You never know when a lunatic will come along & give you a sadistic choice to make -- Early Winter 1997

"Trust me. It will be easier to do than you think." Of course I knew Draco would still worry about me but I was sure he would agree that there was something else he needed to focus on at least as much as he was focusing on me. I turned to Lincoln. "Lincoln, there are things you don't know, things I can't tell you. You have to trust me though there are things that need to be done that are more important than me getting better. Although, most everything is more important than me so..." I gave a shrug, as if I didn't care, hoping I had said the last sentence too quickly for him to process.

I rolled my eyes at her.  "June... you know that I counter you whenever you say things like that about yourself," I pointed out softly, looking at her, but choosing not to argue due to the fact that she was in the hospital wing after all.

I narrowed my eyes, just slightly, in confusion. I shook my head a bit. "Why? I've never believed you before and I don't think I will any time soon. So why do you keep trying?" I asked, more confused than anything, as I sighed. If it had been anyone else but Lincoln, I'm sure they would've given up a long time ago.

I looked out the window and sighed.  "Because... no one deserves to feel that horribly about themselves," I said slowly and softly.  I just did not want to see someone torturing themselves.  "I don't like to see someone torturing themselves when I know firsthand what that feels like at the hands of others and myself..." I trailed off, not wanting to get into any more of that than I already did earlier.  "So, I'm going to keep trying ot help you out of that rut," I finished simply.

"Not even the disappointment?" I asked, just as softly. "Not even when everyone knows her as the disappointment and treats her as such because that's what her Father wants and what Father wants Father gets?" I really didn't want to think about all of this right now and was surprised I had said something like that out loud. "Even if she thinks she deserves to feel that way?" Could I really not deserve to feel this way? No, I was the disappointment, that's all I ever was and all I ever would be. I closed my eyes and shook my head violently to clear in, wincing in pain. Now was not the time to think about all of this, I had to help Draco. I opened my eyes and looked at Lincoln desperately. "I have to get out of here. I have to help Draco. He needs me."

I pursed my lips.  "Part of the reason you're treated as the disappointment is because you let yourself be treated that way.  I understand not arguing with your father," I said.  I really did understand all of that.  "But with other students?  You can change that."

I took a shaky breath, not sure I really wanted to talk about this. I didn't move for a few moments while I thought about what he said before I could respond. I couldn't look him in the eye as I spoke. "I've been the disappointment my whole life. I'm not sure I know how to be treated any differently." I admitted. I shook my head to clear it, surprised I had said that out loud. I winced in pain, I figured I deserved it for even thinking that I might be able to not be treat as the disappointment I was. "It better for me when I go back to the Manor if things stay the same."

I looked back out the window.  "If I thought that way... then I would not be here today," I said softly, though I was not entirely sure if she heard me.  If I let myself continue to feel the way I felt when I had been at home leak into who I was at school -- more than it did -- who would I be?

I slowly turned to him and saw him looking out the window. "It's harder to break me down if I don't get built up to begin with." I explained. I tilted my head slightly. "What do you mean by that Lincoln?" I asked gently. I had heard what he said, wither or not he wanted me to. I was hoping to distract him from talking about my life for a moment.

I tore my gaze from the grounds outside and looked back at her.  "What I showed you is barely the tip of what's happened to me, Juniper," I said.  "If I did not let go of what happened in the confines of what most people called a home when I came here to school..."  I shuddered, not finishing the thought.  I would either be buried next to my brother -- if my parents would even let that happen -- or I would not be the same person I was right now.  I knew I would not be speaking to Juniper... I would probably be in a psych ward at St. Mungo's or something.

"I'm glad you can do that." I said. I was sure there were many reasons he thought that way but my painful mind could not think of them at the moment. "I'm so glad you're able to separate the two, you deserve it. I just can't afford to think that way."

I looked over at her and shook my head.  "Sometimes I don't think it's such a good thing," I said to her slowly, trying to find the right words.  "I may end up... I dunno... having a split personality disorder or something.  It's probably not entirely healthy to separate myself as wholly as I do."

"So you would rather be the scared boy you are at home than the strong man you are here?" I asked with a sigh. "Lincoln, think about that for a minute. I don't think you would be able to stand up for people as well as you do if you were that person here. If you couldn't stand up for people, than where would I be right now?" I though of the first time we met, he had stood up for me when a girl was making fun of me because I couldn't do a simple spell. Where would I be without Lincoln? "Where would all of the people you stand up for be without the Lincoln I see in front of me right now?"

I stayed silent, letting her words sink in.  She was right.  But it still was not healthy to separate everything as much as I did... though I had to.  How else would I be able to cope with what went on at home?  I sighed and looked out the window.  "Yeah, I suppose," I said, not having realized how much people had counted on me before.

I sighed as I looked at him. "You're lucky you can do that." I said. "You can at least mute the voice in your head, even if it's only temporarily." I shook my head slightly and took a deep breath. "I tried to do that when I was younger but by the time I got here, it was too late. No one cared about me, no one needed me." I shrugged.