September 1997: I hate the word homophobia. It's not a phobia. You are not scared. You are an asshole.

I could not bring anything up while on the train with Malfoy in the compartment and then, at the Welcoming Feast, I did not have to deal with him.  But there were some things floating around and, to be quite frank, I was none too pleased about him being allowed to sleep in the same dormitory.  We all thought it.  We did not want him in there.  I was just the one that had the guts to stand up for it -- even with malfoy on Zabini's side.  I waited in the dorm -- Goyle was going to make sure that no one was going to interrupt us -- so i could have a few words with Zabini about this so called sleeping arrangement.  I did not care where he slept, but it was not going to be in here with the rest of us.

They always say that every new year is a fresh start, but I didn't fully appreciate how true that would be going into my final year at Hogwarts. It was a miracle that I was coming back to this school at all. The summer had been filled with more arguments between me and my parents, arguments about leaving Hogwarts and attending Durmstrang. I didn't have to come out to them as a supporter of Dumbledore's Army for them to know that I was. While I hadn't been an active member of Potter's group that opposed Umbridge and Voldemort, I hadn't been part of the Inquisitorial Squad either. "You have to pick a side," they said. I already knew which side they'd chosen. They supported Voldemort, just like any stereotypical Slytherin's parents would. I wanted nothing to do with that path, so I'd basically made myself scarce over the summer and tried my best to keep the peace.

"Hogwarts isn't safe." Another argument that they used against me, but we all knew that Durmstrang was only safe for those who thought Voldemort would rise again. And yes, he had, but he hadn't won. Yet. Even if he did, though, I knew where my loyalties lay. Besides, Hogwarts was the safest place I could think of, especially given the other recent developments to my identity. As one of the most inclusive and accepting places in the magical world, I knew that even if people had issues with me, they wouldn't have power over me for too long. There would be those who would stick up for me. I hoped Draco would be, despite the awkward advance I put him through when I told him.

A new year, a new start. A new me. I reflected on the ways that the summer shaped me into a seventh year. Things were changing, but I was ready. Or so I thought. After the Welcome Feast, I walked up to the seventh year dormitory and saw Crabbe unpacking his luggage on his four-poster. There had never been any bad blood between us, but I caught a strange side-eyed glance when I walked past.

"Hi, Crabbe," I said with a smile. Maybe I'd imagined it.

I sighed and continued unpacking.  I only managed to unpack a shirt or two before his presence just irritated me so greatly that I could not even try to behave for a little bit.  I turned and looked at Zabini.  "We need to talk," I said to him gruffly.  Okay, this was a lot more difficult than I expected.  Zabini was never that bad of a guy, but with the rumors... I was not okay with any of this.  "There are things that have been floating around... and none of us guys are okay with any of this," I explained to him.

So this was it. I wasn't going to be able to make it a single night at Hogwarts without having someone say something. My hope was that the guys in Slytherin, especially the ones that I'd grown up with, would be the ones to stick up for me. Apparently I was wrong.

I sighed and looked at him quizzically, playing dumb so that there didn't have to be this big coming-out moment. I didn't want all the pomp and circumstance, the glitter or the drama. There weren't too many people who knew the truth. Sure, there had always been rumors, but I'd been able to shrug them off. Now that they were no longer just rumors, I wasn't sure how I'd respond.

Crabbe had never really said anything about the rumors before, so I wondered why this was just now coming up. Was it because he thought his masculinity was threatened? Was it something he was okay with as long as it didn't directly affect him? And, moreover, how did he even find out the truth? I know Draco better than to think he'd ran his mouth, and there weren't many other people who knew.

It was bound to get out, though. Better to get all this over with now.

"What are you talking about?" I asked. I didn't make eye contact with him. Instead, I continued unpacking my things so he couldn't see my face getting red with humiliation.

I cleared my throat and tried to gather my thoughts.  Malfoy was the one who always spoke when it came to things like this.  "Goyle and I heard some things through the years and - since you seem to never deny anything - your kind isn't to be in this new order of things," I said to him.  "It's almost worse than being a Mudblood."

'Your kind?'

Those words repeated in my head a couple times before I really registered what he meant by them. As if I were inhuman, something less than what he was just because of something insignificant like this.

"I still don't know what you're talking about," I repeated. I could feel the sting of tears, but I blinked them back forcefully. Turning around from my four-poster, outwardly composed by inwardly wavering, I added: "What have you heard?"

I stared incredulously at Zabini.  "People have said things," I spat at him.  "And I will not be associated with filth.  You're not welcomed here."  I turned and continued to unpack my trunk -- to me, the conversation was over with.

"What kind of things?" I repeated. "If you have something to say, then out with it."

If he was going to make me uncomfortable, I was going to do the same to him. Being uncomfortable with something was totally permissible, as long as you could justify it. As far as I could see, though, discomfort with this was invalidated by the fact that we were all humans just trying to survive another day. His chances were just as slim as I was, given his family's affiliation with Voldemort and his continued enrollment in this so-called unsafe school.

