Every thought is a battle, every breath is a war, and I don't think I'm winning anymore -- Spring 2017

I had not spoken to anyone in quite some time.  I was barely making it through.  It felt as if I were living among the scum like I did when I had first been in the Order.  I was with the lowlifes... my robes were tattered, my hair shaggy, my face covered in heavy stubble, bags beneath my eyes for I was so very tired.  I could not sleep.  When I slept, I dreamed of what I lost.  James had been right; my biggest failing is the fact that I wanted to be liked by everyone.  I clung to the love I felt by so few -- and then I lost it.  I lost all control and ended up losing everything.  I was no longer Remus Lupin... I was the monster within.  It was a downward spiral.  I sat in this pub, a strong drink in my hand, enjoying staying in the shadows.  It killed me that I saw the look on Chloe's face when I lost control and she flew across the room.  I blinked back the tears that image always brought to my eyes.  I downed my drink and ordered another.  They never affected me as greatly as it did others due to my curse that had now consumed my life.  I lifted my eyes from staring at the table when I caught a familiar scent.  I saw Padfoot walk in and wondered how he found me.  It meant I would need to cover my tracks so much better.

I finally saw Moony, he finally stopped. I walked over to him, plunking my butt down right beside him. " So, you've stopped huh....didn't think all the stories were true..." I said. Remus looked dreadful, hadn't eaten in how long. More than likely hasn't groomed in how long. Just lack of everything since he left for an apparent mission. " So, how about you tell me..."

I took another swig and stared at him.  Remus wanted to give the man a hug and to question about the family; the wolf wanted to see exactly what he was willing to do to stay alive.  I, being a mix of the two fighting to keep a balance of some kind, dropped my gaze.  I could not look at anybody and not feel the urge to attack them rise.  Even when they did nothing wrong, the wolf wanted to quench its thirst for death, blood, havoc.  Remus, however, tried to be the one of reason.  I, at least, was pleased to see that I made some progress by calling my humanity by the name it was given rather than just calling myself 'the human'.  It was some sort of progress.  "Sounds like you've heard the stories," I said to him, my voice hoarse and sounding nothing like how I used to sound.  "What more is there to tell?" It was so hard to keep myself in check.  I lived in the woods away from humanity because I did not trust myself, but I made my way to the villages around me to try to retrain myself that humanity was a good thing and that I did not want to go on a killing spree and destroy a whole village.  Sometimes that did not always work... there was one small village that would forever fear wolves -- if there were any survivors.

I looked at the man sitting beside me, whom I hardly recognized. " Well, we have heard many things it's almost getting confusing to try to keep track of. " I said as I tried to see if there was any of my friend left or if Boris had completely taken over and if Remus was a hostage of himself. " How about I hear one from you..." I suggested. I found him and he's not leaving without us.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.  How could I tell him everything without letting my temper rise like it no doubt would?  "I'm finally in control," I said, smiling darkly.  Of course, the was more the wolf speaking than Remus.  I hated the fact that I was trying to control two completely different personalities and merge them together.  But it had to be done or I would lose it all.  "The darkness is winning.  It's been a battle for as long as I remember -- but my humanity slips away."  I shook my head, trying to organize my thoughts so I could at least explain to Padfoot why I left.

I ordered another round, even getting one for dear Padfoot, before I continued.  I took a drink and then began.  "I nearly lost this battle years ago when my memory left me.  But then she came back... and I had my humanity restored.  It's been wearing thin as the years went on.  And then I snapped.  Someone pointed out to me where I was lacking and I understood... and when we attacked her, I knew that all was lost.  I could not do that again.  I would not do that again.  He - I - wanted to keep them safe.  So I left.  If I stayed... there would no longer be a Lupin family.  I need to try to regain control.  I have never lost it to where I hurt her before."  I finally raised my gaze to look at Padfoot and I let my humanity show for as long as I could.  Tears were in my eyes and it broke my heart to think that I had done that to Chloe.  She was the love of my life... "I can't lose her... even if we are apart, so long as I know she's okay... that's better than not having her in the world at all," I said quietly, my voice shaking slightly with emotion.  And with that, the darkness hardened me again and the tears seemed to disappear on cue.

I nodded, " She's still there....regardless of what happened moony she wants you to come home....She misses you....a lot. " I said. I knew Chloe was just a shell. She needs him to survive. How can I put this for him. " Without you they're not whole mate. " I told him. It was the truth, it was tearing them apart. " Will understands what happened. That's why he fought Boris off. He knew you were in there. It was only a matter of time before you woke up. " I explained. I took a swig noticing he tensed up when I got closer. I pushed my seat back. " We're not the same without you moony." I took another swig as I continued, " As for Chloe, like I said she's not herself....the ladies have been watching over her like hawks making sure she eats. She just knows your missing....and it's hurting her a lot. "

I laughed humorlessly when he said they were not the same without me.  "Oh really?  Why is it that you came alone, Padfoot?  Hmm?  It used to be when there was a problem with me, I'd see three of you sitting across from me.  Well, Prongs killed Wormtail, didn't he?  But where is Prongs now?  Too much a coward to see what his words started?"  I finished my drink and shook my head at him.  I stayed quiet a moment, trying to keep the wolf's anger at bay and let my humanity show.  

