If I survive tonight, I wouldn't change a thing -- June 1998

When Mother came in, I gave her my attention and listened to what she had to say.  All she did was confirm what we had already thought.  I just nodded at her, my jaw set.  I looked towards Juniper and she looked far more frightened than I had expected her to be.  With making it a sure thing, it really puts things in perspective for you.  I let her hold my hands as I listened to her.  I opened my mouth to agree with her when I remembered everything that I went through the last time I resisted and refused.  I pressed my lips together instead.  "Juniper," I said, my voice barely above a whisper, "please, don't resist.  I don't want happened to me before happening to you now.  I don't want them to torture you like they did me.  I fear that I would lose you if they did..." I had tears in my eyes.  Of course I did not want the mark, I had made that quite clear last year.  But sometimes one had to realize when they had lost the battle.  I was pleading with my sister to take this without trouble... I was going against every bone in my body to tell her that.  I hated it.  But I knew... I knew what they would do to her if she resisted more than what they felt like dealing with on that particular day.  

"I-I know it goes against everything we have ever said," I assured her, "but please... don't provoke them to do what they do best."

I took my hands back and a step back in shock. I stated shaking again. How could my brother ask me not to resist? It went against everything we ever believe in. I couldn't willingly take the Mark without at least attempting to be defiant. I knew where he was coming from though, I had seen him right after he had resisted, helped him through that awful time. I forced the horrible memory from my mind and knew he was probably right about losing me, I wasn't as strong as he was. If I did what he asked, I would have to force myself to not do anything he didn't want me to. I wasn't sure I could though, when ever fibre in my body screamed to resist. "What about not taking this sitting down?" I asked softly, my voice shaky, though I wasn't really sure why.

I looked my brother in the eye. "If I can't resist, neither can you." I said, tears staring to fall. I wanted to make sure we were in this together, even if we weren't resisting, we would do this together too. I didn't want to see him get hurt again. I would remember that, it would help me take the Mark more willingly.

I ran a hand through my hair, fighting back tears.  "June... I want to fight, I do.  But... to go through that again... call me a coward if you must, but I don't even think I could survive it again.  I have no idea how I made it through the first time.  And now I have Pansy and the baby in addition to you to live for... I-I can't leave any of you," I said to her, pleading for her to understand.  

I saw her tears fall and knew that she understood even if she did not like it.  I went to her and took her in my arms, resting my cheek against her head as I hugged her.  "I'll be right there by your side... we're in this together," I said, my voice cracking slightly as I fought against the tears.

I wrapped my arms around my brother, closed my eyes and savoured the moment as best as I could. "I would never think you were a coward Draco." I said through my tears. "I never want to see you go through that again." It was true, the nightmares were still as vivid as the horrible week where I didn't know if my brother was going to live. "I don't think I could go through that again." I said truthfully. I finally pulled away and wiped my tears. "We're in this together." I agreed with a sad smile, my voice cracking like Draco's, my eyes filled with unshed tears. "We won't resist, no matter how much we want to." I forced myself to say our new pact, though it want against everything I ever believed in.

It felt as though something was squeezing my heart as I nodded at her.  No matter what, we had to go through with this.  The consequences were too great if we refused.  I leaned forward and kissed her forehead.  "We go in with heads held high like Father always taught us to do in situations -- even if we did not like what was going on.  We can still make it known with words that we're not happy about it, but we'll have to let them just do it."

It had made me feel a little better that Juniper would never think me a coward, even though I felt like I was running from the problem and not standing up to it.  But, when it came to this, there was no other way.  I remembered when I woke up from that day like it was yesterday; Juniper had been worse for wear to say the least.  I had been so worried about her... we were both nursing each other back to health by the end of it.

I took a shaky breath and nodded, my heart felt like it was in my throat, "Heads held high." I said softly. Though, in my current state, I didn't think I could hold my head up for anything. My tears mostly subsided, having been used up between Father kicking me out and realizing we would not be resisting the Mark.

My mind was still giving me images of that week. The meetings I had to attend, the thoughts of what Draco might've been through that occupied my mind when nothing else would. A small half smile came across my lips, "I have a few choice words for them." I thought of everything I would love to say to them, to everyone who had put us through hell over the past little while, ever since Draco's task. I knew I could never say them out loud, but it was nice to think about. I looked up at Draco's concerned expression. "I wouldn't say anything that would get us hurt. Promise." I absent-mindedly put my hand on my dragon pendent, debating if I should let Linc's cure work it's magic to clear my mind.

I took a deep breath to compose myself and knew that this was the best thing we could do for ourselves and for my now growing family.  I put my hands in my pockets and felt the picture of the sonogram, if only to continue to make certain that I was putting the twins before anything else it seemed.

