You're really on your knees when you think you're standing tall -- Fall 2001

We were at St. Mungo's after an appointment for Keegan.  Dorian had not needed this follow up appointment like Keegan did.  Even then, it was more of a consultation to discuss the findings of the tests done for her.  I looked through the window that showed a little playroom on the other side of the office.  This was where the twins were.  I waved as my son acknowledged me by waving and laughing.  There were two Healers in there to watch both very different children.  I sighed slightly and truend to face Pansy who was sitting down.  I had too much nervous energy to sit still.  "Pansy... I don't know about this," I said slowly.

Draco was making me fret.  I stood up and walked over to him, placing a hand on his shoulder.  "Honey... this is a good thing.  We'll find out what's going on and how we can help," I told him.  Hopefully it could be controlled to be able to get better.  I really did not think there was any reason to get htis worked up about all of it.

I sighed and knew she was right.  We needed to know what was going on with our little girl to be able to help her.  I was going to say something else when the healer walked in.  I looked at him expectantly.  The look on his face told me that it was bad news.  I sat down next to Pansy and took her hand.  "What is it?" I asked

I squeezed my husband's hand and looked at the Healer as he answered Draco.  I'm sorry to say this, but Keegan has autism," He told us, obvious sadness in his voice.

I looked at him.  "And what does this mean fo rher? ...for us?" I asked him cautiously.

Why does it matter what it means for us?  I would do anything for my daughter.  "What can we do for her?" I inquired as well.

The healer sat behind the desk in front of us and pulled out a file with some information on autism for us.  "Still try to work with her to speak, though a lot of patients never develop speech," he explained to us.  "You'll want to keep doing as you've been doing when it coems to her moods.  This isn't ht eend of the world, but it is going ot be difficult."

I was glad that he was being so honest with us about everything going on with Keegan.  I looked over at Draco.  "Okay," I said, turning back to the healer.  "I know I don't have any questions at the moment.  But we can always get a hold of you if we do come up with some?" I really wanted to get home with the twins.  I could easily see that it was getting close to nap time and if we did not stay on schedule, Keegan got upset quickly and easily.

I wanted to discuss more things, but the way Pansy started to speak mad eme check the time.  When the healer assured us that we could contact him with anything, we gathered up the children and went home.  I took care of Keegan while Pansy had Ian.  I came out of her bedroom and saw Pansy in the kitchen making a pot of tea.  I walked over to her.  "How are you, Pansy?" I asked her, taking hold of her hand when I noticed it shaking.

I was making tea to try to calm myself down.  I was so concerned about everything.  I knew that this was bad.  "I'm... worried.  How are we going to handle this?  I mean... it's not good.  I don't knwo what to do..." I said simply.  I looked at Draco as the pot on the stove started to steam.

I wrapped my arms around her.  "Hey... you're not doing this on yur own,"I assured her.  I kissed the top of her head.  I wanted her to leave th eworrying to me.  She only needed to worry about Keegan -- I, however, needed to be concerned with my father.  Once he found out about Keegan's illness, I had no idea what he would do.

I pulled away and looked at him.  "I know, Draco," I said quietly.  "I just wish things could be easier for us.  Why does it seem like things are so difficult?" I Just wanted a normal life.  I loved my family... but I was not sure if my love alone would be enough for this family.

I could see her concern.  I knew that there was mor ethan just this illness with Keegan on her mind.  "Talk to me.  What else is on your mind?" I always thought that Pansy trusted me enough to tell me anything.  I hoped that she still felt that way.

I hated how Draco was so good at reading people -- me especially.  I sighed and poured the steaming water into two cups and opened the teabags so we could each have some tea and honey.  I sat down and I shrugged.  "Draco... do you love this family?" I asked him.

I stared at Pansy for a moment.  "Of course I do," I told her.  Why would she ask me that?  There was no question as to me loving this family.  After everything I have done to protect the twins and Pansy... How could she even ask me that?

I took a sip of the tea.  "I know you love the twins," I said slowly.  "I see it every time you look at them. But me..>" I trailed off.  Today we should be worrying about Keegan and here I was being selfish.  What on earth was I donig?  Well, I needed to make sure I was not alone in this.

I sat down next to my wife and took hold of her hand, squeezing it comfortingly.  I brought it to my lips and kissed the top of it gently.  "Pansy, whatever makes you think that I don't love you?" I asked her quietly.  I did have a hard time letting her know the way I felt, but I really did love her.