"I'm not myself, either, Padfoot.  I can't risk going back there and massacring them all.  The wolf... well, he gained control.  There was so much blood," I said, trailing off slightly, emotion from what I had done coming to the surface a little bit more.  "I can't do that to them.  At least this way, they're away from me... the most dangerous thing for them."

I knew how this usually went, calling Prongs a coward, really? That's not like him at all. " Moony, Prongs isn't here because he doesn't know. Do you not remember making me promise to keep this to myself on how I found you. I am giving updates....do you sincerely think that James isn't worried about you?" I knew that the wolf had problems, so did I. Most of the time we have to suck it up. " Don't be sitting there telling me you're letting him win. " I pointed out. " He is a side of you...not the only side." I had said making sure I was making eye contact to really see him or lack of him. " Prongs killed him because he was a good for nothing git. " I pointed out. He had framed me for murder as well as kidnap him and Lily for 16 years. " In a fight there is death Remus....you know that. I just hope you're stronger."

I shook my head slightly.  "And I know all of that," I said, being myself again.  "Sirius, this is like when I was first bitten... wild, untamed, uncontrollable.  Boris didn't like being caged up like that for all those years... and I don't know if I can put the chains back on him."  It took a lot for me to admit that, but it was true.  I was just grateful that I was in as much control as I wa at the moment to at least attempt to let Sirius know what was going on beneath the surface.

They all looked up to me.  To be someone to guide them, to be a moral compass, to be a shoulder to cry on, to be strong for them, to be calm and collected in time of tragedy and strife... but now look at me.  I was a shell of the man I once was... all because of Boris.  "I haven't stopped fighting yet, Sirius."

I nodded, " Well, I will not give up on you and neither should you.." I told him. " I have faith you can do it..." I told him, I know him. He will do everything in his power. " Mooney, you need to come home....She needs to see you....she thinks you're dead..." I told him honestly.

"I may as well have," I said, hating that fact.  The animal within me seemed to win more and more every single day.  So much that sometimes I wish I did not have the strength to regain control where I could realize what it did to people and myself.  I was not sure how much longer I could live with the things that happened since I snapped and Boris seemed to be released.

I could not believe I was hearing this. " This is the love of your life I am talking about.....Mooney she may as well have died..." I told him. " She's not herself anymore.....she's not eating....she's turned into a shell.." I explained. I know he didn't need to know that. It's true though. " She needs you....You need her....If you won't come back for us...Do it for Chloe."

I looked at Sirius, wondering why it was so difficult for him to understand when it always seemed to come easy to him before.  "If I go back, I could kill her," I said.  "I am not in control of Boris, Sirius... I love her to much to risk her life just because I need to have her in my arms.  Boris takes over at the simplest things now... I can't risk hurting her worse than I did... or will or Lucy..."

I was getting infuriated by this, " You're letting him win.....Remus if you don't go back she'll die." I said plainly, he needed to hear it. " She isn't eating.....she's barely alive now.....I understand it is going to continue being hard for you. I can't even imagine the shit you have to deal with. They need you in there life just as badly as we do. Don't go out now and say avoiding everyone is the best thing. None of us would have it that way and you know it. I'm getting tired of this shit, you think we'd just let you harm everyone. Everyone knows the struggle and they see how much strain it puts on you. The love of your life needs you!" I said getting really angry. I was in the mood to almost instigate Boris. Have him come out and play just to prove a point. He needs everyone, and everyone needs him.

I understood what Sirius was saying, but he did not understand that they never got the full werewolf inside.  For some reason they were always able to keep him under some control.  They did not know that the wolf enjoyed going after little children in villages to make me sick... just like bloody Greyback.  I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples.  In my mind's eye, I could see the Chloe that he described. 

"You can't just keep a monster in a cage, Sirius," I said to him quietly.  "The monster gets angry... and when it finally comes out to play, no one can control it."  That was what had happened with the werewolf - Boris - all these years.  "But... I have always fought for Chloe, you know that."  I did not necessarily like the fact that he was insinuating that I id not care for her or fought for her... I made damn sure that I got my memory back for that woman.  She was the life of me.  And that, that reason alone, would be why I returned.  To try to get her back to being okay... before I lost all control, anyways.