I looked at Juniper and saw her stroking that pendant.  "June... you know I don't like it when you start looking like that and holding onto that damn thing," I told her.  I was still angry at Lincoln for having given her that and that she had gotten addicted.  She should not even have the small bit she had in that pendant, but she told me not to worry so much.

I glared at him, "I know you don't but don't forget, it help you too." I reminded him, as if I really needed to. "I'm not addicted any more and he didn't get me addicted to it in the first place, I did. He didn't force me to drink it all the time." I was getting mad at him but took a deep breath to force my emotions in check as best as I could. We've had a rough night and, by the sounds of it, a interesting week ahead to say the least. "You don't have to worry about me anymore." There were more pressing matters then the past to worry about tonight.

I sighed and pulled my hands out of my pockets, including the picture.  I looked at it, a small smile playing at my lips.  "You're right... I have more than just you to worry about now," I said, looking back at my sister.  "And remember I don't care about the technicalities of the matter... but we're not arguing about it.  It's done and over with."  I did not want to argue with her... it did seem like Lincoln cared about Juniper, but I just did not like the guy.  Maybe it was because I felt like he was replacing me, I had no clue.

I rolled my eyes, hating that he dismissed the topic of Linc so easily and I knew I couldn't bring it up again tonight. It hadn't been his fault I had become addicted to his home remedy, that was all on me. Draco never saw it that way. I sighed as I looked over at my brother, suprised to see him smiling. I didn't think anything could make me smile again until I saw he had a piece of paper on his hand. I went over and realized what it was. "Is that them?" I asked softly, my own small smile forming on my lips.

I looked up at Juniper and handed it to her.  "Yeah, my new reason to live," I said quietly.  I never knew that two small, little things would change my perspective so much.  It was amazing.  If only FAther had felt that way with us... I shook my head slightly to clear that from my thoughts.  "And I'm sorry, I know how much you like Matthews," I told her, "but there's just something about him that constantly gets under my skin.  I don't trust him."  I hated arguing with her about him, so I felt like I should at least apologize for being a prick about him.

I took the picture and traced the two little things that would become Draco's children. I looked over at him, "This is a pretty good reason to live." I agreed, "I could resist resisting for this." I still didn't like the idea but if I remember this and what they put Draco through, I could force myself to.

I sighed when he mentioned Linc again. "What is it about him you don't like?" I asked gently, really wanting to understand the feud they had. "Just because he's in my life, doesn't mean I love you any less or need you any less. I'll always need my Draco." I gave a small laugh. "Do you think he could protect me once we get the Mark? Only you can do that. He wouldn't be going through that with me. There are a lot of things we've been through that he won't understand. We'll always need each other, no matter who comes in our lives." I knew it was true for me anyway, "Well, I will anyway."

I was glad to hear her say that she would not resist because of her little nieces or nephews.  We did not know the genders yet.  I smiled at her.  "Good," I said to her.

I could nto tell her why I did not like him because it was nothing thta I could really put my finger on.  I gave a dry chuckle.  "Though that may be part of it, I don't know if that's why I am so close to loathing him," I told her.  And even as twisted as everything was in our lives, it was good to know that she would always need me.  I looked at her.  "June, you should know I'll always need you.  You save me from my greatest enemy every day -- myself."  I hoped she knew it to be true.  There was no way I would still be standing here if it were not for her.  And, yes, I realized I did not really answer her question.

I gave a hollowed laugh. I knew he would be happy that I confirmed I wouldn't resist. I handed him back the picture. "You can't resist either." I reminded him.

"Linc's a good person Draco, please just give him a chance." I pleaded. When he said he would always need me too, I smiled, "Yourself's not that bad Draco, you just have to accept who you really are, not who Father wants you to be. You save me from myself too." If it weren't for Draco, I would've been in dark place my whole life, he was the light I needed to make it through. I realized that he didn't really answer my question but I'd let it slid for now.

I shook my head slightly when June went to give me the picture back.  It was supposed to be for Mother and Father -- silly me for thinking they may actually want to see their grandchildren before they were born.  "Keep it.  I've got another copy in my room," I told her.

It was obvious that Juniper cared for Matthews, but it was just hard for me to like him.  He always got in my way at school and it always seemed like he thought he was better than everyone else.  He almost got under my skin more than Potter and Weasley did.  And that was a difficult task.  "Well, I won't be listening to Father's expectations much longer... I have to take care of my family now.  Something that I should have done a long time ago with you," I added, sighing slightly.  I looked at her.  "And, mind you, I'm not always the one who starts things with Matthews.  He says just as much as I do."  I just wanted to make sure that was known.