on with us since we lost the baby. "You don't deserve this. But I can't just... snap out of it. I want to be able to find myself again, Dean. And I don't know if I can if I'm an us and not a me." I really hoped that made sense. I had tears in my eyes as I looked at him. I hated the way he stared at me.

"And you think I've just snapped out of it?" I asked, not sure if I was hearing her right. I didnt' want to argue with her, but that was like a slap to the face if she thought I didnt' care about the baby and I could just snap out of it.

Great, now I had made him angry. "that's not necessarily how I meant --"

"That's sure the way it sounded!" I exclaimed, trying to get myself to calm down. "Did you know that I had a couple of names picked out? I had Sedona Marieif it was a little girl and then for a little boy, Cyrus Blake. Kind of for my dad but different enough that we wouldn't get them confused talking about them and Blake after your dad. So don't you tell me that I just snapped out of it, Addison. It's just that I was more concerned about you that I bottled up what I was feeling so I could be strong for you. YOU. The only one that I broke down to were my parents. I'm sorry you didn't see my tears, but I knew you needed me to be the strong one. So don't you dare say that I just snapped out of anything." I was fuming. How dare she accuse me of such a thing!

I bit my lip to keep from breaking down right then and there. We used to hardly ever argue... and now look at us? How did he think that this was normal? To be at each other's throats? "Dean... I'm sorry, but that's not the way I meant it. But see? We used to be happy and understanding of each other... now we're not and it's not doing either of us any good," I told him, looking down the hall because I heard some people coming.

I threw up my hands and said, "Fine. Whatever Addison. I'm done trying to keep you from losing yourself. If you think that this is the only way to find yourself again, fine. Just don't come running to me when you realize what you just lost." Walking away from her was the hardest thing I had ever had to do in my life -- and yes, that even included losing the baby. I loved that girl with my whol eheart. Now... now I felt hollow. I was shell-shocked. I couldn't believe this. Surprisingly, I held back the tears as I made my way through the throng of students. I needed to talk to someone... anyone. I would prefer either Harry or, well, Remus was still teaching here so perhaps I'd find him. I mean, Professor Lupin. I walked towards the DADA classroom and found it thankfully empty. Getting to the door, I hesitated. Remus didn't know everything, I didn't think. But Ireally didnt' feel like breaking down in front of the guys, either. I raised my hand and knocked.

I leaned against the wall as he walked away. I couldn't believe that he said he'd never be there again. I wouldn't believe that... we were soul mates... weren't we? I knew that it was probably said out of anger, but still. Was I making the biggest mistake I could ever make just because I couldn't get past losing my baby? Just because... it felt like a little piece of me died with the baby? The healer had told me it had been a boy. It would've been Cyrus Blake. I can't believe that I never told Dean... I just didnt' want to put more saddness there in his eyes. I stood up straight and tooka few deep breaths to calm myself and walked in the opposite direction.

It was a break from any classes, so I figured I'd get a head start on grading a few essays. I hardly assigned essays since I knew I couldn't read and grade them as quickly as I probably should, but I loved reading what the students would write, so I still assigned them. Just probably not as often as other professors seeings as I tried to cut a little bit of slack. And also due to the fact that DADA is more of an applied class rather than writing things down.

I had just settled into another essay when a knock on my office door made me look up. I set down the parchment, a little perturbed by the interruption, and walked over to the door. I opened it up and saw a distressed Dean and I was glad that he came to me looking like that. "Dean, come in," I said, trying to be professional before we were behind closed doors. It's what we tried to do anyways in public and who knows who else may have been in the classroom or in the hall outside. "What is it?" I asked him, leading him to the chair.

I let him lead me, seeing as I wasn't sure if I could really move on my own now. I was kind of in shock, really, with what had just happened. I looked at him apologetically when I saw the stack of papers on his desk. "I'm sorry... we can talk some other time," I said, starting to get up when he shook his head at me. I stayed put and sighed. "I didn't know who else to go to, and I was -- am -- always able to talk to you... you seem more like a dad to me in a lot of ways. Always being there for me and stuff." I ran my hand through my hair. "Well, you know that Addie and I lost the baby... and... well... I just lost her, too," I finished, trying to keep a lot of my emotion hidden.

I sat back in my chair to take it all in. I felt guilty at Dean's remark of me being like a father to him... that was never my intention. I had just wanted to be there for him and to keep an eye on him and Elena for Padfoot and Ember. I stroked my chin slightly before saying, "There's no doubt that you've lost Addison?" I needed to buy some time so I could think of how best to help Dean right now.