If I survive tonight, I wouldn't change a thing -- June 1998

I took the picture back and looked at it one more time before placing it in my own pocket. "Thank you." I said sincerely. This was my real family, they cared about me. Not like Mother and Father did.

Draco was going to be free from Father expectations soon, that was all I ever wanted for him. "You did take care of me. You were the only one who did." I sighed, "All the times you took the heat off of me with Father, not telling him things I did that he would disprove off. Draco, you killed for me." I knew I didn't need to remind him of the last one. "If that's not taking care of me I don't know what is." He had to know how much he meant to me, how much he had always meant.

I rolled my eyes at his comment about Linc "You both take turns starting it and you should both take turned ending it, peacefully." The last thing I needed was one of them to get hurt by the other.

The familiar tightening in my stomach occurred when Juniper mentioned everything that I had done for her.  I knew I had paid one of the ultimate prices in protecting her.  "Yeah, well, you are worth everything I have gone through to protect you," I assured her.  Between the punishments from father and the haunting nightmares that I still had from the Astronomy Tower, it was all worth it to have her standing here with me today and to be by my side and living with me by the end of the week.  I smiled at her slightly.  "I hope that one day you truly believe that you're worth it, too, June."  I knew she tended to have doubts about that just because of everything she has gone through with Father... always being the disappointment in his eyes.  But that no longer mattered anymore.

I sighed and shook my head slightly.  "I don't see what you see in him, June.  Matthews lies, he keeps secrets, he's snarky, he can get cocky -- especially with me, he's too quiet and distant with people, and he just gets under my skin," I said, listing off reasons that had finally come to light to me of why he drove me mental.  I left out the fact that he got my sister addicted to his little potion because she never saw my side of things on that one.

<< Haha... so... that list almost reminds me of how someone would describe Draco if they did not know him... besides the quiet/distant thing (unless you count 6th year with Draco).  Just saying... lol >>

I smiled up at my brother, he would think I was with worth killing for. I knew he still had bad dreams of that night and I felt awful that I had caused them, but I was beginning to accept that he made his decision and there was nothing I could've done to change his mind. "I'm starting to think I might be." I told him truthfully. Seeing what he was willing or do for me, I knew at least he must think I was worth it. "Maybe when we move out it'll be easier to believe." When I didn't have Father breathing down my back saying I wasn't.

I sighed when he began listing all the reason he didn't like Linc. "I never realized there was a list." I said sarcastically. I knew why he did all thought things. After my attack, we talked a lot after he offered me his home remedy which I became addicted to for a short time. "You don't know his whole story Draco. He has his reasons." I tried to explain. "Don't forget though, he helped me become more confident and helped me though my addiction which he did not cause." I turned to him and looked him in the eye. "Do you want to know what of one of the first things he ever said to me was? 'Prove them wrong'." I sighed again, "He was helping me with a spell I couldn't get when I said everyone says I can't, so he said 'Prove them wrong'." I would never forget that day.

<< yeah June may have wanted to point that out to him but figured it would be counter-productive at this point....lol>>

I nodded at her.  "i promise you, one day you'll truly believe it," I said to her.  I would make sure she would believe it a one point or another.

I could not help but smirk slightly when she started to be sarcastic about my list.  "But he didn't realize you were addicted until I went to him," I pointed out, unsure if I ever told her we had worked together to figure out how to help her.  "it was as if he did not care enough to realize what you were doing.  And that bothers me, June."  I sighed and held up my hands slightly.  "But, it's your life.  Your decisions.  I just might not agree with all of them."  Though I was sure there were plenty of my decisions she disagreed with, but I did not feel like counting my skeletons.

I started at him in disbelief. "You're the one who figured it out?" I asked. I alway thought Linc had been the one to realize what had been happening to me. I sighed, "Was this your idea then?" I said indicating the pendent that he so despised.

I nodded at her.  "Of course I figured it out.  You're my twin.  I know you better than you know yourself sometimes," I pointed out.  I sighed and shook my head.  "No, that was his idea.  I wanted that potion completely gone from your life, but he made a good argument about why a little bit should be kept in your keeping."  I hated that pendent.  To me, it just was a reminder of what happened to Juniper.  To him, it probably was a way of him continuing to help her.  To her, it meant more than I could ever really understand.

"You always knew me better then I knew myself." I agreed. I played the pendent. "I'm am glad you gave in on this, even if you don't like me having it." Of course I knew why he didn't like it, he thought it would make me addicted again. "It's only one dose Draco. I know Linc wouldn't give me enough to make me addicted again. He's the only way I can get more although I suppose that was probably your idea as well." I actually looked down at my dragon this time, "This helped us both when we really needed it. The potion." I knew he was prbabaly still mad at me for giving it to him but I kept reminding myself that he needed it.