Although, I suppose I could toy with him a little. Make him think that I was into him. Make an advance. See what happened. For all I knew, he didn't like this because he was struggling with his own identity.

I turned around and stared at him.  "You know what kinds of things," I snapped at him, taking a step back, but trying not to lose ground on the entire thing.  "And we see how you look at some guys.  We're not stupid, you know."

I snorted. "Oh? I think you have the entire school fooled, then," I jabbed. I took a deep breath and figured that if I was going to toy with him and get hurt in the process, then at least the school would know what he was really capable of.

My eyelids grew heavy against my eyes in an awkward attempt at a seductive gaze; I pursed my lips just slightly enough to give them the sassy pout. Perpetuating the stereotype, I crossed my arms and ran a couple fingers gently across my lips. With a step toward him, I added, "Have you ever really seen how I look at you, Crabbe?"

"Get away from me you fag," I said to him, throwing a punch at him.  I nearly hit him, too, but a voice made me slow the momentum and I managed to miss Zabini.

When I noticed that Goyle was keeping what students were in the common room away from the boys' dormitory, I knew something was amiss.  A quick glance around the common room showed that his partner in crime was missing.  Goyle knew better than to keep me from doing a bloody thing and did not even attempt to stop me from entering the dormitory.  I was just in time to hear Crabbe call Blaise a fag and that he was ready to throw a punch at my best mate.

"Crabbe!  What do you think you're doing?" I asked, my voice as cold as ice.  My glare was hard and I was pleased to see that my power over them was not completely gone.  He was still fearful of me -- especially after what happened with Dumbledore.  It was never fully proven it was me and that was how I was still out of Azkaban... for now.  And for the fact that the Dark Lord had the dementors under his control.  

When Crabbe staggered and nearly fell over backward over his trunk, I took that time to look at Blaise.  "Are you okay?" I asked him, my voice unrecognizable from the way I spoke to Crabbe.

My heart skipped a beat when Crabbe raised his fist. I was only trying to toy with him; I didn't really know that he'd react so furiously. Well, maybe part of me did, but I wanted people to know what he was capable of. Nevertheless, I didn't think he would actually do it. 

I was so glad to hear Draco's voice roar through the silence between Crabbe's last word and the bruised face I would've had. He stumbled backward when Draco screamed, and I exhaled the breath I didn't know I was holding in. A few hard blinks later, I looked at Draco: "Yeah, I'm okay," I said. I shot daggers at Crabbe, hoping he was able to comprehend the severity of what almost happened; I was doubtful, though, knowing how challenged he typically was.

"Thanks," I said to Draco. While I wasn't entirely sure how I felt about being protected as if I were an infant, it was nice to know that Draco was on my side, despite our seemingly opposed viewpoints on this whole Dark Lord stuff. Friendship wasn't lost, and that had to count for something.

I wanted to argue with Malfoy, but I knew what he was capable of even if some people did not know exactly what happened on the Astronomy Tower last spring.  I was a Death Eater's child; of course I knew.  "He shouldn't be allowed..." I muttered, not looking directly at Malfoy's hard stare.  He spoke to Zabini like they were best mates... that angered me.  Goyle and I were Malfoy's best mates.

I flashed Blaise a half smile before addressing Crabbe again; I did not want Crabbe to see that much of a humane 'weakness' coming from me.  I would not fully make sure Blaise was okay until the nuisance was out of the dormitory.  I took a step toward's my henchman.  "I believe you are the one who is mistaken," I said to him.  "You are the one who is not allowed... to be in here, to breathe a word of this, or anything else that your small little brain can think of.  Now go run along and spread the word.  You go after Blaise again, be prepared for me." 

It took a minute or two for the words to be comprehended before Crabbe's face turned red with rage and, at least I hoped, humiliation.  When he still did not move, I merely had to raise my eyebrows at him and he tottered out the door -- tripping as he went.  I let out a breath I had not realized I had been holding -- I half expected there to be more resistance.  Perhaps there would be once more of them got together as Crabbe hardly had a functioning brain.  I had no idea how he had made it this far in school.

I went over to my trunk and started to pull things out.  "Crabbe is daft," I said quietly.  "Try not to let his ignorance get to you."  I looked over at Blaise, but I knew that certain things were easier said than done.  Yes, were certain things said to me when I found out that he was homosexual.  Did that change the past handful of years of friendship?  Definitely not.  Blaise understood certain pressures a lot more than any other person -- including my own sister -- when it came to expectations with the Dark Lord.  I tried to protect my sister from any of that, though I knew I had failed over the summer.  She had to go to meetings... she walked in my shoes... all because I had said no to the Dark Mark and nearly got killed for it.  Blaise understood that; he understood enough that, though I may not always make the best of choices, my intentions are always better than what most believe they are.