Love means facing your biggest fears -- July 2001

It was the summer after our graduating year of Hogwarts.  I had to meet with Evan... how was he going to handle this?  I bit my lip and paced, waiting for him to meet with me.  I had a hard time figuring out what to expect from him.  He was starting to get a little better about things that had happened to him... but that meant nothing, really.  I looked up and saw Evan walking towards me on the path leading towards the bench on which we said we woul meet.  I smiled at him and stood up.  "Hey Evan," I said, going to him and giving him a hug, which he held me tightly, but briefly.

I let go of Maisie and walked back to the bench with her, sitting down.  I was not big on public displays of affection.  Things were still difficult for me after the three years of finding out the whole truth of everything.  I did things that I was not proud of -- especially to my future sister-in-law.  I knew I would never be forgiven for that by Harry and I did not blame him.  Maisie and my therapist were helping greatly with getting me past all of this self loathing and hatred towards those who cared about me.  It was just hard.

"What's going on?" I asked.  She had seemed worried in the owl and, seeing her in person, I could tell that she really was rather concerned abot something.

I was not entirely sure how Evan would handle this.  I bit my lip and sighed.  "Evan, please don't get mad," I said, knowing that he probably would nto be okay with this.  I ddid not know how this happened since we were so careful the couple of times that we did go all the way.

I raised an eyebrow.  It was never good when someone started out that way.  I took hold of her hand and squeezed it.  "What is it, Maisie?" I asked her softly.  I was not always rough around the edges.  Especially with Maisie.

I was comforted by his touch and hoped that there was some understanding in it.  I bit my lip, trying to figure out if I should just be blunt about it or not.  I sighed; with Evan, he always preferred it if I was up front wiht him about everything.  "Evan, I'm pregnant," I said to him, still biting my lip, wondering what he was going to do.  I mean, this was Evan Potter. He was not necessarily always stable, but I loved him anyways.

I sat there staring at Maisie.  What was she talking about?  "What?" I asked, wanting to make sure I heard her correctly.  We were careful... and we only did more than snog and stuff a couple of times.  This was craziness.

I hated that I could not tell what Evan was thinking.  His face was like a blank slate.  I bit my lip.  "I'm pregnant," i repeated, almost shrinking away from him out of worry of his reaction.

I stared at her.  She was pregnant?  My mouth felt dry.  I could not believe it.  "Oh," I managed to say, even though that was nowhere near sufficient for her or for what was running through my mind.

Crap.  What on earth was going through his mind?  It was always so hard to tell with Evan.  "Look, you don't have to be involved if you don't want," I said hurriedly.  There was no way I was going to not go through with it, though.  I just did not want to freak Evan out too much.  "That's totally up to you... I-I just wanted you to know straight away rather than me hiding it or something.  We've always been honest with each other.  So please, just be honest, Evan," I pleaded with him, trying to keep panic out of my voice. I did not want to do it by myself, but I was not going to force him, either.

When she said not to be involved, how could I do that?  My own father was not involved with me.  Of course, that was due to Peter.  I sighed.  "Maisie, I'm not going to have you go about it alone," I said to her.  That was one thing I was sure of.  But nothing else.

I smiled hesitantly at him when he said that.  I was glad that he wanted to be involved; what was I going to do if he had said otherwise?  I bit my lip and looked my boyfriend.  "Please... you know you can talk to me.  What's going through your head, Evan?" I asked softly.

I shook my head.  "Too many things to put into words," I replied honestly.  "I-I want to be happy.  But... well, Maisie look at me.  I'm fucked up.  There's no good in me.  I can't be a kid's father."

I put a hand on his arm gently.  "Ev," I said to him softly, "I don't care if you're fucked up."  I smiled at him, trying to get him to at least smile a little bit.  "I love you anyways.  And I know that I already love this little Potter I am pregnant with.  You'll do wonderfully with the baby.  You've already gone through so much and are so happy now.  Just think how this will make you even happier."  At least I hoped that this would make him ahppier.

I looked at her and smiled.  "It's just... it kind of freaks me out," I said to Maisie honestly.  There was no other way for me to say it and there was no use in me trying to hide it.

I nodded at him.  "And you think it doesn't freak me out?" I asked.  "Evan, I am scared.  And I was scared of telling you because I was sure you'd want to run.  But I also knew that you wouldn't because you're not that kid anymore.  You always do the right thing.  And, well, I knew everything would be okay as long as we do this together."  I kenw I sounded like an extremely big sap right then, but it was true.