"And I would have survived without it," I muttered, resisting the urge to roll my eyes.  I looked at her and sighed.  "If it had been my idea, you'd have to go through me to get more.  June... you got addicted during everything and I nearly couldn't handle it.  I was fighting for you so much and I didn't want to lose you in a different way.  You know Matthews and I beat each other up a bit, too.  That was kind of fun," I admitted with a slight smirk on my face.  "But we ended up coming to an agreement on everything.  I felt selfish not being in control of that whole plan because... well, I knew if I took on one more thing I would crack.  I should have focused more on you in the now than the task and attempts at protecting you from them in the future at the time," I added quietly.  I think that was where my hatred for Matthews came into play.  He was able to help Juniper when I was lacking.  I had put myself before helping her -- which was something I never did before, though, honestly I had never been close to losing my sanity before either.

<< I thought we said she got addicted after attack thread in 6th year... if not, I can edit it  >>

"Do you know why I became addicted in the first place?" I asked, looking at him, not sure  if I ever told him my side of the story with everything that had happened. I need to tell him now, I realized he blamed himself as well as Linc for me becoming addicted when, really, it had all been me."I couldn't stand the memories." I began, taking a shaky breath. I looked beyond Draco as my eyes glazing over, thinking of that horrible time. "I remembered everything and I didn't want to come to you with everything because you had already blamed yourself for the attack and were taking on too much already with the task and protecting me from them. I didn't need you to worry any more about me. I didn't want to bother Linc with everything either, he wouldn't have understood. So I took the selfish way out and used the potion to get rid of the memories but every time I took it I needed more to make me forget. I even figured out how to make it and stated brewing it myself." A humourless laugh escaped as I shook my head. "Before I knew it I couldn't live without it." I focused on him finally, a sad smile on my lips. "That's when you two stepped in and saved me from myself." I shook my head again, "No one did this to me, I did. You didn't, Linc didn't. This is all on me." I didn't want him blaming himself just because he had too much in his plate to realize what was happening to me in that present before it had started to spiral out of control. "You still saved me." I reminded him, "Even if it may not have been as soon as you would've liked."

<< yeah, I'm having her start to become addicted when she takes it in the attack thread....it's prefect   do I need to edit anything? >>

<< Nope it's perfect!  >>

After all that time, I had been more worried with getting her help and stopping her from her addiction that I never once asked her why she got addicted in the first place.  Again, I had been too selfish to even think of that.  I was worried about the task, my own sanity, Dumbledore, Snape, the family, the Death Eaters... her attack.  And enough guilt on myself that I did not see anything else.  "June, I am so sorry.  I should have been there more for you... I should have at least asked how I could help you..." I said softly.

I shook my head, "I did not tell you this story so you could blame yourself for anything else. I told you so you would know that I only blame myself for what happened. Not Linc for introducing me to the potion or you for not seeing what was happening. Draco, think of ever thing you were going through, you said so yourself if you took on one more thing you would've cracked. I was suprised you could get to class when you did. This was my way of protecting you and I failed. So I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to stop on my own and had to drag you and Linc into it." It was true, I didn't tell him to pile onto his guilt, I had wanted to alleviate some.

I smiled slightly.  "I know, June.  You blame yourself; I blame myself; I bet matthews blames himself.  It's a never ending cycle," I said, shaking my head.  "And, to be honest, I don't know how I passed all my finals that year... I think Snape had something to do with it."  I chuckled a bit at that thought of him possibly having to threaten the other professors to let me pass.  "And you don't need to apologize for it... there are things that I still apologize to you about that year, too.  So why don't we both just stop?  What do you say?"

I nodded, we all blamed ourselves for what happened and I knew there was nothing I could do about it. I gave a small laugh when he mentioned he thought Snape was the only way he passed everything that year. I took a shaky breath, I didn't want to stop apologizing for what I put everyone through, I didn't think I could say I was sorry enough. I knew this was probably for the best though. If we stopped apologizing maybe we could move past all this and start the healing process. I nodded again, "We'll both stop apologizing for what happened that year, no matter what." I gave him a small smile and held out my hand, "Deal?"

I knew what I had suggested would be harder than either one of us would admit to, but it was for the best.  I nodded and her and shook her outstretched hand.  "We both did things that year that we regret putting the other through... and no matter how many times we say it, it will never be enough.  So this is for the best.  We'll just have an understanding that we apologize for it every day," I said as lightly as I could.

I nodded, " I know I do, but this is for the best." I agreed. "Maybe we can start to put some of this behind us when we move out." I tried to remind him that we had something to look forward to. "We made mistakes, we both admit that, but we can stop apologizing for everything."